Kyonko's New Life
by LagomorphMan
Summary: Kyon wakes up one day as a girl, in yet another one of Haruhi's bizarre incidents. Now s/he must find out what happened, save the world from another near-apocalypse, and hopefully change back to normal. But, first he needs to ask, does s/he even want to?
1. Rude Awakening

As a disclaimer, I'm sure you're well aware, I do not own Haruhi, Kyon, their respective genderswaps, the series, etc. That said, happy reading, comments appreciated, etc.

* * *

When I woke up, the sun hadn't even begun to rise yet. I sat up, but found my view blocked by a mass of hair. Looking back, I should have realized then and there that something was amiss, but my brain was still 7/8 turned off and the remaining eighth was busy with a single thought. "I'm thirsty." So with the grace and linguistic skills of a zombie, I slid out of bed and shuffled down the hallway, making a rather useless mental note that it was time for me to get a haircut.

As I walked down the hall, a number of other signs of strange happenings appeared. My clothes felt strangely loose and objects seemed somewhat higher than normal as well as an indescribable feeling in my chest, but it was simply too early and I was too tired to give these the thought they deserved. Instead, I just entered the bathroom and flipped the light switch, nearly blinding myself. Damn, do these lights have to be so bright? Instinctively, I still managed to grab my glass and fill it up. But as I drank, my eyes began to adjust to the light and in the mirror's reflection I saw something strange.

I saw a girl.

Her dark brown hair was a mess, and would likely reach her shoulders or the middle of her back if it weren't so frazzled and pointing in every direction. Her eyes were equally brown, but they were barely open due to what look liked sleep deprivation. She wore a light pink, almost white, night gown that… upon further examination, appeared to be exactly what I was wearing.

"No, it can't… be…" I tried to convince myself that the crazy idea I just had was just that: crazy. Unfortunately, those four words came out at a higher pitch than was normal, causing my voice to add itself to an ever increasing pile of evidence I didn't want to look at. So instead of thinking about it, I just stared at the mirror. I raised a hand and the girl in the mirror did the same. I stuck out my tongue and she did the same.

I couldn't deny it anymore, even in my half-dead state.

Obviously, I was dreaming. A nightmare, to be more specific. "Well, back to bed," I said to myself in my new, strange voice, before making a mad dash back to my room. I threw myself under the covers of my bed, determined to fall asleep quickly so that I could wake up just as quickly.

Truthfully, I didn't really think that was going to work, but I was tired and unwilling to put up with whatever it was Haruhi had gotten me into. There should be a law that she cannot create havoc until the sun comes up. Couldn't she at the very least have the common decency to wait for my day to start before she ruins it? I refused to even think about what was going on until dawn.

Not that that idea worked out very well. I spent the next hour or so with the covers pulled over my head while screaming "I'm not a girl, this is all just a bad dream" in my head. I may have stayed there reciting that mantra for eternity had a younger sibling of mine not barged into my room, yanked off my covers, and jumped on top of me.

"Kyonko~! Time to wake up, sleepy head~!"

I managed to shove the brat to the floor, when I saw... him. It was my little sister, and I stress the past tense. Gone were her side ponytail and pink pajamas, replaced with plain, though messy, short hair and a pair of navy blue baseball covered pajamas. Even my sister... well, at this point, my brother... his voice was a slight bit lower. I was at a loss for words, and just sat there with what must have been an idiotic looking expression as he added, "Hey, sis, what'sa matter?"

I reached out and grabbed his cheek and yanked it as hard as I could.

"OW! OW! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?" he yelled in retaliation, grabbing my cheek as well. We both let go simultaneously and began to rub our tender faces.

"I... thought I was dreaming."

"You're supposed to pinch your _cheeks_ then. Jeez, why'd I get stuck with such an air-headed sister like you, anyway?"

"Ugh." I recoiled at that word. "Do me a favor, don't call me 'sister,' please," I asked, not knowing what I had unleashed in doing so.

Even with his new found masculinity and the apparent pride that accompanied it, deep down my little brother was still my... err... little sister. Mentally, I mean, as he began to tear up instantly. "You... you mean... Kyonko doesn't like being my older sister?" He started to snivel and breathe heavily as tears and snot started to run down his face. ARGH. I couldn't believe what I was about to do.

"Ah, no, no, that's not it. It's fine. I'll always be your big sister, okay?" Instantly, his face lit up again.

"Okay! Oh, and mom says you need to get ready for school right now? See ya, sis!" and with that he sped out the door. I'd have found it adorable if my mind weren't so plagued with confusion, stress, and the desire to find a large rock to crawl under and die.

I suppose it was time for me to face myself head on, so I got myself to the full-length mirror that I was apparently the owner of. Beside it was a few cases of makeup and some hair clips and accessories. The former I had no idea how to use, but I was tired of moving my hair out of my face, so I worked it all into a ponytail.

"...Whoa." I was speechless. Okay, so I have something of a _thing_ for ponytails but... I looked cute, a word I never thought I'd use to describe myself. Maybe I wasn't in Asahina's range, but I was still pretty... cute.

Though I noticed then that one part of me was most definitely unlike Asahina. I eyed my bust, or apparent lack thereof. "...Flat." I was definitely only an A cup. Come to think of it... I pulled out the front of my nightgown and stared down, only to quickly revert my gaze back to the mirror in time to watch me turn as red as a tomato. I certainly didn't remember putting on a pair of bra and panties the night before. Not that I'd have the slightest clue how to even put a bra on.

Suddenly my phone began to ring. "Oh God, now what" was all I could think. I'd already had enough surprises this morning. Nevertheless I decided I should answer it.

"Hello, is Kyon there?" came a voice of a young female that I didn't recognize at all.

"Well, you called his cellphone, didn't you?"

"Oh my, you say that, but the Kyon I know is a boy, isn't he?" The voice spoke in a somewhat flirtatious and teasing tone that had managed to irritate me in two sentences.

"Ah, yeah, I suppose he was... I mean is. I mean... look, who is this? What do you know?"

"Well, there's no point in telling you that right now, as I'm sure you wouldn't believe me, anyway."

"I dunno, after this morning, I think I'd pretty much believe anything," I noted as I stared down my shirt once more. Yep. Still female.

"Well, all the same, could you do me one tiny, tiny favor, please? Just be ready and outside your house in five minutes and we'll explain everything, okay? Thanks!"

The flirtatious girl hung up before I could protest. Why would I listen to her? How did she get my phone number? And... if she knew that I was a guy, then doesn't that mean I wasn't always a girl? But then, my sister was now my brother and he wasn't shocked at all. ARGH. Too many pointless questions with no answers in sight. If I wanted to listen to a bunch of half-assed theories, I'd call Koizumi. But right now, he was the last person I wanted to see.

"My, you make an adorable girl, Kyon." Just imagining those words coming from his permanently smiling lips sent a shiver up and down my spine.

Still, I wanted answers, which is why minutes later I was standing outside wearing a girl's school uniform, cardigan, and thigh-highs, after a mortifying time trying to dress myself. Thankfully, it was that brief time between spring and summer where the temperature was just perfect, so I didn't have to worry about freezing or burning up while I waited.

"Dammit, Haruhi," I sighed. "What have you done this time? What possible good could come from making me--" Before I could finish that gripe, a black car sped around the corner, stopped in front of me, and pulled me inside before speeding off.

I couldn't believe it. I hadn't even been female for half a day, and here I was being kidnapped. What did they want? Would they rape me? Kill me? Ransom me? Oh God, please just let me go!

"Don't worry, I already told you, I'm a friend," said a familiar, flirtatious voice. "So anything we do here, I assure you, will be quite consensual."

I found myself sitting in a rather expensive looking car, sitting next to a woman who I feel obligated to call gorgeous. Her slightly wavy, light-brown shoulder length hair was perfectly groomed, and her deep brown eyes, coupled with her faint, friendly smile gave off an air of dignity and charm. Her long legs were wrapped in pantyhose and her curvy frame was incredible. She could have easily been a model. If I hadn't already decided to be irritated with her, I might have been awed.

"Aww, thank you. You're quite cute yourself," said the charming girl, clad in the same school uniform as myself, but lacking the cardigan.

I snapped out of my gaze. This is no time to be admiring your kidnapper! "All right, then, start talking. Who are you? What do you know about me... I mean, Kyon?" I did my best to appear intimidating, but given her looks, I doubt I could scare a kitten in this state.

"Who am I? I'm hurt, Kyon. After all, we've been friends for a while, or at least I hope you consider us friends." Despite her wording, she still just kept smiling.

Wait... an irritating smile... a tendency to avoid direct answers... Part of a group that could pull off a kidnapping with precision... and she knows me personally. It could only be...

"K-Koizumi? Is that... did you...?"

"Oh my, you got it!" She clasped her hands together and smiled even more radiantly. "I didn't think you'd get it so quick!"

All of the blood in my body immediately drained to my feet. "I think I'm going to be ill..."

End Chapter 1

* * *

A short introductory chapter, with a new (longer) chapter to follow later today. Please tell me what you think. Any comments and critiques are desired on how to improve both the story and my writing as a whole.

Also, I'm well aware that the concept here is overdone and overused, but I wanted to give it a go, so here I am.


	2. Old Friends, New Faces

After I regained my composure and prevented myself from throwing up all over the interior of what was obviously a costly new car, I decided it was time to ask the questions I knew I didn't want to hear the answers to. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go back to being a normal guy, but with Haruhi, it's never that easy.

"So, it's not just me and my sister who ended up waking up with mix-matched genders this morning? Has the whole world been gender-flipped?"

"Oh, your sister was affected, too? That's interesting. Well, to begin with, no, you are obviously not alone in this, but it's by no means a global pandemic. At approximately midnight last night, Suzumiya Haruhi released what our alien companions may refer to as a 'data spike.' Our researchers immediately began to study it but could not notice any change to the world. That is, of course, until they asked for assistance from some of our younger members."

"Let me guess, the male assistants came in as females and vice-versa."

"Exactly. Specifically, those between the ages of twelve and twenty, though if your sister was affected... In any case, it gets stranger."

I placed my chin in my palm, sighing deeply. Perfect. I fail to see how this day could get any stranger, but I know better than to question Haruhi's ability to make things weird.

"Well, it's their memories. Many of those whose gender was changed had two sets of memories. One of them as a boy and one as a girl."

"Eh? But I don't have _any_ memories of being a girl. It took me forever to get this stupid skirt on. Some memories might have helped..." Truthfully, I was glad I had no memories of being a girl, no matter how much more it may have helped me.

"Neither do I," said Koizumi, shaking her head and brushing back her hair. Dammit, stop looking so beautiful, you bastard! "We could only find one interesting correlation: Only people who are aware of Suzumiya's powers could remember their formal selves. People outside the Organization, and presumably outside the time-travelers and aliens as well, have no memories of their original lives. But we've only been at this for several hours now so we'll try to see if we can't find out more about what has happened."

I guess even the Organization has its limits. Of course, none of this really mattered to me. The only question I really cared about was how to go back to normal.

"Well, that answer is the same as it ever was: Simply put, Suzumiya wanted this for some reason. What that is, we don't know, but you need to show that the original world is better. Until Suzumiya wishes for this world to go back to the way it was, we will be stuck in these bodies."

Gee, thanks. Dropping it all on my shoulders. How the hell would I know why Haruhi would want this? I'm not a psychic!

"Well," began Koizumi, taking a deep breath. Oh boy. "There are many possibilities. If you want to look at the theories of Sigmund Freud, for example, while mostly discredited today, provides an interesting view of gender and sexuality. Perhaps Suzumiya felt that..."

I yawned. I really didn't care for a psychology lesson, least of all from the would-be philosopher Koizumi. Instead, my gaze drifted about, finally landing on her chest. They were... rather massive. At least a D-cup. I stared back down at my own meager chest and was overwhelmed by a sense of self-pity. Hers even jiggled a little when she spoke. They were... were...

"They are rather nice, aren't they?" interrupted Koizumi.

"Eh?! I-I wasn't jealous! I mean, I'm not... no, I mean I wasn't _looking!_ I just... I..."

"It's okay," said the feminized SOS vice president. "You know, a lot of guys like smaller busts, anyway."

"Like I care about that!"

"Ah, but it's true. I think you'll make a very beautiful bride someday!" Suddenly an image of myself... my new self, anyway... popped into my mind. I was wearing a western, pure white as snow bridal gown, carrying a bouquet of white roses, walking down an aisle until I... I...

Dammit, why was I feeling all warm and cheery picturing that?! What the hell was this body doing to me?! Stop it, brain!

Koizumi began to giggle, but in a sort of refined way, like a perfect, upscale lady. How the hell was he so good at playing the part when he only ended up like this today?!

"Now, now, there's no need to be embarrassed. After all, it's only natural that in this world that you'd dream of being a beautiful bride. In this world, it's always been your dream."

"L-like hell it is! I don't care what world you live in, in mine, I'm a guy, and a guy can't be a bride!" I'm not sure if I was more mad or embarrassed. Quite frankly, I was still trying to cope with the notion of being a girl. Even listening to my own voice was still awkward. Against somebody like Koizumi, who never seemed flustered, I didn't stand a chance, despite my protests.

"Then why don't you take a look at this?" Koizumi reached into her bag and pulled out a sheet of paper.

"What's this? 'Future Ambitions?'"

"You should be familiar with them. You've probably filled out several in your school career. This one should be by you in the 6th grade. Why don't you read it off?"

I didn't like where this was going, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter. My top three career choices were... Oh God.

"Third, a mother... Second, a housewife... First... A b-bride..."

"I'm surprised they let you get away with that, seeing as they are, in essence, really all one in the same," Koizumi commented unnecessarily. Dammit, that's not the problem here!

"But I never wrote this! I wouldn't!"

Koizumi sighed and shook her head in a somewhat condescending manner. Somehow in this form, I found his mannerisms ten times more annoying than ever. "Don't you see Kyon... or rather, Kyonko, as you are really known as here... This is not your world. Our world. As the world is right now, you and I have always been female. From birth to this moment, we are girls right down to our genetic coding, and we've lived life as normal girls... well, until the events caused by you and Suzumiya, anyway. Never once did we ever realize this was not as things were to be. Until today, when we received our consciousness from our 'normal' world."

After that barrage of words and exposition, I was still trying to absorb it all in, when I noticed she was still just staring, probably waiting for me to respond. What do you want me to say? "Oh? Is that so?" You know more about this than I do! Or maybe he's just waiting for me to... oh, fine. I'll bite.

"So... how is that possible?"

"I'm glad you asked," smiled Koizumi as if her prayers had been answered. Great. "We have two working theories. One is that Suzumiya has rewritten history retroactively in a manner to affect only a select group of people. It's possible that somehow we were shielded from the mind-altering effects of this, hence why we remember our 'past' selves. The reason for our memory discrepancies is still being researched."

I sighed and looked out the window. From the sights, I'd say we were on our way to the school, and we still had a few kilometers to go, so I might as well let Koizumi get it out of his... I mean her system. This is going to take some getting used to. "And? What's your second theory?" I asked in a completely disinterested tone.

"Well, are you familiar with the theory of parallel universes?" His question seemed rhetorical, though honestly I never gave it much thought. "The idea is that there are an infinite number of worlds out there with an infinite number of small changes. A world for every possibility. It's quite fascinating."

I'm sure it is.

"In any case, what if there was a world where we were all born like this and our minds were somehow swapped with our alternate counterparts? Amusingly, though, that may mean somewhere a girl has recently woken up in your body and may be having the same conversation as us, but in reverse."

"Koizumi, I think you and I have totally unrelated definitions of 'amusing.'"

The car came to a stop and I noticed we were at our school. We both stepped out and headed to the school gates together, but I wondered why we needed to be here so early until Koizumi handed me a couple of books. They were yearbooks. Specifically, from my previous school, and they appeared to be filled with assorted papers and photos.

"You should use the time before homeroom to study these. They'll help you recognize your friends more easily, as they've changed." With that, the Vice President of the SOS Brigade gave me a wave and walked off with perfect grace. I wanted to ask her how she managed to act so perfectly, and, more importantly, why in the hell he had my old yearbooks, but honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. So instead, I hurried off to my classroom and found my old seat by the window, dropped the pile of books onto my desk and began to flip through my old yearbooks.

I shouldn't have been surprised, but seeing myself in a bunch of photos I don't remember posing for, especially in dresses, was something of a shock. But I was able to spot most of my friends with easy. And it seemed all of them, even Kunikida, had become girls. Some extraneous photos in the pages, obviously left by Koizumi, showed some of my classmates that didn't go to my old school. Like Taniguchi. Ugh. Male or female, Taniguchi still had that same perverted, stupid expression. To avoid further mental trauma from picturing that idiot in a skirt, I slammed the book closed and opened another.

"This is..." It wasn't one from my school. It was from Haruhi's. Wait. If everyone

in our age group changed, then does that mean...? I quickly searched through the yearbook, curious and afraid of what I would find. "Suzumiya, Suzumiya... S... Su..."

"UNACCEPTABLE!" A booming voice from behind me caused me to jump out of my seat. I turned around to find myself face to face with a beast of a man. He was tall. _Really _tall, though my perspective was somewhat skewed as I was now short. _Really _short. Even through his shirt, it was obvious he was in good shape. Broad shoulders and thick arms, currently crossed in front of his chest, gave him an aura of authority. And his face... All of his expressions demanded your attention. The face of a leader, with piercing brown eyes that seemed to see right through you. His short black hair was slicked back and held in place by a yellow hairband. Overall, he was... well, handsome. _Really_ handsome. My heart skipped a beat or two at first sight. Just looking in his gorgeous eyes, I... Oh God, what am I saying? Am I blushing? Somebody, please, shoot me.

"What is all this? What point is there in looking through the past?" The boy continued his rant while all I could do was stare in embarrassment and keep my heart from racing. "As a member of the SOS Brigade, it is your responsibility to lead! And a leader keeps his eyes on the future, not on days gone by!"

Wait, who in the hell was this guy? Did I know him?

"Eh? This is..." he picked up one of the yearbooks from my desk and stared at it intently, giving me time to catch my breath. Why was I blushing? What was happening to me? "Ah, I see." The boy dropped the book back onto my desk. "Well, that's different. If you wanted some pictures to make a tribute to your beloved Brigade Commander, all you had to do was ask!"

"Eh?" Did he just say he was... wait. I grabbed the yearbook that was just dropped and held it up in the air as a comparison. "Su... Suzumiya... Haru_ki_." The faces... they were identical. Well, except in the yearbook, he had a scornful look, and now he wore a boastful smile that sent my recently-turned-female heart aflutter. But all the same, it hit my like a sack of bricks. This _was _Haruhi.

Once again, I felt all the blood in my body quickly drain away. Only this time, the shock was too much and I quickly found myself become closely acquainted with the floor as the lights went out.

End Chapter 2


	3. When Universes Collide

Holy expostion, Batman! This chapter was a pain in my keister to write as I tried to explain just about everything in the plot up to this point, foreshadow some goings-on and still throw in some bit fan-service/comedy and still keep it all in character. I would greatly like to hear from you if there's anything I need to explain better, put a little simpler, make less OOC, or fix some typographical errors.

I AM actually rather happy with the pace, however, and am surprised I've managed to put out a whole new chapter in a matter of days. I'll try to keep up the pace.

As always, I don't own the characters, series, or a soul (sold it to the devil years ago)

* * *

I awoke with a strange feeling covering my face for the second time in a day, but this time it was a cold and wet feeling. I slowly sat up in my bed and allowed my vision to come into focus to find a familiar face before my own.

"Ha... Haru—GEH." A surge of pain shot through the back of my skull, causing me to wince in pain. When it finally settled down, I got a good look at my caretaker. I was in the nurse's office, alone with Haruki who sat at my side with a wet washcloth in his hand. His face showed a strange mixture of relief and rage. Actually, it was mostly anger.

"Honestly, Kyonko, what is the matter with you? I greet you as a goof commander should, and in response, you faint on the spot. What kind of behavior is that for a member of my SOS Brigade?!" He sighed in irritation before pointing his finger right in my face. _Now_ who's being irritating? "Your commander demands an explanation, or you'll face the death penalty!"

I sighed deeply. The 'death penalty,' huh? That confirms it. She might be in a new body, and she might not remember being a girl, but this was definitely the Haruhi I knew, no doubt about it.

"Hey, what're you smiling about?" he asked putting his face right in mine, probably trying to see into my mind. Hey, wait, was I smiling? I was. But why? "You better not be hiding something!"

I shook my head nervously. Shit. What can I say? 'Last time I saw you, you were a girl?' Even I don't know why I was acting so weird. But I need to think of an excuse. "Well, uh, that is... Oh, yeah! I kinda... missed breakfast this morning. It's, uh... part of... a new diet. And... I guess I couldn't go without food."

"Are you stupid?!" Haruki got on his feet and seemed angrier than ever. "What were you thinking?! You need to eat breakfast."

While it had been a lie, the fact that Haruki seemed so concerned with my health gave me a warm feeling in my chest. Maybe he'd come over and feed me himself. Wait, why am I saying that as if... Dammit! Curse these new female hormones!

"If you don't eat, you'll never get more womanly curves!" he said with a satisfied nod.

...Huh?

"Listen up, Kyonko, for I will only say this once: Roughly 50% of a breast is made up of adipose tissue, more commonly called fatty tissue! Not only that, but the hips, thighs, and buttocks are also given extra fatty tissue as directed by increases in estrogen! If you don't begin each and every day by having a meal with a high fat content, such as eggs, vegetable oils, and fish, how can you ever expect to become a real woman, instead of an ironing board with legs?!"

My womanhood had just been insulted. All that morning I could think of nothing but ways to restore my manhood, but to have it insulted like that... It was unforgivable! I wasn't going to sit back and take another word of this insane biology lesson!

"Now hold it right there!" I quickly vaulted from the bed and reached back to deliver a thunderous slap across his face that echoed through the room. "Now you listen to me! Okay, so I'm as flat as a board! I don't have womanly curves, but so what?! I... I..." Truth be told, I'm not even really sure why I was so upset. It was hardly the first time Haruhi had lectured me. "I'm still me, and if that's not good enough for you... then... Well, who cares what you think, anyway?!"

Oh boy. I'd never spoken to Haruhi that way, and as I realized what I did and braced for his oncoming rage... he smiled. Eh?

"Heh. Ha ha... Ho hahahahahahahaha!" His smile quickly turned into a fit of laughter. Okay. I was confused. What the hell was so funny?"

"Now _that_ is the Kyonko I know!" he said with a radiant smile that outshone the sun. "Koizumi came to talk to you shortly after you passed out and told me what happened." I gritted my teeth and blushed in defeat. Koizumi, you jerk, what did you tell this moron?

The curtain around the bed slid open and in stepped that jerk, now sporting a nurses cap on her head and the same stupid smile. "I'm sorry, Kyonko, if I'd known you were prone to anemic spells during _that time of the month_ I never would have made you come with me without at least offering to take you to breakfast myself."

Haruki nodded in agreement. "It's all right, Koizumi. Kyonko should have notified us of any and all medical conditions in her paperwork when she joined the brigade. You couldn't have known." Haruki's smile turned from beaming as he looked at Koizumi and became condescending as he looked at me. "And I figured, if anemia is a lack of blood, I figured, what gets the blood pumping better than a little anger? I'd say with that outburst she's cured!"

My face was redder than I thought humanly possible. If I wasn't anemic before, I was going to be with all that blood rushing to my cheeks. First of all, what paperwork? I never signed up for the SOS Brigade. No one did! It was more akin to a kidnapping than an official agreement! Secondly, _that's_ why you insulted my chest? Ugh. And I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. Not to mention that despite your A+ grades in biology you don't realize an adrenaline rush would only make anemia _worse?_ Whatever. I lost the will to argue. And I'm _not _going through nor willing to even think about _that time of the month._

Haruki then stood up and headed for the door. "Well, since you seem to be better, I'll see you back at class. And you better not even think of skipping our brigade meeting this afternoon! I've got big plans for Golden Week, and there won't be any weaseling out of them!" I sighed. Fine, whatever. I'll need to find a way to convince you to turn us all back to normal anyway, so it's not like I have a choice.

Before leaving me to my angry thoughts, however, Haruki stuck his head back in the room. "Oh, by the way, it's been a long time since I saw you in a ponytail. It looks good on you."

Erk. That was a cheap shot. It would seem my cheeks are permanently set to red as the anger drained from me and was quickly replaced by embarrassment and nervousness. My heart began to race once more. "Why...?" Why did he continually make me feel this way? Haruhi and I were friends. I can be reluctant to admit it, but we were. I could even say close friends but... "Why does he always make me feel this way when we talk?" I hugged my knees tightly and hid my face from Koizumi, who was still watching.

"Well, it would seem this has gotten even more complicated..." she whispered.

* * *

I decided to eat the lunch Koizumi had delivered for me, seeing as I'd left home without mine, in the club room. I tried to eat it in the classroom with Taniguchi and Kunikida, but, as it turns out, female Taniguchi's problems finding a boyfriend were equally as irritating to listen to as male Taniguichi's girlfriend problems.

As I opened the clubroom door, I prepared for the worst. I already knew what to expect, and it seemed that I was correct. The room looked virtually identical, except for one thing.

In the corner of the room sat a boy on a metal chair. He seemed almost as tall as Haruki. Maybe even taller. It was hard to tell with him sitting down, but he would have easily dwarfed my now puny body. However, unlike the well-defined and fit Haruki, this boy was more slender. At the tip of his long arms was a book, the title of which I couldn't even determine the language of. His short, purple hair was well-groomed, as was his overall appearance. Square-rimmed glasses sat before his deep-yellow eyes that could convey a world of ideas on an otherwise expressionless face. Nagato Yuki (or rather, Yuuki, as I later learned, was its new spelling).

"N-Nagato, is that you?" I asked sheepishly. There really was no use in asking. There was no one else in this world who could look so utterly perfect a poker face as Nagato. Really, I just wanted something to start a conversation and to assure myself that Nagato was still herself... himself... dammit, this is still hard to get used to.

Without so much as blinking or turning his head in the least towards me, Nagato nodded his head so slightly that you would never have seen it lest you were looking for it. That's comforting. If even Nagato's personality were changed, what hope did I have in resisting my new feminine compulsions?

"So... it would seem we've all... switched genders?" I said hesitatingly. I sincerely hoped that Nagato had at least noticed though it wouldn't be too surprising if she hadn't.

"Indeed." His voice was... deep. Deep but soft. At least his inability to answer most questions in more than a single word was the same as well.

"Do you... do you know why it happened?" Nagato nodded, and then there was an awkward silence. Ah, yes. I was so nervous I almost forgot the need to be very specific when talking to Nagato. "Could you please explain it to me?"

Clap. Nagato shut his book and sat it on a nearby table before turning to me. "Some inaccuracy is inevitable in verbal communicating and some concepts are beyond the intellectual understanding of humanity in the present era." In other words, it was going to be complicated.

"Don't worry about that." I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't need to know the technical details. I just want to know the basics of what happened."

"...I see." Nagato paused for a moment, as if calculating what constituted as 'basic' in his mind. Maybe he was. "At midnight last night, Suzumiya Haruhi released a burst of data that contained the spatial coordinates of an alternate universe. This particular universe developed virtually identical to the universe that you are familiar with except that the genetic coding of a specific age group of humans from ten through twenty within a single city was altered, causing their bodies to develop into the gender opposite of the one that you are familiar with. The two universes began to move towards each other and collide."

My jaw hung open. Nagato's ability to go from one or two word responses to long-winded monologues also seems to be intact. "S-So, two... worlds colliding. That's... a bad thing?" To be honest, I knew I was stating the obvious, but when you're dealing with Haruhi, the obvious isn't always correct.

Nagato pushed his glasses up his nose. Wait, why did he have glasses now? "This type of event has never occurred in any instance known to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The ramifications of two parallel universes moving together has never been studied. So far, the only known side effect was the transference of minds from one universe to the other. Specifically, only Suzumiya Haruhi and Suzumiya Haruki, and those close to them were transferred, as they are the focal points of the movement. The closer to the two of them a person was, the more complete the transfer."

"I... I see." Actually, I didn't get it at all. How do parallel universes somehow collide? And why would they? And what do you mean a 'more complete' transfer? Are there people out there with half a mind? Well, then again, Koizumi did say some of the espers in the Organization had two sets of memories. Maybe they are stuck between worlds. Maybe. Hey, I'm just a normal guy. Girl. Person. I shouldn't have to contemplate the existence of parallel universes, let alone the consequences when they crash into each other like a couple of rams butting heads.

"...Do not worry." Nagato spoke in a calming tone. Well, it wasn't really calming so much as I wanted to hear it as such. "The Integrated Data Sentient Entities of both worlds as well as all Sentient Humanoid Interfaces have erected a data barrier that will halt any further collision."

"...Ah. I see. So, we're going to be okay?" I asked expectantly. Come on, Nagato. Lie to me if you have to.

"...Yes. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity has appointed me and my alternate counterpart in our original world as overseers of this."

"Overseers?"

"...We are to watch over you and your alternate counterpart. I will render any assistance you require upon request. In the event of any unforeseen catastrophic events, I will also act as your shield."

"Shield? Me? But why?"

Nagato paused. It felt like I had just given an incorrect answer in class. But instead of talking down to me, he simply stated in the same flat voice, "Because you are the only one who can set the world in order."

There it is again. I'm the 'only one' who can fix the world. But I suppose it's true. I, more than anyone, have more sway over Haruhi than anyone else in the world. Even if she's stuck in a guy's body, she's still Haruhi, and I still have my Ace in the Hole: John Smith. Wait, John Smith is a guy. So in this world, who did Haruki meet? Jane Doe? Whatever. That's a desperation move, anyway. In the meantime, all I have to do is convince Haruki to somehow return the world to normal. Which means I need to find out why all of this happened in the first place. Easy as can be, right?

...Ugh. Wrong. Haruhi's thought pattern was hard enough to decipher on a good day. Trying to understand her motivations in a new world with a new body would be like trying to solve the ancient Greek Labyrinth blindfolded.

"You will be fine." Nagato's voice once more interrupted my mind as it wandered down into the depths of despair. "I trust that you will find the answer."

For the first time all day, a smile creased my lips. And I could almost swear I saw a blush creep to Nagato's face when he saw it. Almost. Though it could just have been wishful thinking. In either case, he picked up his book and began to read once more as if nothing had happened.

I sat down and opened my lunch. I needed to build up my strength. Nagato was right. I can do this. Nobody else could. The thought of some girl, an alternate version of me running around in my world with my body was too disturbing to stomach. So no matter what, I was going to bring things back to normal.

Or at least as normal as can be when you're dealing with Suzumiya Haruhi.

End Chapter 3

* * *

So, how was that? Anything confusing? This was mostly exposition, so it's important that it's readable and intelligible. But I hope most of all that it was entertaining. Again, please send me any critiques you have, and thanks so much for the positive reviews.


	4. What Is a Man?

Chapter 4 is up and ready, I assume. Proofreading was never my strong suit. In any case, this is where the story starts to head towards the climax, so I'm starting to set it all up. Hopefully it came out well. As always, I appreciate any critiques, and thank you for the kind reviews.

* * *

I took a deep breath and put my hand on the doorknob to the clubroom, bracing myself for whatever it was I'd face on the other side. Haruki already said he'd be making an announcement today, and that was never a good thing. But Nagato said he trusted me, and even Koizumi said the same thing. I psyched myself up and turned the knob only to see...

Nothing. An empty room. Well, okay, Nagato was still there, but when _wasn't _he there? Seriously, does he even go to class? Well, with his brain, I'm sure he could just show up for tests and--

"K-Kyon?"

A timid but somewhat familiar voice whimpered from inside the room. Wait, come to think of it, so far, I've spoken with Haruki, Koizumi, and Nagato. There was still one member of our little renegade club I hadn't seen. I looked around the room, but aside from Nagato reading his book, I didn't see anyone. But then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw what seemed to be a head of orange hair sticking out of the costume rack. "A-Asahina?"

"Kyoooooooon!"

In a blur, that head of orange hair lunged at me, tackling me to the ground. My vision blurred as the back of my skull met the cold, hard floor for the second time today. If this were a bad daytime soap opera, I'd already be an amnesiac. More than my head, however, I was concerned for my torso, which was currently being crushed by a very, very emotional... boy.

"Kyon! Kyon! KyonKyonKyonKyonKyonKyonKyonKyoooooooooon!" he screamed, somewhat oblivious to the fact that I was unable to even gasp for air. "Kyon, I don't know what to do! I... I... I turned into... into a _boy_! And... and everyone else has changed, too! And... and..."

"Can't... br... breathe..." I finally managed to gasp out the words, signaling a moment of clarity in the mind of the young red-head, who finally realized what he had been doing.

"Oh... Oh no! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! Please, please forgive me! I just... wah! Wah! I just--You, too?! And me! And Haruhi and Nagato and everyone!" Asahina began to wave his hands all over the place in a wild panic.

I immediately sat back up and put my hands on the now-masculine Asahina's shoulders and looked into his deep, brown eyes. Even in a new body, they were still filled with an innocence and purity that absolutely shone through. Well, the parts that weren't overflowing with tears, anyway. "Asahina. Please. Calm down. Deep breaths."

"Y-Yes, th-thank you, I've... I've been on edge... all day. I just..." The boy finally seemed to have calmed down as he took a few deep breaths, though his cheeks were still quite moist with tears and he shook visibly. However, it was enough to give me a chance to look over the angelic 'mascot' of the club.

Suffice to say, Asahina was not exactly the pinnacle of masculinity. He wasn't a rung or two below it. He wasn't even halfway there. The female Asahina Mikuru could have easily passed for a middle-school student if it were not for a few strategic, and wonderful, curves. Similarly, the male-version looked just as young. If it weren't for the fact that he wore a high-school uniform, you'd swear he was still in junior high. From his high-pitched voice to his gentle face and short stature, he was adorable.

I'm still not entirely sure if the warm feeling I got looking at him was caused by my new womanly hormones or if the Asahina I knew was merely so pure and perfect that even a clash of universes could not sully her nature. All things considered, sore ribs and a second bump on the head was a small price to pay for knowing that Asahina was still herself. Himself. You know what I mean.

Finally getting up off the ground, Asahina gave me a hand and lifted me up as well. After I was back on my feet and dusted off my skirt, though, I found him just staring back at me with a slight blush in his cheeks. "Wah, Kyon... you're so pretty..."

Immediately, both of our faces got even redder. God, this was pathetic.

"Ah, no, I didn't mean it like that!" Asahina stammered while flailing about. "I don't really think you're pretty—erk, wait, that's even worse! I don't think you're ugly! Not in the least! I just saw your face and my heart skipped and—wait, I shouldn't say that! That's wrong! It's... It's this body! I feel all strange and I--"

"Asahina, I'm a little thirsty. Could you please make some tea, if it wouldn't be too much trouble?"

"Ah! Tea! Yes, coming right up!"

I sighed deeply. It was actually strangely comforting that there was someone who actually managed to take our current situation worse than I did.

* * *

"I... I see," Asahina said sadly. "If that's what's going on, then that explains why I haven't been able to contact the people of my time. There was a time quake this morning, early on. When I felt it, I tried to contact my superiors, but there was no answer. But now it makes sense. It's just like in August..."

Asahina referred to the time we were stuck in a time-loop back in the summer. We repeated the same two weeks before school opened over 15,000 times until we finally discovered how to set the world in order once more.

"Kyon. It's supposed to be nearly impossible to alter the future from the past. You should know this from what you've seen and done. Time is like a film reel. Altering a single cel doesn't change the rest of the movie. At least, that's how it's supposed to work." He paused to take a sip of his tea and sighed sadly. "However, there do exist ways to change the course of time in slight ways."

Change the course of time? Say, that gives me an idea. "Asahina, would it be possible for us to go into the past, such as yesterday, find out what made Haruhi wish for the world to change like this, and then change it so it never happened?"

He just shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. I said it was possible, but as a time-traveler myself, it goes against the code to ever do anything other than that which has been predetermined. Not only that, but it's incredibly dangerous. Even slight changes in a time plane, if they ripple across into other time planes, can cause catastrophic events."

Great. The fact that my plan was so fully rejected on all levels was a blow to my pride. Not to mention that all this talking of time planes and parallel universes was giving me a headache, which was exasperated by my second blow to the skull today. Isn't there some astrophysicist who would be better off thinking about all this?

"However," Asahina continued, "I can say this. In every instance in which time has been altered, it all rested on a decision. To act or not to act. To fight or to retreat. To live or to die." He put his hand on his heart and closed his eyes. "I believe right now, Haruhi is at one of those decisions. A choice between worlds. It's a choice that will affect all of us. Until that choice is made, there isn't a future for me to return to..." He seemed to be ready to cry once again.

"Hey, it... it'll be all right... I think..." Ugh. That was the worst reassurance I'd ever given.

He sniffed his nose twice and held back his tears. "You're... you're right. I'll be okay. Because you're here, Kyon. Or should I say, Kyonko?"

"Ugh. My nickname is dumb enough. Honestly, _Kyonko?_"

Asahina giggled to himself lightly. "I'm teasing. No matter what you look like, you're still Kyon to me. And that's why I won't be frightened anymore. You've always made the right choices in the past, so I know you can help Haruhi. She may not even realize she's struggling, and she might not look like herself, but she's still herself inside. I know you can help her."

I smiled for the second time that day. That bode of confidence and this delicious tea was all I needed to bolster my spirits. Now, I was ready to face anything.

Sadly, that delusion lasted all of three seconds, when the door came smashing open to reveal the foot that kicked it open at mach speeds. Attached to that foot was Suzumiya Haruki, brandishing a smile that I knew too well.

"Yo, your shining commander is here! And I have big new--" He stopped mid-sentence and glared at Asahina. "Mitsuuru!"

"...Huh? Wait, do you mean me?" Asahina looked around the room, wondering if we had a visitor we hadn't noticed.

"Do you know any other Mitsuuru?" Haruki asked sarcastically. Ah, I see. In this world, that's his name. I supposed Mikuru would be a little strange for a guy, I guess. "Where's your uniform?"

"Eh? Y-you mean I still have to dress up like a maid?!" The terror in his face was palpable. So much for no longer being scared with me around.

"What? Of course not! I meant your butler uniform, stupid," Haruki said with a sigh. However, his frown turned into a mischievous smile. "However... a cross-dressing shotacon character would certainly attract more female customers... All right, let's do it!"

With that declaration, Haruki ran to the costume rack and grabbed a maid uniform from a hook. Wait a second, why do you even have one of those?! In an instant, Haruki had tackled Asahina to the floor and was starting to strip him down.

"AIIEEEEEEEEE!"

I had been frozen in shock until that piercing scream woke me from my daze. The look of humiliation in his eyes mirrored my own as I ran from the room and slammed the door shut from the hallway. I leaned back against the door and sat down on the floor, sighing in disbelief.

"Just like old times, hmm?" Came a teasing voice from beside me.

"Yah!" My heart nearly jumped through my recently-bruised chest. I turned to see Koizumi not more than 10cm from my face. "Don't scare me like that!"

Koizumi giggled lightly, hiding her smile with her hand. "My apologies. You looked so cute, I couldn't resist."

"Spare me the empty flattery." A round of screams, squeals, and crashes came from within the room as the epic battle between men and a dress continued. The fact that I got the urge to peek inside scared me.

"Oh, but it's not empty." Koizumi sat across from me against the opposite wall and hugged her knees, still pretty, and still smiling gently. "I really do think you look cute as you are now, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. And what's wrong with that? I'm just being honest. It's a luxury I can't usually afford. After all, Suzumiya still views me as the 'mysterious transfer student.' If I started wearing my heart on my sleeve, there would be no mystery anymore."

"What are you getting at?" I asked. I was really not in the mood for a lecture while listening to the horrific screams of Asahina behind me.

"Pardon me. There really wasn't a point there, I just was saying what was on my mind." She tilted her head to the side and chuckled lightly. Argh. Just watching her made me mad.

"Now now," she continued. "There's no need to be jealous."

I blushed. "Who said anything of being jealous? Wh-who cares about being busty and beautiful?"

"'Busty and beautiful?' Now who said anything about that?"

Erk. Me and my big mouth. "...Fine. Okay, I might be a little... jealous of you. Just a little."

Koizumi's smile widened. "There now, was that so difficult? It's important to always be honest with yourself of all people. After all, how can you understand the motives of another when you can't even understand your own? Speaking of which, have you given much thought to why Suzumiya would cause this incident?"

I shook my head. "I haven't had much time, though I doubt it'd do any good. Nothing significant enough for me to remember happened over the course of the last few days."

"I see," Koizumi nodded. "Well, then, just be sure to think about it. And since we're all being honest with each other here, I'll tell you a little secret, too." She raised her hand to point at me. "When you sit like that, everyone can see your panties."

I looked down. The top of my skirt rested on my legs, which were spread out a bit. I quickly threw my hands down to push on the skirt and turned redder still. Koizumi began to laugh to herself and the parts of me which weren't mortified grew even more irritated. Before I could express that anger, though, the door opened behind me and we were greeted to a sight of an adorable crossdressing maid.

"W-welcome, m-masters..." Asahina's face was devoid of life. It seemed the experience of being stripped and forced to crossdress the very same day his gender spontaneously changed was simply too much for his mind to take and had abandoned all pride and dignity.

That's why I didn't have the nerve to tell him how good that maid's outfit looked on him. The following thoughts were too impure for me to speak of. Fortunately my thoughts on my sexual orientation, which became very complex, was interrupted by Haruki.

"Gentlemen! I have made a discovery that may very well change the nature of this brigade—no, the world!" He paced back and forth at his computer desk while we took our seats. "Now, I've discovered an important flaw in our plans. For all this time we've searched for the extraordinary. And while we have gotten close to finding something big, I've realized there's an easier way!"

I had a feeling that whatever it was, it would not be easier for me.

"Simply put," Haruki continued as he rested his chin on his palm, "the extraordinary attracts the extraordinary. Geniuses join organizations full of other geniuses and athletes go to sporting events and join teams of the best players. So, if we want to meet those who are phenomenal is to be phenomenal ourselves!"

_This_ was Haruki's brilliant announcement? I felt a massive headache set in as I pondered how in the world he planned to make us amongst the elite of humanity. Then I remembered he was also addressing an alien, a time traveler, and an esper. Honestly, you weren't going to find a crowd more extraordinary than that.

"It seems to me," said Koizumi, "that it would be impractical and too time consuming to study hard and work out in order to be the smartest or most athletic people in the world. So, I'm willing to guess that you have an idea as to how we could become a pinnacle of humanity, don't you, Suzumiya?"

Haruki's grin went from glowing to blinding. "You nailed it! You're not our vice commander for nothing! You're right. It's not enough to compete with humanity in the same old boring ways. We'd never attract attention by competing the same way as everyone else. Knowledge, sports, wealth are meaningless. We'll train ourselves to be something that could never be denied or taken away! We're going to become shining beacons of manliness!"

Somebody kill me. Please. I don't even know where to begin. But enough was enough and I had to say something. "You do realize that two of your subordinates are female, right?" I had a horrific experience today almost walking into the men's room. My experience in the girls' room after that was even worse, but it did attest to my new sex.

"It doesn't matter!" Haruki explained, throwing his fist in the air. "In fact, that's all the more reason to do it!"

I couldn't argue with that logic. Mostly because there wasn't any to argue with.

"Mitsuuru," Haruki exclaimed, pointing at the terrified maid-boy who began to tremble. "Look at yourself! You can hardly call yourself a male looking like that!"

"You're the one that dressed him like that against his will!" I protested.

"That's beside the point!"

"No, that _is_ the point!"

Haruki sighed. "Can't you ignore the petty details and see the big picture for once, Kyonko? Think about it, as shining pillars of masculinity, we'll have the eyes of the world on us, looking up to us! And as such, we'll be a beacon for those like aliens who wish to know the true nature of what it means to be a man!"

I give up.

"And that's why, for this momentous plan, we need to visit the manliest place in Japan! _Okinawa_!"

A hundred thoughts ran through my mind. In no particular order, they went something like this: How is Okinawa manly? It's said to have beautiful beaches, sure, but isn't 'beautiful' more of a feminine word? What do you intend to do there? One thought stood out, though.

"How are we supposed to afford a trip to Okinawa?!" I proclaimed.

"Oh ye of little faith," said Haruki with a grin. "Did you think your brigade leader had come unprepared for every contingency? Hey, Tsuruya!"

The door swung open again and was followed by a round of laughter that came from a fanged, open mouth of a tall and handsome man with shoulder length hair. "Yo, guys, what's up? I wanted to surprise ya and let ya know my family has an old summer home on Kouri island in Okinawa. The rest of my family is going overseas for golden week, so you guys get to come with me instead! It'll be a megasa blast!"

I suppose there wasn't any way I could worm my way out of this. Not that I had any plans to interrupt during golden week, but... Ah, whatever. I needed to figure out what Haruki was thinking, and this trip might provide the perfect chance to find out.

"Then it's settled. Tomorrow, we leave by boat for Okinawa! We'll meet up first by the usual spot at 9am! And as a penalty, since the trip is free, the person who arrives last will have to spend the entire day in a bikini!"

Erk! I just hope I don't die of embarrassment first.

End Chapter 4

* * *

Whoo, Okinawa! The Hawaii of Japan! Kinda! Japanese geography isn't exactly my strong suit, so I used Google Earth and Wikipedia to look for some good places to set up the conclusion. The next chapter is the trip there, and it's where the stakes will get higher and where things will come together. And for all those who requested it, I may let Taniguchi come as well.

As always I don't own the characters, and look forward to your comments.


	5. A Long Trip

Okay, first, I'd like to apologize for how long this chapter took to update. A lot happened. Specifically, since I started writing it:

I caught a cold.

Work increased my hours, leaving me little time to write.

Writer's block reared its ugly head as I had a hard time figuring out where I wanted to go from here

And to top it off, I was unhappy with how it was progressing, so I started the whole chapter from scratch after a number of pages.

But now it's done, and here it is for your enjoyment. Hopefully. I thought I was done with EXPOSITION, EXPOSITION, EXPOSITION, but I came up with some new ideas. Please point our any mistakes, or tell me if anything is too complicated/simplistic. I value your opinions.

* * *

It's currently 6:00am and I'm walking through the park clad in a sky-blue sundress and straw sunhat. In my right hand is a suitcase packed with essentials I'll need for our "training mission" to Okinawa. The reason for this early departure is quite simple. Normally I'd hate the idea of even being awake this early on a day off from school, but I had some special motivation to make it to our usual meeting place first.

"The person who arrives last will have to spend the entire day in a bikini!"

Haruki's voice rings through my head, sending a shiver up my spine. As decreed by the self-appointed supreme leader of the S.O.S. Brigade, the punishment for being the last to arrive to our 9am meeting at the train station would be forced to spend the entire day wearing nothing but two slim pieces of water-proof fabric in public.

Now, let me be honest here. I was actually getting used to this body. Being a girl wasn't that different from being a guy, when you really think about it. Okay, the clothes are different, but they were surprisingly comfy, and even a bra wasn't so bad once you know how to actually put one on. In fact, other than some bizarre feelings I had around certain people that I'm not going to get into right now, I can't really complain. Yeah, I wanted my own life back, but as far as Haruki goes, this was a far cry from the usual messes we have to clean up. No psychotic, knife-wielding aliens aiming to kill me, no hidden villas in a blizzard to navigate, and no giant blue Celestials smashing buildings in Closed Space.

And it didn't hurt that I looked damn good in a ponytail, if I dare say so.

But, with all the said, as normal as this world may have been, with standard laws of physics and no new supernatural phenomenon to counter, I was absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent unwilling to parade around my body in a skimpy piece of a swimwear. Sometimes a man has to take a stand, even if he's a woman.

Haruki would hear none of it, of course. As firm an anti-bikini stance I could take, Haruki's wrath was a force of nature, one a mere boy-turned-girl could never hope to withstand. Thus, rather than convince him to drop his humiliating punishment, the only logical solution was to beat him at his own game. And for that, I recruited help.

"K-Kyonko, your luggage looks heavy. Please, let me carry it for you." Beside me was Asahina Mitsuuru. Dressed in a white dress shirt and tan slacks, his simple attire only served to highlight his adorable features. I was slightly disturbed to find a boy so cute, but it was Asahina,the club's mascot and the savior of my heart and sanity all the same.

"No, I'm fine. Let's just concentrate on getting to the meeting place as early as possible."

My reason for bringing Asahina with me was two-fold.

First, last night he called me to inform me that Haruki had told him that he would arrive two-hours early with Tsuruya, Nagato, and Koizumi to ensure that I was the last to arrive, and that Asahina should come with them. To have such a devoted friend, to risk Haruki's evil rampage to warn me of his diabolical plans to humiliate me in public, truly I was blessed by the gods. We were now partners in crime.

Secondly, even if I arrived early enough, there was a chance that Asahina would arrive too late. If that happened, I feared for the poor boy's self-image. Yesterday's disaster with the maid outfit already proves that Haruki will completely ignore gender when it comes to punishments, and I don't know how much more mental scarring Asahina can take. Thus, it was my duty to protect his innocent and beautiful mind from Haruki's corruption.

And we failed.

When we arrived at our usual meeting place, Haruki, Tsuruya, Nagato, and Koizumi were all sitting and waiting. My heart sank into my stomach. How was this possible?!

"Well played, Kyonko, but your efforts were in vain," Haruki stated with the sinister grin of a madman watching his evil plans fall into place.

Asahina was trembling in terror. "B-B-B-But y-you said—you said you'd arrive two hours early, not three! H-How—Why—Waaaaaah!"

"Yes, I told you I'd be here two hours early instead of three. Because I knew you'd betray me!" Haruki pointed accusingly at Asahina causing the boy to lose his footing and tumble to the ground in tears. "I purposely misdirected you to make a point! If you want something badly enough, you must be willing to trick, steal, lie, and fight for it! That's the Law of Being a Man #1!"

"Wait," I stopped to think. "Are you saying you were willing to sit out here at 5 o'clock in the morning because you wanted to... to see me in a bikini?"

Haruki's face immediately turned bright red. I want to say I hit the bulls-eye, but the idea that he... you know, I'm just going to stop thinking about that.

"O-Of course not. Who'd want to see a f-flat stick like you in a b-bikini?"

"What... did you call me?" Suddenly, rage filled my entire being. I did not wake up early and march through the streets, carrying a heavy suitcase, just to be called flat.

Haruki sighed. "Well, it's the truth. You might as well be a boy with a figure like that. You need at least some curves to pull off a bikini."

"I am a girl, dammit! I'm one-hundred percent female! In fact, I bet I'd look so good in any swimsuit it'd knock your socks off!"

"Then prove it!"

"I will!"

...And that outburst of pride is how I ended up standing outside, in public, wearing nothing but a yellow bikini, one that tied into a bow at the front of my chest. Koizumi claims she managed to obtain my measurements from the school nurse's office, though more likely the Organization already had them, and was tasked last night with procuring a bikini that would suit me. Dammit, this is a conspiracy!

"D-Don't you dare laugh..." I pulled my sunhat down over my face and stared down at my sandals. I didn't want to see their reactions. As much as it pained me to admit it, Haruki was right. I was almost as flat as a board. The swimsuit had special pads sewn in, but even with them, I had next to nothing.

"W-Well, I s-suppose y-you're not as bad as I th-thought..." Haruki stuttered. I quickly lifted my hat off my head to see him turning his head away and... was he... blushing?

Before I could determine if he was, in fact, turning red, a painful slap came across my spine. "Wahaha!" Tsuruya laughed. "Lookin' pretty darn cute there, Kyonko!"

"As I thought. Yellow is definitely your best color," stated Koizumi with her usual lady-like smile. "It looks great on you."

As my embarrassment and humility reached their peak, Asahina chimed in. "K-Kyonko... you look... I mean..." His face was as redder than my own. "I can't explain... why do I feel so... so..."

"All right, now it's your turn!" Haruki interrupted the orange-haired boy's confused monologue, placing his arm around his shoulder.

"Eh? Wait, me? What--?"

"W-Wait, what are you doing? I was the last to arrive!" I saw where this was going and I didn't like it.

"No, you two were both the last to arrive, so you both must be punished! Koizumi!"

"Yes, sir. Right here." Koizumi removed a scarlet piece of clothing from her bag and tossed it to Haruki, who proceeded to drag a screaming Asahina off into the men's room. I could only listen in a mix of terror and curiosity as screams emerged from the now forbidden room.

"Ah, no, no, stop! Not that!"

"Quit squirming and give up already!"

"Ah, don't touch that!"

"What's your problem? We're both guys here!"

"But I'm not—I wasn't—Eeeeeek! Please! At least let me do it myself!"

Haruki emerged moments later looking rather triumphant. How can someone look so smug after sexually harassing such an innocent person?

Asahina then followed suit, slowly walking out of the bathroom with a look of utter defeat written across his face which was covered in tears. And on his body... oh wow. A snug, scarlet bikini left little to the imagination. His feminine looks made it impossible to tell that he was a boy behind that tight suit, digging into his hips, so tenderly—wait, I'm... I'm drooling.

"My, it does suit you," remarked Koizumi.

"I can't believe you're a guy," added Haruki. "Dammit, you make such a cute girl I just... just... c'mere, you!"

This takes me back. Haruki tackled Asahina to the ground and began his sexual assault, molesting and teasing the poor boy. He bit down on Asahina's right ear, causing the bikini-clad lad to shriek in terror as tears rolled down his face. And for a while there, I was jealous. I'm not sure whose place I'd rather have been in.

"It would seem that our train is here, shall we depart?" Koizumi snapped us all back to reality.

"Ah, yeah. Thanks," Haruki said as he dropped the still sobbing Asahina to the ground.

As it turns out, Tsuruya's family does a lot of business with this train station, and has several private rooms in the back of the train that we were free to use. This suited me just fine, as I was growing more and more embarrassed as the number of people staring at my attire, or lack thereof, increased.

"All right!" Haruki slammed his hand on a particular door. "Tsuruya, you're with me in this room. We have to plan our schedule in secret! The rest of you are not to listen in to our plannings! If you do, you'll face the death penalty! The death penalty!"

Not that I care, but I thought we were going to Okinawa to train to be 'manlier,' whatever that meant. Why did training have to be secret?

"Idiot!" Haruki seemed to yell angrily, but his smile seemed to be full of pride. "Law of Being a Man #2: Be prepared for that which you are unprepared! How can you train to the maximum if you know what's coming? A true man is ready for anything, even when he's not ready!"

"You're contradicting yourself."

"It's basic logic! What kind of man do you think you are?"

I sighed. "For the last time, I'm a girl! Ugh. Whatever, I have a headache now. I'm going to go sit down."

I slid open the door to our private room and sat next to the window, staring out, wondering how we managed to get on board dressed like this. I was surprised a conductor didn't throw us off. Or maybe they just saw Haruki with us and knew that trying to kick us off would just start a fight they couldn't win. Haruhi is scary enough. Put her in the body of a tall, strong man, and he's downright scary.

"You know, I wasn't trying to flatter you before," Koizumi interrupted my train of thought as she sat beside me. "I really do think that suit looks good on you."

My face reddened. "L-Like I care. I'm a guy, so why would I care how I look in a bikini?"

"Oh? But were you not just lecturing Suzumiya for not recognizing you as female?"

"Y-Yeah, well, that's just—I mean, physically, biologically—for now—Argh, why do I need to explain this to you?"

Koizumi smiled charmingly as Nagato and Asahina took the seats opposite from us.

"Well, if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me what makes a man a man and a woman a woman?"

"Eh?" I didn't like where this was going but I figured I'd play along anyway. "I suppose the obvious choice is the body."

"Oh? Well, if that's the case, I'd say you're most definitely female, then. You are who you are. It's usually much easier to just accept that and move on. You can deny reality all you want, but it won't change by just thinking about it. Those who change the world are those who fight hard to bring about change instead of passively hoping for it."

I shot Koizumi an irritated glare. "In other words, I am a girl, and I need to either accept that or get Haruki to change me back to a guy."

"I'd say that sums it up nicely," the beautiful freak said with a phony smile. God I hate her sometimes. But she's also right. Though that only makes me hate her more.

I couldn't stand Koizumi's beautiful face anymore, so I averted my gaze to see Nagato reading a book. I bet that's all he brought in that case of his. Well, I suppose he needs a week's worth, but still. And then there was Asahina. Once I laid my eyes on him, they were fixated. He was too damn cute. In that red bikini, he was just so feminine, you'd never guess he was a guy, but he was. And that made the feelings flowing through my body all the more confusing.

"W-Wah..." he cried. "Eh?" He looked up to see my staring and quickly shrieked. "Eeeeek! No, don't look at me!" He began to sob as he curled up into the fetal position in his chair.

His adorable factor was increasing rapidly. "Asahina, it's... It's okay. Really. You look cute." Wait, is that the right thing to say?

Asahina looked up, back into my own eyes, with tears pouring down his cheeks. "Th-Thank you, Kyonko. I know you mean well but... Waaaaah... I got so many stares... Now I'll never be a bride..."

"Uh... Asahina, right now, you're a guy, you couldn't be a bride to begin with."

"Eh?! Oh no, that's right! But... I always dreamed..." I could see the waterworks beginning in his eyes, and I had to move fast.

"Ah, wait, no, don't cry! Tell you what. If we end up stuck like this, I'll be your bride!"

For just a moment, Asahina's eyes flickered with happiness. "You'd do that... Wait, no, I can't, you can't—If Haruki found out he'd—But... thank you, Kyonko. I'm sure you'll make a beautiful bride someday."

For some reason, his words warmed my heart. Me? A bride? I once again had the image of me in a western style bridal gown and veil, being carried away on my wedding day and my chest began pounding. But the pureness of his words and the innocence in his eyes let me forget the fact that I should be repulsed by that mental picture. If it's from Asahina, I'll gladly take any intended compliment.

"If you don't mind," Koizumi once again interrupted my thoughts, "I believe it's a good time to discuss our current situation. I'm sure we all have some information to share.

The train began to pull out of the station and Nagato closed his book. That can only mean he had quite a bit to say.

"The Integrated Data Sentient has been studying this situation closely. We have determined that while the force moving these parallel dimensions together was indeed brought about by Suzumiya Haruhi, there was a simultaneous burst of energy from the Suzumiya Haruki of this world. It would seem that the two of them both desired to live in the other Suzumiya's world."

"I see," said Koizumi. "So two versions of the same person desired the exact same thing as the other. An amusing coincidence, isn't it?"

"I get the feeling you're implying there's no coincidence involved." Why can't she ever just say what she means? Her verbal acrobatics really pisses me off.

"Indeed. When dealing with Suzumiya, I feel that coincidence is something of a rarity. I have reason to suspect there has been some outside interference in this case. Someone or something wanted this to happen."

Okay, so let me get this all straight in my head. The universe is actually part of a series of parallel universes. One of these universes was like our own, except a large chunk of the population was the opposite sex. Haruhi in our dimension, and Haruki from this dimension, both wished for, at the same time no less, the two universes to collide, causing all of us to switch places? And someone else was secretly plotting all of this? Seems pretty far fetched, even for Haruhi's usual antics.

"That's mostly correct, but you're off on one thing," Koizumi stated. "Suzumiya, or should I say both Suzumiyas, had no desire to make both universes collide. That was merely a means to an end. Their real wish was quite obvious."

Well, if it was obvious, then I'm just an idiot who's oblivious to common sense. So, please, explain it to me.

Koizumi shrugged and shook his head condescendingly. I hated that shrug. "Well, in any case, for whatever reason, they both wished for the same thing: To be a member of the opposite sex."

Okay, in retrospect, that may sound obvious, but something didn't sit right with me. "Koizumi, we're talking about Haruhi here. She never had any problems with changing her clothes in front of boys for gym class."

"Well, doesn't that seem strange? Perhaps she feels closer to the boys than to the girls. It's certainly not the only bizarre behavior exhibited by Suzumiya. She has also shown some rather blatant attraction to Asahina."

I looked to Asahina, who was shivering, apparently in reflexive terror as she recalled the gropings and molestations of the past year.

"Okay, I know where you're going with this, and you're wrong. Haruhi's not like that. I would notice."

Koizumi shrugged and continued to show her phony smile. "I apologize. It was merely speculation."

Please refrain from making idle theories. It pisses me off listening to you ramble without evidence.

"Either way," continued Koizumi, seemingly ignoring my irritation, "the truth of the matter is that the two of them did wish to be the opposite sex. We can't deny that. And the fact is, to fulfill this wish, the two universes were somehow, for lack of a better term, started to move together. A side effect of this was that not only did Suzumiya Haruhi and Suzumiya Haruki swap bodies, but so did a number of people from our world. And it would seem that those unaware of Suzumiya's abilities contain no memory of the swap or their true pasts."

"And why is that?" I asked unenthusiastically.

"Well, I have several theories as to why that is. Would you care to listen?"

"No."

Koizumi shook her head and smiled. I'm in no mood to listen to anymore of your unproven theories. All that matters is that I have the gist of what's going on. Haruhi wanted to be a boy for some reason, and Haruki wanted to be a girl. So these two worlds collide, they swap bodies and take us along, only Haruhi and Haruki don't even know they did it. This leads me to one conclusion.

"So, all we need to do is convince 'Haruki' that he wants to be a girl again, and everything will go back to normal, right?"

"Well, more or less. At the same time, the original denizens of this world who are in our old bodies will try to convince Suzumiya Haruhi, who is really Suzumiya Haruki in mind, that she wants to be a boy again. There's not much we can do to help them, though, so we just have to trust them. Well, they are us, after all, so if we succeed, it is likely they will as well."

"Or," she continued, "there is another option. The fact that these worlds continue to collide suggests that there is a conflict, subconsciously, within the Suzumiyas. Perhaps they are unsure if things are as they should be. If we each convince our respective Suzumiya that the world is as it should be, we may remain as we are now, in our alternate bodies, and life will continue as normal."

"Absolutely not." I refuse to even accept that as a possibility.

"Forgive me," Koizumi gave a small bow. "I was merely offering an option. In all honesty, I don't mind the world as it is now. I would have no complaints if things stay as they are. In the end, though, the decision remains in your hands."

"Umm, Kyonko..." Asahina spoke up for the first time in a long time. "Kyonko, I believe she's right. Suzumiya always listens to you and only you. So the decision is yours to make. However..." He clenched his fists tight and leaned forwards. "I want to go back to the way things used to be! I miss my old body. I miss seeing you... I mean, the real you. Err... I just—I'm not saying I—I just feel scared in this world! I will be okay if we stay this way, but—Please, I want to go back to the way things were!"

Oh, Asahina, how could I say no to you? If you want me to move a mountain, I'll move a mountain. If you want me to drink all the seas, I'll drink all the seas. I couldn't turn down such an emotional request. But then I had a thought. It's most likely a useless question, but I needed to ask it anyway.

"Nagato, how do you feel about all of this?"

Nagato pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose and looked me in the eyes with that same emotionless face. "The gender of the interface in which I reside does not impact the nature or details of my work. I am to observe Suzumiya Haruhi, no matter what form she may take."

I suppose that figures. Nagato wasn't one to complain.

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity wishes to observe the effects of two parallel universes impacting one another, as such an event has never before been witnessed. However, early analysis suggests that there is approximately a 48.32% chance that this may ultimately result in the destruction of both worlds, including the Integrated Data Sentient Entity and Suzumiya Haruhi."

Wait. Wait. Wait. Did Nagato just say that the world may blow up? As in, everything in the universe will die? Oh God, Haruhi, what have you gotten us into this time?

"For this reason, as I have previously stated, I have been granted a temporary position as a guardian. We cannot afford to lose Suzumiya Haruhi as a subject of study, and as such, we will be actively attempting to prevent the collision of the parallel universes. The Data Barrier enacted by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity has successfully slowed the advances, but it will not hold. Full impact is expected within seven days."

Well, wonderful. If we don't figure out Haruki's little identity crisis within a week, the world might explode. No pressure, right?

"That may not be necessary," stated Nagato in his calm voice.

"Eh? What other choice do we have? Didn't you just say if we didn't get Haruki to want to go back to being Haruhi--"

"Aha, so it's as I suspected." Koizumi interrupted. "So, there's a third party involved here."

Nagato nodded. "It wasn't until this morning, but we have detected the presence of a new entity that may be partially responsible for the current situation."

I sighed. This was already complex enough. Parallel dimensions, alternate versions of ourselves, mind swapping, worlds colliding, why did I have to spend my Golden Week thinking about these things? I was just a normal high school girl. Sort of.

"This entity appears to be a collection of microscopic advanced sentient life with a colony mindset that lives between dimensions. Traces of its energy signature have been observed bordering on this world and the world we originally came from. We refer to it as the Multidimensional Microbial Collective."

Great. More aliens. Maybe these ones won't try to lock me in a classroom and stab me to death.

"So what makes you so sure that this... collective... thing is involved in this situation?" I hoped to keep this as simple as possible. A colony of space germs manipulating everything is not simple.

"After we detected the presence of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective, we ran a search across our respective worlds. Both Suzumiya Haruki and Suzumiya Haruhi display faint energy signals that correspond to Multidimensional Microbial Collective. For some reason yet to be determined, it has come into contact with both of them. Early analysis suggests it may have used mental manipulation to alter their desires, bringing about the current situation."

Oh, that's great. Now a race of intelligent bacteria are using hypnosis to make Haruhi act even more nuts.

"Umm, excuse me..." Asahina quietly spoke up. "Are you... are you suggesting that if we eliminate this Collective, that things may go back to normal?"

Nagato looked back at the boy, causing him to squirm in his seat. "That is the current theory. We are looking into the current location of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective and I will report any findings directly to you."

This was getting to be too much. Why was everything so complicated?

"Nagato," I had to ask. "What do you think we should do?"

Nagato blinked, as if surprised that I cared about his opinion. He paused momentarily, probably looking for the words. "...I would prioritize the search for and the elimination of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective. However, that may not be the only solution, and there is not much that can be done on your part until we locate it." He paused again. "As such, I do not have any suggestions to be made for your actions. I will simply be on stand-by. I trust your judgment."

Again I found myself sighing. It's nice that Nagato has such faith in me. I wish I could say the same. Things just kept getting worse and worse.

Suddenly, something unimportant came to me, but I needed to ask.

"Nagato, I want to ask you one last question."

He stared back at me silently.

"Why are you wearing glasses again?"

Nagato pushed the brim of those glasses back up to the bridge up his nose and paused. "According to the memory of this body, after the incident with Asakura Ryo, as he was known in this world, you said to me, 'I really like your glasses. I kind of have a glasses fetish.'"

The room went silent. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. I quickly grabbed a pillow from the storage compartment and buried my face in it for the remainder of the ride.

This was going to be a very long week.

End chapter 5

* * *

LOLOLOLOLOL SWIMSUIT FANSERVICE HERP A DERP

I didn't expect this train ride to contain the whole chapter, but I just wanted everything to be clear and to (possibly) tie up some loose ends.

Here's to hoping for a timely update this time.


	6. A Day at the Beach

It's been a while. Too long, if you ask me. It's been over a month, which, as far as I'm concerned, is too long between updates.

I apologize. But I assure you, it's because of work and other factors. It has nothing to do with releases of new games, like Left 4 Dead 2, or updates to Team Fortress 2. Or a general sense of laziness.

Anyway, this chapter was a bitch and a half to write. I wanted to get a little action in for once, but I think it might be a bit too cliche. Seriously, I rewrote sections of this chapter about 3 times. I'm still not completely satisfied with it, but it's as best as I could do. So please, if you spot any ways to help improve it, criticize away. I really need the help. I do hope to be an author someday, so any advice now will certainly help.

In any case, enough with the excuses. Here's chapter 6.

* * *

After an awkward and long train ride, we took a short ferry ride to Kouri island in Okinawa. Upon embarking, we were greeted by a rather unusual sight.

"So, uh, Tsuruya," I had to ask, "this is your summer home?"

"Yup! Well, one of 'em, anyway. Make yourself at home!"

I dropped my suitcase to the ground.

"IT'S HUGE!"

Before us was a pristine western style mansion. Three stories tall. Beachfront property. Surrounded by a lush garden. An enormous water fountain before the entrance. Every part of the house screamed 'We're filthy, stinking rich.' And it was only one of several summer homes.

Tsuruya is a nice enough guy, but I don't think I'll ever understand the rich.

"Awesome!" Haruki was doubled over with excitement, and began hopping up and down. "Tsuruya, you are the best! I can't wait any longer, let's hit the beach!"

With that, Haruki threw off his shirt and pants. My face reddened as I covered my eyes and pondered how if I should feel more or less embarrassed than I was. I took a quick peek, though, to see he had, apparently, worn swim trunks under his clothing. I wanted to chastise him for doing something so childish, but for one thing, it was Haruki. Childish was nothing new. And secondly, I, much to my eternal shame, couldn't stop staring. Dear Lord, what was happening to me?

A hand fell on my shoulder. I looked to see it connected to an ever smiling Tsuruya. "Yo, go on an' follow Haruki! The maid'll take your stuff to your room while the rest of us go get changed."

"No way," I refused. "Haruki said I had to spend the rest of the day dressed like this, but I'm not going to stay out in public, even on a beach, wearing a bikini. Absolutely not. I'm going to stay in my room until the end of the d--"

Before I could finish my sentence, I was suddenly grabbed from behind by my ponytail.

"Ow ow ow ow ow!" As I awkwardly walked in reverse, I could see my assailant, Haruki, pulling me off. "Hey, knock it off! That hurts!"

"This is a training trip! Everyone must join in, no exceptions!" Haruki stated coldly. "Absentees will face the death penalty!"

I sighed in resignation. "Fine. But don't pull me by my hair! It hurts!"

Surprisingly, Haruki listened. "That's bet--"

Before I could finish my expression of relief, I was hoisted over his shoulder and carried off instead. Oh well. But I never thought I'd miss the days of Haruhi dragging me around by my tie.

"I ask this of you: What is the ultimate goal of a man?"

After dragging me to the shore of a somewhat crowded beach just a short way from Tsuruya's unnecessarily large summer home, I was unceremoniously placed on my butt in the sand alongside my fellow bikini sufferer, Asahina, we were asked this meaningless and pointless question.

"...How would I know?" An honest question. Even if I still had my manhood, I would still have the same answer. I didn't even have the slightest clue what I wanted to do after high school, let alone some 'ultimate goal' for my life.

"Ah, um..." Asahina stuttered, apparently feeling obligated to answer between nervously scanning the area for anyone who might be staring at him. "T-to find true love?"

"Wrong!" Haruki shouted and Asahina flinched in fear. "All acts of manliness are based around one goal! To pick up chicks!"

I applied my palm to my face. To the crowd of people now staring at us because of Haruki's lack of volume control, I apologize, but there is nothing I can do.

"So with that, let's go pick up some babes!"

"...Have fun with that." I turned away and sighed.

I couldn't see his expression but I could feel a hard glare in my direction and some hesitation in my heart. I was confused. Didn't I still like girls? I mean, shouldn't I? But then I had all those weird feelings looking at Haruki's bare chest just minutes ago and my feelings for Asahina staying firm. But if I liked girls in this world, wouldn't I be a lesbian? But to be attracted to guys... I had to make a choice and I had to make it now.

So I chose not to think about it. Instead I turned my head back to watch his face flip through several emotions before he turned his head to the side with reddened cheeks. I was too tired to try and analyze what that meant, so I decided to just enjoy the irritating feeling of sand getting under my swimsuit.

"F-Fine, I suppose it's okay if you just watch and understand how it's done. Come on, Mitsuuru. You're going to be my wingman."

"Eh? Me? Ehhhh?!" Haruki quickly grabbed the arm of the bikini-clad angel and dragged him off towards a large crowd of people. Poor guy. I'll pray for your safe return.

"Well, that was certainly interesting." That would be Koizumi's voice. Great. I just stared out at the ocean, unwilling to even look at her annoying smile. But she apparently didn't notice my annoyance or didn't care. Either way, I heard her sit down next to me.

"This certainly puts a new light on our situation. I'd say Suzumiya is acting quite unusual."

"Haruki _always_ acts unusual."

I couldn't see it, and I can't explain it, but I could feel Koizumi's expression get even more annoying. I decided to try and ignore her as much as I could, and tried to fix my ponytail instead, as Haruki screwed it up.

"Perhaps, but I'd say Suzumiya is acting unusual even for himself. He's never been one for relationships, always viewing them as wastes of time, in his own words. And now I see he's out trying to court some young women?"

Okay, I couldn't ignore her. I tried to look away. On the opposite side of me, Tsuruya was setting up a beach umbrella. Nagato was already underneath it, reading a book. Both were wearing nothing but swim trunks. The sight of their naked chests, so fit, with tight abs and... okay, enough of that. Let's go back to looking at the ocean.

"It seems... out of character, I'd say."

"Didn't he just say it was part of this stupid 'manliness' training?"

"Ah, yes. Well, perhaps it is. I certainly cannot deny the possibility. But what if there were another reason for Haruki to desire to be 'manly?' Does it not seem strange that Suzumiya Haruhi would be transferred into the body of a male and still he desires to be more masculine? Coincidence?"

Like hell I'd know. If anyone can figure out Haruhi's thought patterns, they deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize instantly.

"...Kyonko, may I ask you a question?"

"I have the feeling you'd ask whether or not I agreed."

"Not at all. It's quite optional."

Argh. Now if I refuse, I just look like a jerk. "All right, fine."

"How do you feel about Haruki? Not just as a person, but as a man."

"Huh?" I finally gave in and looked at. Koizumi. She wasn't looking back, but actually staring out at the ocean. And... whoa. She was also wearing a bikini. And all that flesh. And that cleavage. Argh! I couldn't take my eyes off of it! Dammit, it's so unfair! Wait, shouldn't I be more concerned with how she's willingly wearing that in public? Or are you doing this just to torture me? Damn you!

"Well, what I'm asking is have you felt any sort of attraction to Haruki?"

My face finally pulled itself away from the breasts contained in Koizumi's white, gorgeous swimwear and managed to look her in the face before I felt my face turn totally red.

"O-Of course I haven't. I... I like girls."

"Ah, I see. I simply thought... well, physical attraction is largely based on hormones, a physical component of the body, so as I've stated, it would be a little abnormal to not have some attraction to males."

"...Maybe... maybe a... a little." I could barely whisper it. My face was burning up.

Koizumi giggled. "That's what I thought. I saw how you reacted to Asahina. And then when Haruki took his shirt off."

Damn Koizumi's eyes.

"Now now, it's okay. I was just surprised. You see, you don't normally show much emotion no matter what."

Says the girl whose face never changes from a stupid, fake smile. If anything, you've gotten better at hiding your feelings, not that I cared then or now.

"But now, I can sort of read your thoughts, at least a little. I could see how embarrassed you got when you got complimented on your swimsuit. It was quite charming, really. And Haruki noticed it as well."

I didn't like where this was headed. I usually didn't.

"I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something. Just spit it out."

"Well, suppose, just theoretically, given his odd behavior, what if Haruki was going about all this 'manliness' training because he was trying to impress someone?"

"What the—are you serious?" I snorted. "Who? That flock of girls?" I lifted my hand to point at a group of girls further down the shore. They were encircling Haruki and Asahina, and seemed enamored by his boisterous and confident ways. No, wait, some of them seem to be staring intently at Asahina. Well, I suppose I can't fault their tastes, but I was somewhat annoyed that other girls got to enjoy the sight of him.

"No, no." Koizumi sighed. "Those girls are merely a means to an end." She rested her head on her palm and smiled. For once, it seemed like a genuine smile. At least, it didn't annoy me to the core. "Haruki is flirting with those girls because it's his preconceived notion of his that flirting with and, if I may borrow his language, 'picking up chicks' is a requirement for being a man."

I sighed. "Well, what girl would possibly be impressed by that? If anything, it'd only make her agitated and jealous."

"Of course, in reality, normal relationships don't work that way. But Haruki's actions do not always reflect the thought patterns of the average person."

You don't need to remind me of that.

"I offer my condolences to whoever Haruki is trying to attract, if that's the case."

Suddenly, Koizumi bursts out into a fit of giggling. What the hell is so damn funny?

"Oh, it's nothing." Despite that, she continues to giggle to herself, breaking out into full laughter for a brief moment. "I was just thinking that it feels like we've had this conversation before. Ah, well... Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go confirm a few things."

With that said, Koizumi got to her feet and walked off back towards the house, leaving me alone on the hot sand. I don't know why, but the way she ended our conversation pissed me off even more. I let my anger go and sighed as I looked around. There was Nagato, sitting under the beach umbrella reading some novel that was thicker than some encyclopedias. Tsuruya was by the shore, building a sandcastle with a couple of small children he befriended. Asahina was--

"Help! Help me!"

--In deep trouble, apparently. I sprung to my feet and dashed in the direction of my angel's screams. Don't worry, I'll protect you from anything!

Of course, if it was Haruki, there was little I could actually do to help him, but it felt better than telling myself that I'd just stare in jealousy as he got publicly molested.

I stopped abruptly as I came across the scene of the _emergency._ Asahina was being smothered to death. Mostly by a gaggle of overly enthusiastic women who couldn't keep their hands to themselves. They were hugging, rubbing, squeezing, pulling, squealing, and cooing over the effeminate boy.

Haruki was standing beside me, his hands on his hips and a smile so bright it rivaled the blazing sun overhead.

"He's a natural!" he proclaimed in a prideful tone. "I'll make a man of this boy yet!" Haruki pounded his fist against his chest and beamed even more.

Was I irritated by his lack of compassion for the kind boy being smothered in women, or was I irritated that I wasn't one of those women?

"Say, Haruki..." He was here, so I figured I might as well try and figure something out.

"Hmm?"

"What's so important about being 'manly?' Why all the training? Do you have to--"

"Of course! It's extremely important!" Haruki gazed at me with a look of absolute faith. "You may not get it because it's a guy thing. But it's utterly essential."

You're right. I don't get it. But it's not because I was currently a girl. I'm pretty sure it's because you are insane.

"Hmmm?" Haruhi's smile turned into a mischievous smirk. The kind of smile you'd expect to see on a fox after a chicken comes to ask for directions. "Something the matter? Ah, I get it. You were getting lonely, huh? Jealous of all the attention I was giving to Asahina?"

Haruki stepped behind me. A sharp, cold feeling ran up my spine, followed immediately by a smooth, warm feeling of a large hand running down my spine before it firmly grabbed my ass.

Smack!

My palm print was firmly left on Haruki's still smirking face as I stormed off.. I just wanted to go find a hole to dig myself into and spend the rest of my life there. Maybe I could become a hermit and move to Siberia. Anything to get me away from him.

I found an empty table with an umbrella for shade and took a seat before dropping my face on its surface. That was humiliating, degrading, and above all, it wasn't enjoyable. Or at least, I kept telling myself that as my heart raced.

Clink. I heard the sound of something hitting the table I was sitting at, but I didn't bother to lift my head.

"Boyfriend trouble?" A young man's voice asked.

"...Not exactly."

"Ah, just a friend, then?"

"More like a slave driver or an executioner."

"Ah."

The conversation with the unknown boy who'd I'd yet to even look at died right then and there. At least for the moment. I listened to the clamor of the crowds, the crashing of the waves, and the cries of the birds overhead, anything to get my mind off of Haruki and my heart to slow down. But eventually, the boy spoke up again.

"You know, I don't think your friend there meant to do anything wrong."

I guess he was waiting for a reaction. I didn't give him one.

"He obviously likes you, he just doesn't want to say it directly."

I'll believe that when I see it. You don't drag people you like away by their hair, you don't force them into humiliating swimsuits, and you don't I doubt any court of law would accept 'I only did it because I like her' as an acceptable excuse for sexual harassment. Come to think of it, would a restraining order work? Nah. It's not like Haruhi ever considered the legality of her actions before and I doubt Haruki would be any different.

"Ha ha. Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your private affairs. Let me start over by introducing myself. My name is Morinozuka Youji. I wanted to thank you."

"Is that so? Thank me for what?"

"I, and the rest of my organization, wanted to thank you for preventing so many crises involving your friend Suzumiya."

I finally lifted my head off the table and looked at the boy I'd been conversing with. A short, slim boy, probably about my age, with a messy head of short black hair and round glasses that sat on his almost child-like face. Cute, perhaps, but I'll stick with Asahina. Besides, from his words, I knew one thing. This boy was trouble.

"What... what did you say?"

Rather than repeating himself, he lifted his canteen to his lips and took a quick sip.

"I'm sorry, how terribly rude of me. Would you care for a drink?"

"Uh, no thanks."

"Are you sure? It's vitamin water. Very refreshing on a hot day."

"Still, I'll pass." Somehow, accepting a drink from a strange boy who may know something about Haruki didn't seem high on the list of bright ideas.

"In any case, I'll try not to bore you with the details, then." He set down his glass and gave me a cheerful smile. "I belong to a group, one of many. As you may suspect, our interest is in the one you call Suzumiya."

Hey, Haruki, you've got another weirdo fanboy. Don't you feel lucky?

"So, what? You think Haruki is some kind of God, too?" If so, maybe I should start a cult. It would at least earn me some money. My wallet may sit in a skirt pocket these days, but it was as thin as ever.

"No, nothing like that," Youji said as he pushed his glasses back up to the bridge of his nose. "But you're probably wondering what my interest in Suzumiya is."

"Not really." I sighed.

Youji stared at me for a moment before he started to smile. It wasn't a sinister smile, but one of true amusement. "I see. Well, nonetheless, I'd at least like you to listen to my story, as I need your help."

"My help? To do what, specifically?" I didn't like this one bit.

"Put simply, this world is in danger. Not just this world, actually. Every world. And I believe you are the only one who can save it."

"Now I know you're lying. If you needed help to 'save the world,' why approach me? Of all the people who know about Haruki, why me? I don't have any powers. I can't travel through time. I can't do anything special at all. I'm just a bystander who happened to get caught in the middle. If you really needed help, you'd ask for someone who can actually do something of importance."

"Ah, but my dear..."

Please don't call me that. It's just weird.

"You do have something of great value. There is something you alone can do. You can control Suzumiya and his powers. You can influence him. It is the same in every world I have touched. One voice is heard by Suzumiya and is the only one he considers with great interest. Your voice."

Are we talking about the same Suzumiya Haruki? When he was a girl, I was dragged everywhere by my tie. I even had my head smashed into Haruhi's desk several times. In this world, I'm pulled by my ponytail or unceremoniously tossed over his shoulder like a sack of vegetables. My objections to his plans end with him shooting them down if he acknowledges them at all. What part of this suggests I have influence over him? He's a tidal wave and I'm just a ship caught up in it.

"Let me explain. There are many, many dimensions. None are exactly the same. And they all exist separately, unable to interact. Until several years ago. Suzumiya has the power to tap into other worlds. The implications of this are complicated and dangerous."

Youji's smile vanished and instead his features slowly twisted into a sullen look.

"He is a danger to any universe he is in. He can create anything. He can destroy anything. All the while seemingly without obeying the laws of conservation of mass and energy. I, and the members of our organization, believe this possible because Suzumiya can draw power from other worlds. We have seen the effects of this first hand. As have you. Your current form is the result of one such experiment."

I liked this conversation, and the boy I was speaking to, less and less with each word. Still, I knew he had a point. Haruki, in any form, was dangerous. But was Youji now admitting he's the reason I was a girl?

"It was a simple test, really," Youji explained after he took another sip from his canteen. "We took two worlds. Two very similar worlds. All I did was present Suzumiya Haruhi with information. Similarly, a counterpart of mine presented some other information to Suzumiya Haruki. The results were as expected. The two worlds became linked together, with each Suzumiya at the center of that connection. Data was pulled through that connection. Do you know what it was?"

I knew where he was going with this, but I wasn't in much of a mood to answer.

"What was it?"

"Your consciousness. As well as that of Suzumiya and those she held close. All were transferred from one world to the other."

"Yeah, I figured that." I drooped my head and sighed again. This is the same story I'd already heard a hundred times. How it happened doesn't matter.

"Morinozuka, tell me this. I don't care how we switched bodies with some alternate doppelganger in an alternate world. All I care about is how to reverse it and bring things back to normal."

He shook his head before telling me what I didn't want to hear.

"I'm afraid that it is not a reversible process."

It felt like a sword had just pierced my chest. It wasn't reversible. Those words echoed in my head. I was going to be stuck as a girl forever.

"...Or at least, it might be. But, if you help me, I may be able to fix it."

Dammit, then don't say it can't be fixed! For once in my life, I missed talking to Koizumi. At least she would answer my questions when asked, even if it was in a roundabout fashion. This guy just seemed like he was being purposely vague.

"...Fine. Just tell me what you want me to do."

"Very well. All I need you to do is undo what you did several years ago."

My exasperation was actually audible.

"...Did you not hear me when I said that I lacked the ability to travel through time?"

"I heard you," Youji said with a nod. "But you know someone who can."

"But... Asah—I mean, I do, but he said that time travel was cut off right now."

"Yes, that is true. And I know of the conversation you had with Asahina Mitsuuru."

Oh great. So not only was this guy a freak and probably some sort of cultist trying to, basically, blackmail me into helping him, but he's also a stalker. If he tells me he's even seen me changing, he's going to regret it.

"And he's partially correct," he continued. "Asahina was cut off from his superiors in the future. True. But the past is another matter."

"Even if that's true, Asahina would never agree to take us to the past in order to alter it."

Youji shook his head. "I'm aware of that. That's why I'm not asking you to ask her on my behalf. As I said, this is something only you can do. I want you to take his time travel device from him by any means necessary and bring it to me. I have the means to use it properly to take us back to an hour before Suzumiya's powers awakened. Convince the younger Suzumiya Haruki to stop his plans. Meanwhile, your counterpart in your original world will be doing the same to Suzumiya Haruhi. Neither of them will ever develop their powers. As a result, these events will never happen and you should return to your world in your body. But there will be no SOS Brigade, no supernatural phenomenon, and no danger anymore. Things will be perfect."

I was stunned. If there were a mirror for me to look into, I bet I'd see the dumbest look ever on my face. I must have misheard him. I must have. But I knew I didn't. I was listening too closely to have misheard him. So there was only one thing I could do, as soon as I had my wits about me.

I took a deep breath. I had to say this now or it would eat at me forever.

"No. I refuse. Go ask someone else for help."

Youji's face was dripping with shock. I suppose when one puts out a dramatic speech as he just had, one assumes that no one could disagree.

"What? But I already told you, no one else can! Don't you realize how much danger that boy has put us all in?"

"The danger _he_ put us in? You're the ones who made him do this! Not only that, but you've said yourself that we've done a good job keeping him under control."

"Yes, but that can't last forever!"

"Maybe, but do you have any guarantee that changing the past would even make things normal again? If Asahina would be against it, so would I. Not to mention that I would never, ever lay a hand on him! You're asking me to essentially betray and steal from my friends to help some strange guy who just walked up to me on the beach! Sorry, but I don't trust you. We'll solve this on our own."

Having said that, I stood up, preparing to walk away, but as I did, my left wrist was pulled back. Youji grabbed my arm and wasn't letting me go.

"You can't go! If you don't help me, this world is doomed!"

You know, maybe he was right, but I couldn't take his attitude any longer. I didn't care. Nagato, Koizumi, and Asahina had all placed their trust in me. To steal from one of them, to go against their wills, and to trust some strange boy with a habit of making dramatic speeches and tampering with dimensions... I couldn't. I would never betray that trust.

"Let go of me, you jerk! I don't want anything to do with your plans!"

I pulled and pulled in vain. He was stronger. I used my free arm to try and loosen his grip, but his free hand just grabbed mine and thus I was trapped. I started to panic. Fortunately, a crowd started to gather. Even he wouldn't do something with so many onlookers, right?

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to have to do this," Youji said with a determined look in his eyes. "I really didn't. But I see now that you won't listen to reason."

In one swift motion, Youji let go of one of left arm, but twisted my right so that I could not retaliate. The crowd around us began to get into an uproar. However, when several men moved in to help me, they stopped dead in their tracks when Youji pulled out a handgun.

Shit! This guy _is_ nuts!

"All right, nobody move!" Youji declared out loud. "I'm leaving, she's coming with me, and--"

The gun was gone. In the blink of an eye, a large, menacing shadow appeared behind the boy. Nagato!

With speed and precision, Nagato began to disassemble the handgun, piece by piece. In less than half a second, it was no longer a weapon but a pile of mechanical junk lying in the sand.

"You!" He seemed to be in utter disbelief. "But you shouldn't have been able--"

Crack.

I didn't actually see the blow, only its aftermath. As I felt my right hand become free, I saw Youji fall to the ground with a slight trail of blood in the air. Another mammoth figure was before him. Haruki.

"Who the hell do you think you are? What right do you have to touch a member of _my _brigade? On whose authority were you allowed to threaten this girl with a weapon? What kind of cowardly fool are you?"

"H-Haruki, you..." I looked down. Youji was wiping a trickle of blood from his lips.

Another figure, though much smaller than the other two, stood between me and the bleeding boy on the ground.

"Th-that's right! You... You can't h-hurt Kyonko! I... I won't l-let you!" Asahina stuttered. His whole body was visibly trembling, but he stood tall. Well, as tall as he could, anyway, acting as a shield between us.

"Fine, it seems today's mission was a failure," Youji said standing up. "Then it seems I'll have to take my leave. I only hope you see the light before it's too late."

Youji struggled to get up, ending up on all fours.

"Oh no, I'm not letting you go, you bastard." Haruki reached to grab the arm of the boy as he stood up, but Youji took a handful of sand with the other hand and threw it in Haruki's face. In an instant, the boy was on his feet and dashing away. He was fast. But we had someone faster.

"Yuuki, go!" Haruki fell to his knees, coughing and struggling to get the sand out of his eyes and mouth.

Nagato gave a single nod before turning to where Youji had run off to and, well, I'd say he ran after him, but 'teleported' seems to be a better way of putting it. To all the people who saw him take off, would you believe me if I said it was just an adrenaline rush?

Speaking of adrenaline rushes, mine seemed to have worn off and I was left kneeling on the hot sand, feeling my heart's attempts to jump through my chest. Wait, I was just assaulted, wasn't I? And he had a gun. Well, at least he didn't stab me. I've had enough of that, thank you.

A hand came to my shoulder. I looked up to see Haruki looking down on me. Some tears stained his cheeks as a result of the sand, but his expression was more solemn. Without a word, he placed a hand on my back, an arm under my legs, and lifted me into the air. I wrapped one arm around his neck and buried my face into his chest. I was so relieved to see him. He just saved me. Who knows what that psycho wanted me to do. Maybe it was all a lie. Or maybe he'd have brainwashed me or cloned me. At this point, I'm willing to believe anything. But it didn't matter now, because Haruki saved me.

And I didn't want him to see that look of gratitude, of comfort on my face. It was too embarrassing. God, just thinking about how I felt is humiliating.

A pair of gentle hands took my left hand and held it. I turned to look at Asahina's face, which, like Haruki's, was also covered in tears but I'd say for an entirely different reason.

And so we walked like that back to Tsuruya's place.

Nagato later told me that that boy, Morinozuka Youji, was indeed an agent for the Multidimensional Microbial Collective. Nagato caught him with ease, but the boy merely opened a rift in something called the spacial data plane, whatever that is, and escaped. But there was no doubt as to his identity.

The police would be called and I would give them my slightly altered testimony. In a rare display of useful, straightforward advice, Koizumi helped me fabricate a conversation in which Youji hit on me, I rejected him, and he didn't take it well.

Asahina would prepare me the most delicious tea I'd ever had, and helped the chefs prepare a meal that I swear was too good even for the angels.

I'd take a long, hot bath, spending the time wondering what to do next. This was getting serious. After my refusal to help, the Multidimensional Microbial Collective would certainly take more drastic measures. I had to act and it had to be soon.

But none of that mattered at that moment. I simply took a primal pleasure from the comfort and safety of Haruki's arms and Asahina's affection as we walked back to our temporary retreat in silence.

To be continued.


	7. Self Defense

Hiya. It's been too long, hasn't it? Well, here we are at the final countdown. The next chapter should, likely, be the last. And to make up for the timeliness (or lack thereof) with my updates, this chapter is about twice as long.

With school starting up and work eating up almost all my non-school time, writing has gotten fairly difficult, but let me assure you I intend to finish this story even if it kills me. Hopefully within the next month.

...Err... finishing the story, I mean. Not killing myself. That I'll put off until after I'm done.

As always, thanks for the reviews and the comments. It makes writing worthwhile.

* * *

I want to say that life as a girl has been, so far, a complicated experience. Aside from the physical changes to my body, I was also dealing with parallel dimensions, public humiliation, groping, strange attractions, and assaults with a deadly weapon. This day in particular had been truly traumatizing. After dealing with the police, having dinner and my bath, I went straight to bed.

My room was a rather immense western style room with a large canopy bed catching my eye as soon as I entered. I threw on a nightgown and rushed into bed as fast as my weary, traumatized body would let me.

Oh, and before I forget, please let me wake up to my semi-normal world. I've been through a lot lately, and the last thing I needed was some new, even more bizarre circumstance to wake to. I've had bad luck with waking up to find the world drastically changed ever since I met Haruhi. Like once waking up inside the school alongside her right before the world was to be destroyed and remade. Then there was the time I woke up to find the world remade, where Haruhi never came to North High. Most recently, I woke up to find my manhood had become my womanhood, and I was becoming disturbingly comfortable with it.

You may remember that last one well.

Anyway, as you may have guessed, I probably wouldn't have mentioned that little wish had it come true, and I woke up in my bed with everything perfectly fine. Or as fine as can be when your mind has been transplanted in the body of a female version of yourself in another world. So when I first opened my eyes on that fateful morning, I knew something was wrong. Let's count the signs, shall we?

First of all, I did not go to sleep in the middle of a hallway. I was tired last night, most definitely. But I distinctly remember having the energy and strength to at least haul my thankfully-no-longer-bikini-clad-ass into bed. The fact that I was wearing a nightgown attested to the fact that I made it to my room.

Secondly, the world around me had a strange, unearthly glow to it. The air itself seemed to have a blueish hue to it. Unless I'd gone colorblind overnight or Tsuruya had some work done overnight, I was sure the walls and carpeting had a dark-red theme.

Actually, the third thing I noticed was the lack of anything in the hallway. No futniture, no potted plants, no portraits on the walls, no chandeliers, no anything at all.

So unless Tsuruya randomly decided to redecorate overnight and dump me in the hall in the process, I wasn't in the summer home.

Great. Just great. I had no idea where I was or what was going on. Come to think of it, the atmosphere felt similar to the time I ended up in the school's enclosed space with Haruhi. The fact that Haruhi, or at least her current form, was not here meant that this probably wasn't another end-of-the-world scenario. Or at least not because of Haruhi's doings. Now there's a pleasant thought. I spend a year of my life saving the world from Haruhi's mad escapades only to have it destroyed by some other means.

Well, let's not jump to any conclusions. Maybe it really is just a dream. Let's run a few checks.

I pinched my cheeks. Yup. It still hurt.

_Sigh._

Okay, okay. So this isn't a dream.

I figured I might as well see if there was a way out and checked the nearest door. Locked. I tried the next door down. Locked. Locked, locked, locked, locked, and locked. Every door in the damned place was locked. So I'm not just lost, but trapped, too.

All I could do was just go back to lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. What else was I supposed to do?

I looked down at my white nightgown. Was I really this comfortable wearing a girl's clothes? It'd only been two days. Did this mean my gender was never really a big deal to me? Was I merely adaptable?

_Slam_

As I pondered just how much of my old self remained, I heard a sound come from further down the hall, like someone had dropped a heavy book to the floor. Nagato? No, wait. There's no way he'd be so uncoordinated as to actually drop a book.

I got to my feet and walked down the path, which was strangely visible, given the fact that there were no lights and no windows.

_Slam_

The noise came again, louder this time as I approached.

_Slam_

A door budged further down the hallway. Unlike all the other doors, a key was stuck in this one.

_Slam_

The door budged out momentarily. I suddenly knew what that sound was. Someone on the other side was ramming it, trying to get it open.

"H-hello? Who's there?"

_Slam_

No answer.

"Can you hear me?"

_Slam_

Now, let's review. I'm trapped in some weird world, plucked from my bed, with only a nightgown on, I have no idea how to get back, and a stranger is banging on a door, trying to get in. He's not responding, and I have no way to tell who it is. Basically, anyone with a sense of self-preservation would immediately tell you to look for something to barricade the door with and to hide. If this were a game from a certain fantasy RPG series, there would undoubtedly be an ambush battle, maybe even a boss battle, on the other side of the door.

So I unlocked it. I was tired, cranky, and impatient. Just get it out of the way.

Speaking of getting out of the way, I didn't. Because after I unlocked the door, it flew open, smacked me in the chest, and threw me to the ground. If that weren't bad enough, before I could even coordinate myself, something, or someone, fell on top of me.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow..." As I sat back up, I found an outstretched hand waiting for me.

"You okay?"

Wait a second, that voice is so familiar. As I took the hand before me and got to my feet, it became apparent why. My jaw must have hit the floor, because the man standing before me, clad in only a gray pair of pajama bottoms... was me!

Judging by his reaction, he was thinking the same thing as me. Which, when you think about it, would be pretty likely in just about any situation.

"My body!" we both said in unison.

A couple of questions came to mind, but with every one, an answer popped into my head just as quickly.

What was he doing here? Probably the same thing as me, as soon as I figure out what that is.

How'd he get here? The same way as me, I'd bet.

He must have realized that we both knew nothing of what was going on, too, as we both remained in an awkward silence, just staring at, well, each other. Or was it ourselves? Dammit, I need to learn a language that can more easily describe situations like this.

We both sighed and applied our palms to our faces.

"Great," we said together.

"Just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated," he said.

"Tell me about it," I replied.

There was a long, awkward pause as I looked away. What do you talk about to someone who is also you?

"So, uhh, Kyon... or is it Kyonko? What do I call you?" he asked me.

"If you don't know, how should I?"

"Ugh, yeah, I figured."

"Besides, we both hate that stupid nickname."

"Too true." My alternate-self nodded in agreement.

"So let's skip the formalities. We're the only two here, and we're really the same. Does it matter what we call each other?"

"I suppose not."

Running a hand through my messy bed-head to keep it out of my face, a question finallys springs to my head.

"So, uh, did Haruhi make you, or anyone else, do anything... embarrassing? Like some weird punishment? Weirder than usual, I mean."

"Nah. I was the last to arrive to the train station, so I had to pay for everyone's snacks for the ride over, but I've gotten used to that. Haruki forced me to do that all the time. "

"Oh... I see..." Well, at least that means Haruki's insane bikini-escapades didn't carry over into my world. The idea of my male body, exposed in public like that... I won't picture it, I won't picture it, I won't pictu—Dammit, I pictured it. But at least that disturbing imagery is only in my head.

"Hey, wait... you wouldn't ask that unless..." My personal-double took me by my shoulders and looked me dead in the eyes. "What did Haruki do to you? If you asked that, it's because you thought something embarrassing happened in your world, which means something terrible happened in mine!"

Damn, I was hoping he wouldn't be that perceptive.

"Tell me what happened!" He demanded.

"Well, you see..." I could feel the sweat forming on my face as it reddened. "I kinda went through the same thing except instead of paying for snacks the loser had to—you know, the loser..."

As I continued I witnessed his face tightened in anticipation. The fact that I was looking at my own face either had yet to truly sink in or my ability to accept weird situations had increased once more. I hope it's the former.

"The loser... wore... a bikini all day."

I think I heard something snap or crash as I watched 'Kyon' fall to his knees.

"...A bikini... me... in public... I'll never be able to show my face again..."

"Well, at least you didn't have to actually wear it... and get groped."

"You got _groped_?!"

"Err... yeah. Haruki grabbed my butt and--."

'Kyon' then landed face first on the ground, unmoving. Suddenly I wasn't sure who was supposed to be more embarrassed. It's like telling someone that you survived a horrible car accident but while driving their car.

I kneeled down beside the poor girl-in-a-boy's-body and patted him on the head.

"Come on, it's not that bad."

"Just let me mourn the loss of my feminine pride in peace," he said, partially muffled by the carpet.

"Well, it's not like I suffered alone. Asahina also had to spend the day in a bikini, with girls fawning over--"

Before I could finish my sentence, 'Kyon' was on his feet, holding my hand.

"Are there... pictures?" he asked.

"...Haruki took a bunch."

"That's good enough for me. I'll find them, somehow." With renewed determination, he started down the hallway. "Come on, let's find whatever it is we're supposed to find here."

I watched him walk off with a sigh. Was I really that pathetic?

We continued down the hall to find it nearly endless path of featureless doors. What was this place? Then we reached the end of the hall, and the more pressing matter became _where_ was this place?

A grand, circular balcony with large, gold railings was surrounded by a wall of spherical glass. It was like being trapped in a giant fishbowl. But more astounding than this strange architecture was the view. Outside the glass was a breathtaking view of the stars. But more attention grabbing than this was the giant pair of glowing... things... that floated outside. They resembled two small lavender suns. What the hell were we looking at?

"Those, my friends, are your dimensions."

Oh dammit. I recognize that voice. It was pretty much the last voice I wanted to hear at that moment.

"Youji."

"We meet again, my dear."

He stood at the entrance to the room, holding some sort of remote in his hand. He hit something on that controller and a metal gate closed off our only means of escape.

This night just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Maybe next we'll run into a reincarnated Asakura!

"I'll cut to the chase," Youji began. "I summoned the two of you hear after our encounters because I'm going to give you one last chance to do the right thing."

"What, you think asking us a second time will make us change our minds?" Kyon said before I could open my mouth. So, he was also attacked by this prick. But he was right.

"Took the words straight from my mouth. You want us to steal the TPDD Asahina uses. We would never hurt or steal from such an angel, no matter what!"

"Yes, I didn't think you'd change your stubborn ways overnight. The situation is about to change, and I wanted you to witness it firsthand." He lifted his hand to point out the windows. "You," he added while pointing at me, "you used to belong to the sphere on the left. That is the world you knew." He moved his hand towards 'Kyon' and added, "Naturally, that means you belonged to the other, the world on the right."

As he stepped closer, we each stepped aside, but he didn't draw a weapon on us as we thought. Instead, he just leaned over the railing, staring at what we presumed were stars.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

It'd be a lot more beautiful if you hadn't kidnapped us to get here. That tends to ruin the mood.

"Every dot in the sky is a dimension. A world that may be similar to your own, completely different, and every point in-between."

'Kyon' crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. Man, it's weird to watch your own reactions.

"I get the feeling you didn't call us here just so you could wax poetic."

"No, I invited you here for something important."

Invited? Oh, is that what they call kidnapping these days? Remind me to update my personal dictionary.

"And what could be so important you dragged us across dimensions to see?" I asked.

"Just watch. The show's about to begin."

So we watched. We both kept the jerk within the edge of our vision, just in case. Once someone pulls a gun on you, you tend to develop problems trusting them. But that attention was quickly drawn away when a thundrous explosion rocked us right off our feet. We stumbled back, holding the railing to stabilize ourselves, only to find ourselves with a rather bizarre sight. The 'lavender suns' were beginning to distort. They bended at the middle, like they were pulling at each other.

Considering those were supposed to be our worlds, I'm sure this was certainly not a good thing.

"What the hell?" 'Kyon' exclaimed. "What are they doing?"

"Let me explain," began Youji. "We are aboard a ship that is traveling in a world between dimensions. As I have noted, every light you see on the horizon is not a star, but a dimension in itself. But like stars, dimensions are extremely massive and though they appear close in view, there is a tremendous distance between them. Traveling between them, or even reaching the space to do so, requires technology far beyond humans, and, until recently, was even beyond the perceptions of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

'Kyon' interrupted, adding "Oh? If the data-based alien... things couldn't even sense this place, how can _you_ travel here?"

"Simple. The higher levels of my affiliation have the power to tap into these worlds, to deconstruct and reconstruct matter and energy perfectly at a subatmoic level. You see, all it takes is--"

"Hold it." I saw where this was going, and I needed to act preemptively. "I just realized something."

"And what might that be?"

"I realized I really, really don't care how you do it. You do it, we're here. Just get to the point."

"...Very well." Youji looked almost... disappointed. If I weren't tired, angry, and impatient, I might have almost felt sorry for him. "No two dimensions should ever come as close together as these two have. As I have said, they are extremely massive. They are pulling on each other, drawing closer and closer. If it weren't for your alien friends erecting that data barrier, the two worlds would have already merged together."

"And if that had happened...?" What, would things have been fully switched? Would people fuse together?

"I don't know."

"Huh?" 'Kyon' and I both seemed surprised.

"I said I don't know what would have happened. Nothing good, I'd wager, but the specifics are beyond me."

"How is that possible? Don't you work for that... that... Microbial... dimension thingy?"

"I do, but even they, in all their power, cannot move an entire dimension. Never before have two dimensions collided. We've never had a crisis like this before."

"But you can fix it, right? I mean, you're the one who started all this by talking to Haruhi!" Come to think of it, that's what he said, right? There was a test. Something about taking two versions of Haruhi and making them desire the other's world. That's what started this whole mess.

"I admit I share some of the blame in this," Youji conceded. "But it was a necessary test. We needed to determine if Suzumiya was capable of affecting dimensional change. And the results were far beyond what we could ever fathom. Suzumiya is dangerous. A being of such immense power must not be allowed to exist. That is why I approached you both. I tried to reason with you. I tried force. Now I am offering you one last chance. Join with me. Take the two Asahinas' TPDDs. With them, we can open a portal to the time when Suzumiya gained the power to alter the universe itself. We can stop the ritual that started everything. You can all go back to your normal bodies. Your normal lives. None of this would ever have to happen."

A few thoughts passed through my head. For a brief moment, I thought he had a point. It was true, after all, that Haruhi was dangerous. More than anyone in the world, I could attest to that. The world would definitely sleep more soundly if it knew Haruhi couldn't erase it on a whim. And it would likely get me back to being the same, normal boy.

But this thought was brief. As I also recalled the time that this was true. A world without a powerful Haruhi. A world where we were all normal school kids, going to normal schools, doing normal things.

And I rejected it.

It was a pain in the ass fighting Haruhi every step of the way. She's crazy, irresponsible, obnoxious, impulsive, and violent. But if it weren't for her, I would never have met Asahina, my perfect, unbelievable beauty for whom I would cross a thousand mountains just to gaze upon for but a moment.

I'd never have had the chance to beat Koizumi at about a hundred different board games in the club room. I'd never have to put up with his endless rants on philosophy and metaphysical matters, but I'll admit I'd kinda miss him. A little.

And Nagato. The most dependable person I've ever met. She's saved my skin more times than I care to remember. Quiet, but cute in her own way, how could I ever turn my back on her? If I erased our past, would she exist as a normal girl, or would she simply cease to exist? How could I leave something like that to chance?

So, I had two options before me. One was to accept the path with the least danger for the world as a whole. But to do so, I'd have to turn my back on the only people I could truly call my friends. Or I could leave the world at the mercy of Haruhi's continued moodswings and a dimensional crisis just to have a chance of staying with my friends.

I think the choice is obvious. And since 'Kyon' is also me, he's no doubt reached the same conclusion. So we nodded to one another and announced our decision simultaneously.

"Screw the world!"

"I see," said Youji with an almost apathetic tone. "I figured you'd say that. But, I figured I'd do the gentlemanly thing and make you one last offer."

Pardon me if I never think of you as gentlemanly, what with the whole attempted kidnapping at gunpoint thing.

"Very well, I will send you two back to your worlds, where you will both find yourselves asleep in bed, safe and sound. But know this," Youji shifted his glasses. "The next time we meet, and it will be soon, the offer will be closed. We will do as we deem necessary. Any interference in our primary objectives will be dealt with as the situation warrants. And with that, I bid you farewell."

With the click of his remote, the room began to get brighter and brighter. It was strange, but it felt like my consciousness was slowly slipping away.

"Hey... Kyonko..."

"Hmmm?" I could still hear 'Kyon,' my other self, speaking to me.

"Take... take good care of Haruki for me. I mean, it's not really him, I know. It's just his body... I know inside of him is someone else, Haruhi, but still, it is a part of him and... You know, nevermind."

'Kyon' faced away from me for some reason. I really didn't get what he was saying, which felt quite odd. Weren't we the same? Shouldn't I always know what he was thinking? Ah, well. I guess it doesn't matter.

"Yeah, sure. So, uh, take good care of Haruhi. For me. Though I'm sure she can handle herself."

"...Yeah. I will."

And with that, I found myself back in bed. I sat up and looked out the window. 6'oclock in the morning. The sun was up, but I just didn't have the energy to greet it.

"Ugh, so tired..."

I don't care what time it was, I spent the night wandering around some weird, alternate world or ship or something and the day would have to wait for me before it could officially start as far as I was concerned. I put my head down on my pillow, rolled over, and wrapped my arms around the warm, naked torso of Haruki, who was sleeping soundly right beside me.

Wait, what was that last part?

I had a difficult time peeling my eyes off of his chiseled chest. For the sake of preserving my sanity and dignity, I'm going to say this was because of shock, not out of lust or anything else so ludicrous. So don't read into that. But, when I did manage to peel my eyes away, and wiped away the drool which had accumulated, also likely out of shock, I noticed that I, too, seemed to be missing some of my attire. Namely, all of it.

I shrieked, which is something I never thought I'd ever have to say, and grabbed the sheet to preserve the shattered shreds of what was once my decency. This didn't work too well as it merely removed the covers preserving Haruki's. I shrieked again and threw the sheet over my head.

At this point my thought process became somewhat muddled. Mostly involving repeating the phrase "This can't be happening" about a hundred times a second. Because, let's face it, there's really only one thing you can suspect given a situation like this, but I would never, ever end up being like that with Haruki, right?

"Well, you're energetic this morning," said Haruki as he wrapped his thick, muscle-covered arms around me.

"Wah! Haruki... you... what are... Oh God, please, just put your clothes on!"

He pulled the covers from my head to reveal an honest smile so cute, my heart nearly stopped. Oh god, this is so wrong on so many levels, but my heart wouldn't cease its attempts to leap from my chest.

"Well, that's a change. Last night you were the one begging me to take them off..." he whispered with a sly grin.

Wait, I did _what?_ That's not possible. Last night I was abducted from my bed and dropped off on some weird transdimensional ship or something. I met me... the other me, I mean. But wait. What happened after I was sent back? It's all a huge blur. What if, and this is just a theory, what if I was acting subconciously? No, wait, that would be ridiculous. That would mean deep down I was attracted to Haruki... But here I was. Oh god, tell me what's going on!

"Seeing as you're so energetic this morning, let's put that energy to good use..."

In one motion, I was pushed back down onto the bed, my arms pinned down by his. My legs flailed wildly but could do nothing with his entire body pressing down on me.

"No, please, Haruki, don't--"

He put his finger to my lips to silence me.

"Don't be like that. I know this is what you really want. What we both want. Just give in. Be happy, Kyonko."

He leaned in to press his lips to mind. The last bits of self-control I had were immediately shut down. Like a sailor falling prey to the call of a mermaid, I was unable to control myself. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips...

"Kyonko, are you okay?"

That voice belonged to Koizumi, not Haruki. Not that the latter should be able to speak, given the... unique circumstances. And that wasn't his hand on my shoulder.

Wearily, I opened my eyes to find myself grasping onto a drool-covered pillow, my lips still attached to it. There was no Haruki on top of me. Or anywhere, for that matter. I sat up and noticed that I was still in my nightgown, a garment I was never so happy to be wearing.

Noticing all these details, and wiping away the string of saliva connecting my mouth with the pillow, led me to a conclusion.

It was all a dream.

I was simultaneously relieved and pissed off. Relieved that, well, _that_ didn't really happen, but the fact that I thought about that, that my subconcious could even _dream_ of such a scenario was humiliating. Worse than that, though, 'It was all just a dream?' How cliche can you get? If this were a story or a movie, I'd demand my time and money back. At least come up with something involving traveling to a different dimension, or a clone copy, or something like that.

"I heard a couple of cries coming from your room, so I came over," Koizumi said with actual compassion in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"...Not really. Can... can we talk about something?"

"Of course. But only if you let me do your hair while we talk."

I wasn't sure why Koizumi had suddenly taken an interest in my hair, but I agreed. As we sat on my bed, I told her of what transpired over the night. From my abduction, to meeting 'Kyon,' the fact that our worlds were now beginning to collide, what Youji wanted us to do. All the while, she sat behind me, fixing my hair. It was actually... surprisingly pleasant.

"Well, I'm sure it's not all that surprising, but I, too, am against taking Asahina's time travel device," Koizumi began. "If the time travelers themselves wouldn't approve of it, it doesn't seem wise for us, less educated on the matter, to get involved like that. And that's before we take personal feelings about stealing and harming a friend into account."

"But don't you want to get out of your duties?" I asked.

"Well, sure. I don't particularly enjoy my work. It's tiring with little thanks. But on the other hand, if I didn't have to do it, I never would have met the rest of you in the S.O.S. Brigade. I don't think I'd give up my duties if it meant undoing all the time we've spent together."

It's extremely rare that Koizumi and I should agree so much on an issue. Too rare for me to say so out loud. We both agreed that stealing from Asahina was a no-go and that's all that really mattered.

"Oh," something else came to me. "This is... kind of personal. But... I need to talk to someone about this."

I told her about the dream I had just before she entered my room. It was going to drive me insane if I didn't tell _somebody_ about it.

Koizumi continued to untangle a few knots in my hair as she replied, "Well, first off, I'm actually kind of honored that you chose to tell me about this..."

I didn't really have the heart to tell her that she was only the winner by default. If I told Asahina, she'd likely faint. Such a profane dream must never grace his pure mind. Nagato would likely give me a rational explanation involving brain chemistry that wouldn't really answer my questions. And Haruki... Ha ha. No. Just no. I'll be dead and buried before I tell him about such a dream.

"But I don't think it's anything to worry about," Koizumi explained. "Like it or not, you're a teenage girl now and such fantasies are perfectly normal. And Haruki is quite a handsome young man."

"Wait a second, you're a girl, too. Does that mean you've had the same fantasies about him?"

"Hmm? Oh, no. I have my biology under strict control. It's all a part of my job, you see."

I couldn't see it, but I could sense the same sickeningly cheerful smile on her face and suddenly I was annoyed with her again. It was actually refreshing in an odd way.

"So, what do I do? This is a little disturbing..."

"Just be honest with yourself. It shouldn't be disturbing. We're in different bodies, in a different world. 'When in Rome,' as they say..."

Maybe it's that easy for you to toss aside all masculine pride, but it's not that easy for me. When I met 'Kyon,' he wasn't willing to let go of his former feminine pride, either. That's just the way I am. We are. Or whatever.

Sigh. "I suppose you're right. It's just natural. It's just that I--"

SLAM!

With his usual eloquence and tact, Haruki kicked open the door.

I nearly leapt from the bed, but Koizumi's hands held me down. Dammit, that hurt! And Haruki, are you trying to kill me through a heart attack? Did you take out a billion yen life insurance policy out on me?

He stood in the doorway, looking in with all the enthusiasm of someone watching paint dry. "Yo, Kyonko, you... awake..."

...And that expression quickly shifted into a stupid smirk. "Sngh... heh heh... Ha ha ha ha!" He leaned on the doorway and continued to laugh. What? What was so funny?

"Snrk... tee hee..." Suddenly, Koizumi starts to giggle, too. Oh no. I get up off the bed and walk over to the vanity mirror.

Looking back at me is a girl with two giant pigtails, the kind more befitting a five-year-old than a high schooler.

"Dammit, Koizumi!"

At this point Koizumi exploded in a fit of laughter. Dammit, this is not funny! I ran for the bed, grabbed my still-drool-covered pillow and chased the horrid girl and laughing boy, who had taken out his camera and was snapping photos, from my room with a series of violent strikes before slamming the door shut.

I dropped face first back on the bed. Sigh. This was going to be a very, very long day.

But I also knew I didn't have time to sit around. He may be a jerk, but Youji did show us that the worlds were about to collide in full. I need to prevent that at all costs, but how? Again, it all came back to Haruki. If he wished for the world to return to normal, things would be okay again, right? But if he doesn't, is there any other way? Well, I suppose I'll just have to talk to him myself.

I sat up, fixed my hair back into its ever so perfect ponytail, threw on a tan skirt with a sky-blue tanktop and headed out to meet the others.

Breakfast was being served in Tsuruya's oversized westernized dining room.

Upon my entrance, Haruki began snickering and Koizumi giggled in an extremely refined, polite, and utterly infuriatingly charming manner.

"Yeah, yeah, hilarious." I pulled out a chair and sat down while doing my best to ignore the joking of the idiots and fools around me.

"Oh, good morning, Kyonko!" Asahina greeted me with a pleasant smile. Oh, my angel. You can dress my hair anyway you like if it meant I could hear you greet me like that every morning.

"Yo, mornin'!" greeted Tsuruya with the same enthusiasm one comes to expect from the ever-energetic green-haired lad. "Did'ja sleep well, Kyonko?"

Ugh. He had to bring that up. "Nah. Nightmares."

"Ah, that's too bad," he said with the smile never wavering from his lips. Did this boy even know how to frown? "Course, I s'pose after yesterday, that'd make sense. That's why we got a special surprise for today!"

"That's right!" Haruki slammed his hands down on the table with enough force to make you wonder if he wasn't trying to smash it in two. "After yesterday, I realized our schedule was missing one of the core, most vital parts of manliness."

...Huh?

"I know I'm going to hate myself for asking this, but where are you going with this?" I asked as an all too familiar headache began to make its presence felt.

Haruki grinned like a madman who had just cornered his final target. Have you ever considered going into the movies? Your expressions would make you a star as a slasher villain.

"I speak, of course, of the art of self-defense! The ability to hone one's body to its peak, to fight of all attackers, armed or unarmed!"

I sighed. "Doesn't it take _years_ to master something like that? This trip only lasts a week."

Haruki chuckled. "Normally, yes, but there's never been a teacher like me."

"Do you even _have_ skill in any sort of martial art?"

"You worry too much about the trivial stuff."

This isn't trivial!

"Anyway," ignoring my objections as usual, he continued. "We're meeting in the dojo in 5 minutes. Move out! The last one there gets the death penalty!"

Okay, ignoring the fact that I just sat down and haven't even had the chance to start eating, I didn't even know this place _had _a dojo, let alone where it was. Don't any of you have any objections?

"I think it's a fine idea," said Ms. Agreeable, Koizumi. "Martial arts are an excellent manner in which to learn discipline, improve your overall health, and learn to protect oneself."

Nagato, who had been eating in silence the whole time, needless to say, had no opinion on the matter.

"Sounds like a blast to me!" Tsuruya exclaimed.

"W-wait, self-defense...?" cried Asahina. "Does... does that mean we have to fight? Wah, I can't!" Sadly, I doubt Asahina's opinion on the matter, being the only dissenting opinion besides mine, would hold much weight. Damn.

Ah, well. At least nonsense aside, this might give me a chance to talk to Haruki. So I ate as quickly as I could and asked a servant to escort me to the dojo.

"You're late!" Haruki cried as I entered the only Japanese-style room in the mansion. "Penalty! Penalty!"

I stared in awe. "Before I pay whatever stupid penalty you have planned, just what are you wearing?"

"Isn't it obvious? It's my keikogi! You can't practice self-defense without the proper uniform!"

Indeed, everyone else was already dressed in their practice robes. But I was more curious as to where he got a full set of robes for everyone on such short notice. Oh well. What do I care?

"Not to mention, they have an added benefit. Check it out!" Haruki grabbed Asahina by the wrists, dragging the red-headed boy before him. "Doesn't it look awesome on him? I made sure they were a size larger than normal to give him a baggy look that adds to his loli-shouta appeal."

To be fair, Asahina did look adorable, but, quite frankly, he looked spectacular in any outfit.

"Ah, S-Suzumiya, please, let go," asked the innocent boy, still held in place by Haruki's iron grip. "You're hurting my wrists..."

"No, no," scolded Haruki. "This is self-defense training. You don't ask for someone to let go. You make them, or else they could do this!"

Moments later, I was exposed to a sight my eyes would burn into my feminine brain for safe keeping. Haruki pulled on Asahina's right sleeve, pulling his robes half off, leaving his bare chest exposed before my eyes.

"Kyaaaaaaaaa!" Asahina shrieked as he covered himself and turning bright red. It would have been such a sad sight if it weren't so adorable.

"Oh come on, you're not a girl," Haruki muttered. "But damn, do you act like one. It's so freakin' cute I can't stand it, you... you... argh! Come here!"

And with that, Haruki's molestations began anew, dropping the feminine boy to the floor and following up with all sorts of rubs and gropes. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

"This may take a while," said Tsuruya, patting me on the shoulder. "Why don't you go change and come back?" He handed me a folded up uniform which I accepted. It was probably a good idea. Any more of watching this and I might lose control myself. I wanted to chastise Haruki, but I couldn't fault his taste.

Several minutes later, I returned to the dojo dressed in my own practice robes, feeling stupid wearing such a thing when I didn't know the first thing about fighting. To any and all karate, jujutsu, kendo, aikido, or tae kwon do masters out there, please take no offense at my attire.

Everyone was lined up, save Asahina, who was busy crying in the corner. Haruki stood before the 'class,' apparently appointing himself the master of the day despite not having any practice himself. And so the lectures began.

"The first and most important rule of any fight is a simple one. Hit them, but don't get hit!"

If there was an award for the most obvious statement in the history of man, I'm sure that would follow somewhere between 'It's a bad idea to drink poison' and 'water is wet.'

"Yuuki!" He pointed out the bespectacled boy who, as near as I could tell, hadn't moved a muscle since he entered the room. "Come forth! You shall be my first example!"

Nagato obeyed, as per usual, taking his spot before Haruki.

"Now, I'm going to try and hit you, and you're going to dodge, got it? Don't hold back on me, okay?"

Nagato looked at me as if asking "is it really okay to not hold back?" I nodded. If nothing else, this should be interesting to watch.

"Take this! Hyah!" Haruki through a straight jab with all his might. But when it arrived at its destination, Nagato was already leaning to the left, deftly dodging the fist.

Haruki blinked in confusion. None of us really saw Nagato move. He was standing straight up one moment and the next he was leaning to one side.

"Not bad, not bad, Yuuki. But let's see you dodge this!" Haruki continued with a left, a right, and a side kick. And again, Nagato simply leaned from side to side, avoiding each attack as if it wasn't even there.

"Oh yeah? Now it's time to get serious!"

As if you weren't serious the whole time. Anyway, you can probably guess what happened next. Haruki erupted into a barrage of punches and kicks. How good they would be on someone who knew how to fight I couldn't say, but I can say they didn't work on Nagato, who avoided them with minimal effort. The barrage of useless attacks only ended when Haruki ran out of breath.

I was half-expecting Koizumi to have a sudden need to excuse herself as Haruki's frustration built up until a closed space would open somewhere. But instead, after a good 10 seconds of panting, a maniacal grin came over his face. Seriously, stop that. You have the face of a serial killer.

"Wow, I'm an even better teacher than I thought!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "Yuuki, I'm proud of you. You're officially a graduate of Suzumiya Haruki's School of Self Defense. Congratulations!"

"Wait, he graduates? You didn't even have him throw a punch!" I could feel a familiar headache returning.

"Doesn't matter. If you can't get hit, you win by attrition! All right, next lesson! Kyonko, come!"

I'm sure if Bruce Lee were alive to hear your analysis of martial arts combat, he'd be plenty pissed. And what am I, a dog? Don't just say come and expect--Argh, whatever. I came all the same and stood before him.

"What do you want me to do?"

And unexpectedly, he placed his hands on my shoulders. "Just stay right there. Don't move. Are you ready?"

Ready? Ready for what?

And then he embraced me.

"W-what are you doing?! I... I... I'm not... I..."

"Just relax. Let me do all the work."

What was I hearing? What was he saying? Was I going crazy? No, this had to be another dream. It had to be another revolting dream about Haruki. Any second now I'd wake up and be in my bed, safe and sound. But it felt so real. His chest pressed against mine, it was making me feel weak in the knees.

_Really_ weak in the knees. In fact, it felt like my whole body was about to collapse. Because Haruki had kicked the back of my knees. But before my body could hit the floor, I saw the room fly upside down as my arm was nearly torn from its socket. I found myself staring at the ceiling from Haruki's back for a second before he gently put me back down on the floor.

"What... was that for?" I asked.

"That was the very first use of the Suzumiya Haruki Leg Sweep Overarm Throw! Get your opponent in an embrace, strike the back of the knee, grab their arm, and in one motion throw them over your shoulder!"

My head hurt more than ever, but I couldn't decide if it was because of Haruki's proud smile or if I hit my head somewhere along the line. Either way, I sighed and walked back to my place in line.

"All right, listen up!" Haruki screamed in a voice that made my head throb even more. "That was a perfect example of the most important rule of fighting: Always strike for vital points!"

"Didn't you just say not getting hit was the most important part?"

"No talking back to your instructor! Everyone grab a partner! Mitsuuru, you're with me!"

"Wait, why do you get to pair up with Asahina?!"

"Eh? Me?" squeaked Asahina.

"Why, do you want to pair up him?" Haruki asked me.

"Well, why not?"

Haruki grabbed Asahina by the scalp, digging in, and shoved him forward like he was a kid showing off a shiny new rock. "Okay, Mitsuuru, punch Kyonko square in the face."

"Eh?!" Asahina and I timed our surprise perfectly in unison.

"No!" Mitsuuru shook his head, or at least tried to with Haruki's fingers still digging into his skull. "I r-refuse! I could never... No matter what, I could never hurt Kyonko like that!"

"Exactly. That's why you're with me. Besides, this isn't a joke. This is serious. So quit fussing and let's train you into a man!"

And with that, Haruki dragged the protesting boy across the room to some open space. I'll pray for your safety, my love.

As I took a seat on the floor, because there was no way I was getting involved in this insane activity, I heard an all-too familiar voice.

"Well, I see you're getting along with Haruki as nicely as ever," spoke Koizumi as she took a seat alongside me.

"Shouldn't you be training over there like your king commands?"

"Well, I couldn't, really. Nagato is simply reading, as he graduated already, and Tsuruya said he wasn't 'comfortable hitting a girl.' So unless you have a particular desire to spar with me, I'd say we sit this one out."

"...I'll pass." Actually, punching Koizumi has been a recurring thought of mine for a long time, but quite frankly, I didn't have the energy in me this morning and whatever shreds of masculinity remained in me still held on to the rule of not hitting girls. Even if I was one, too.

Haruki threw a punch that almost certainly intentionally missed Asahina. In return, Asahina countered by cowering in the corner. Haruki scolded the poor boy for a while, demanding he fight back. This continued on and on as I watched. It was actually kind of cute. Sad, pathetic, and insane, but Asahina was involved, so it was cute.

"You realize this, of course, is all for your sake, right?" Koizumi interrupted my spectation of the 'fight' in front of me.

"What are you talking about? What do you mean 'this?'"

Koizumi just shrugged her shoulders and gave a sigh with a faint smile. For a second I was regretting not picking a fight with her moments ago.

"Don't you remember yesterday?"

Let'see, I went on a vacation of sorts, I was forced to wear a bikini in public, I was yanked around by my hair, and was assaulted by a crazed man with a gun. Yeah, I kinda remember yesterday. In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll take years of therapy to forget it.

"My point is that Suzumiya was worried about you. I heard this from Tsuruya, but apparently, last night in his room, Suzumiya was kicking himself for not being able to do much when you were attacked."

That's stupid. "He had a gun. What could he do? He still punched that jerk. What more could he expect?"

"You're looking at this the wrong way. Logically, yes, there was little he could do more. In fact, had Nagato not disarmed him, he couldn't even have done what he did."

I didn't pay too much attention to Koizumi. I just watched the 'match' between Haruki and Asahina. The latter had at least started to fight back, but just barely. It was obvious that even Haruki realized he couldn't actually hit the poor boy without turning him into a smear on the wall and was merely trying to provoke the pacifistic boy into punching him back. What part of this constituted advance training in self-defense was beyond me.

Despite my non-attention, Koizumi continued. "It was a moment of weakness. Normally, Suzumiya is quite ambitious and believes he can do anything if he simply puts his mind to it. In reality, this is not far from the truth. We are actually quite fortunate that he did not activate his powers during that confronation. His confusion and shock must have overwhelmed his desires."

While seeing Youji willed out of existence wasn't all that unpleasant, I suppose that would be a bad thing. Haruki is trouble enough without knowing he could erase people from existence.

By this point, Asahina was actually trying to punch Haruki, though his eyes were filled with tears and Haruki simply stepped out of the way. It couldn't be all that hard as Asahina refused to even look in the direction he was attacking out of fear. Haruki continued to taunt him, asking him to 'be a man.'

"So, what's your point? Haruki felt scared?"

"Well, that's not the word I'd use. I'd say 'powerless.' Somewhat ironic, don't you think? Now, this is just my theory here, but I believe Suzumiya changed today's schedule to self-defense training not because he wishes for us to be stronger. The training is for him. He wants to be able to protect you."

Okay, that's just preposterous. "Didn't he just try to throw me over his shoulder?"

"But he didn't. It was probably just his way of showing you how strong he is."

Ugh. "I don't get this. None of this makes any sense, as usual."

"Come on, hit me, Mitsuuru! Be a man and knock me one right across the cheek!" Haruki's taunting ensued, trying hard to motivate the pacifistic boy into being a fighting machine. Good luck with that.

The two fighters stepped closer.

Asahina stood in front of m, shaking in fear. "Suzumiya, please stop! I-I'm not a fighter!"

"You will be when I'm done with you! Now, if you won't hit me, I'll just have to beat the fighter into you!"

That little remark was the last straw. Asahina's flailings were cute, but to actually hurt him? I wouldn't stand for it.

"Now hold it right there--"

Crack.

Before I could finish my complaint, Haruki threw a haymaker which Asahina dodged. Leaving me in its path.

Out went the lights.

The next thing I know, I'm resting my head on Nagato's lap.

"Uhh... what happened?" I tried to sit up but found myself too dizzy. But I looked down to see my white robes stained red with blood.

"You received a blow to the face from Suzumiya Haruki," Nagato said with the same monotonous voice you'd announce the time with.

"Ow... oh... yeah. I kinda remember that now. But where is everyone?"

"...Suzumiya immediately ran from the room. Tsuruya followed. Koizumi was summoned by the Organization, most likely. I stayed behind to stop the bleeding. I am unable to perform large scale reconstruction of normal organic tissue such as limb regeneration, but I have sufficient skill to stop minor bleeding and heal small fractures in bone and cartilidge."

Well, I suppose that explains why my nose wasn't in any pain and wasn't bleeding anymore. Hey, wait, didn't that list exclude someone? But before I could ask where Asahina had gone to, the sound of his voice rang out.

"I got an ice pack, so--Kyonko! Oh Kyonko, I'm so sorry!" When the angel saw I was awake, he ran to me and grabbed my hand, a feeling that almost made getting punched in the face by a brute worthwhile. "If I... If I hadn't dodged that, you wouldn't have gotten hurt... what kind of man am I?" He held my hand close to his cheek and I could feel the tears streaming down it.

"Ah, Asahina, it's okay, it's okay." I wanted to sit up and embrace the boy, but the room was still spinning too much so I could only offer him my words. "You didn't mean it. Besides, you weren't always a boy, so it's to be expected."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" The tears stopped.

"What do you mean what am I talking about? We're only in this situation because Haruki helped change our genders!"

"...Kyonko, you're scaring me..." Asahina whispered. And it was true. I could see his very eyes shaking. "I've... I've always been a guy."

Okay, step back for a second. Did Asahina just say he was always a guy? Did Haruki hit me so hard it knocked me into yet another dimension?

"...Kyonko." Nagato interrupted my inner monologue. "Since you were unconscious, the situation has become worse."

Well, Nagato seems to know what I'm talking about, so I suppose this is still our world. Our other world, I mean. I think.

"I suspect Asahina's memory change may be related to the fact that Suzumiya Haruki has left this world altogether."

"...Come again?"

"..." Rather than answer me, he showed me. Helping me to my feet with the help of a very confused Asahina, Nagato lent me his shoulder as we walked out of the dojo and back into the hallway. There, Nagato opened the first door in front of us.

Normally when one opens a door in a house, you expect to see the normal things. A bed, a table, maybe a few potted plants. But Tsuruya's house was a mansion. I wouldn't have been surprised to see unusual things. A grand piano, maybe. Or an indoor pool, perhaps. But not this.

Even the richest people on Earth generally don't own swirling vortexes leading to unknown worlds.

And if I understood what Nagato was trying to tell me, Haruki had just stepped through one of these.

Suzumiya Haruki, and likely the rest of my friends, were no longer on this Earth.

End Chapter 7.


	8. Stuck in Space in High Heels

Okay. I thought this was going to be the last chapter.

I was wrong. I had too many loose ends to tie up and ended up throwing together a bunch of new ideas. Maybe a few too many. It jumps around quite a bit.

But next chapter, I swear, will end it all. And hopefully I'll end it soon. Work and school make it hard, but I'll do my best.

In any case, as always, thank you for reading, and please point out any errors, plot holes, or whatever you like.

* * *

The swirling mass of energy before me was certainly something new. I was fairly sure if he had one, Tsuruya would have mentioned the trans-dimensional gateway he kept in one of his rooms. This was a bad sign.

"Nagato, what is this?"

"It's a vortex of energy and data that alters physical mass at a subatomic level in order to--"

I pushed my finger to his lips and applied my free hand to my forehead. I forgot that when dealing with situations like this, you need to phrase your questions to Nagato very carefully.

"Nagato, what I mean is, why is there a portal to another world in Tsuruya's summer home?"

"I do not know for certain."

"But then you have at least some idea?"

He looked at me as he adjusted his glasses as if he was wondering if it was really okay to speculate. Don't worry. I trust your random guesses more than I trust other people's hard evidence.

"...Very well. I stated that things grew worse while you were disoriented from the blow from Suzumiya. I can only theorize that the act of hitting you resulted in a massive surge of unstable mental states, which resulted in a burst of data. As I attempted to analyze the data, the merging of the two worlds began to hasten. Furthermore, preliminary analysis suggests that this house is the epicenter of the dimensional convergence. The time-space continum has become weak here. Shortly after I detected the first tears in the fabric of the multiverse, the biological signatures of all organic creatures in this area were erased."

All I could do was rub my temple and hope that would fascillitate my brain's ability to process all of that. So, long story short, Haruki flipped out and it tore a hole in time and space, I guess.

Asahina raised his hand as if he were sitting in class. "Ummm, Kyonko, I'm not too sure what all this is about, but I got a message from my group. They told me to tell you that there was a large-scale time quake just recently. It's causing massive interference with my communications, and the message barely got through."

Ah, well, more good news, then. I rested my chin in the palm of my hand and started to ponder what, if anything, I could do. The world is about to collide with another world with untold consequences. Haruki is missing, as was Tsuruya, Koizumi, and the staff of the house. I'm still trapped in a female alternate version of myself.

About the only thing I could understand about this situation was that I didn't understand anything. Well, mostly. I understood that if I didn't do anything the world would be in jeopardy. Which really left me with only one option: Run headlong into the fray.

I sighed deeply. Only a collasal idiot would jump into a dimensional vortex without knowing where it leads. But considering the company I willingly keep, I suppose I can't deny that I am, in fact, a collasal idiot.

"Let's get this over with," I grumbled as I stepped back and took a deep breath. My feet, still bare from our training, ran across the carpeted floor and charged into the portal.

Only to be stopped mere centimeters before it as a hand reached out and grabbed my own.

"Kyonko, no! You can't!" I turned my head back to see a very scared looking Asahina, tears in his eyes, holding my hand. "Entering a vortex without the proper training and understanding is extremely dangerous!"

"Why are you crying?"

"B-Because..." Asahina stammered and teared up some more. "Because I kept thinking about it, and this whole thing is really my fault. I don't know what's going on but if I hadn't dodged that punch, you wouldn't hve gotten hurt. That's why all this began. Because I wasn't enough of a man."

The sobbing boy wiped his eyes on his sleeves and continued to squeeze my hand until it really started to hurt.

"Asahina, but you're not supposed to be a man."

"Don't say that!" For the first time, I saw a flash of anger in Asahina's eyes. But as quickly as it came, it left. "Kyonko, please don't say that. I'm telling you the truth. I don't... I don't remember anything other than being the boy you see before you. So when you say I'm not a man, that I shouldn't be one, it hurts. Especially coming from you."

It was in his eyes that I saw the truth. Through the tears I could see the innocent but determined look of Asahina, the pure angel that could never lie to me. He really didn't remember being Asahina Mikuru, the lovely maid of my dreams. Was this a side effect of the world's impending collision? Did his mind swap with his alternate self again and go back to normal? No, now's not the time to worry about this.

"Please understand, Asahina." I needed to get him to let go of me. We needed to go through that portal and find Haruki. Possibly. I didn't really have a plan beyond finding him, and I had no guarantee that this portal would even lead to him, but I had little other choice. "The memories you have aren't necessarily your own. They're likely somebody else's, implanted in your mind. You're not Asahina Mitsuuru, and if we can find Haruki we can--"

"I remember the day we were alone for the first time." Asahina interrupted me. The tears on his face were no longer flowing. His bangs covered his eyes as he stared at the floor. "When we spent that Saturday afternoon together. We walked by the river. And that's when I told you I was not from your time plane. That I didn't really belong in your world. I remember seeing you in your bright yellow sundress and sandals. And I remember thinking how cute you looked. I was weak, I was short, I was as far from manly as could be, and it was only by chance but we got to spend the afternoon together. But I remember feeling like I was the happiest man in the world."

At this point, his face was as red as could be, and I could only surmise that my own was just as red, if not redder. Was this a confession? From Asahina of all people? Oh man, normally this would be the happiest moment of my life, but was this really the time or place for it?

"...As I said," continued the fire-haired boy, "I'm not sure what's going on. Possibly due to the time quakes, something has become amiss. But you're telling me that those memories, some of the happiest..." He turned away from me. "I know I'm a hypocrite. I can't... get close... it's forbidden. But..."

Forbidden? I wasn't sure where he was going with this, but I was hung on his every word.

"At least don't tell me the memories I cherish are a lie! They're real to me. So... so let me prove to you that I'm really a man! I'll go in your place and I'll bring Haruki back!"

For some reason, a smile creased my lips. "All right, all right. Tell you what. Let's go together. And if I get in trouble, you can be my 'shining knight,' okay?"

Asahina nodded his head and smiled. "Okay, don't worry." He puffed out his chest and smiled. "After all, we came here for just this sort of reason, right? So there's no need to be afraid."

Of course, his courage would have been a lot more convincing if his whole body wasn't trembling like a leaf in a hurricane. But he was trying his best, so I let it slide. I suppose he was right, anyway. He, for all intents and purposes, wasn't my Asahina Mikuru. He wasn't the bright, shy, and considerate girl that always cheered me up and he had no memroy, for whatever reason, of being her. And it wasn't fair to treat him as such.

I reached out my hand to hold his so that we could walk together. As our fingertips grazed each other, in an instant, I felt my legs give out as I fell to the floor. My sight began to fade and I could barely hold my head up. The last thing I can remember was seeing Asahina struggling to get to me. Though we had been mere centimeters away, a barrier of some sort was now between us. He struggled to get through it. Even Nagato, the nearly omnipotent alien boy, struggled against the barrier, trying to pull it open it seemed.

From behind me came the sound of footsteps, moving closer as I passed out.

I honestly don't remember much of what happened then. I vaguely recall a sensation that was like falling into a pool. Then there was a warm sensation on the side of my head. And things got blurry.

"Ugh... wha?"

"It's okay, you can go back to sleep if you want to. I don't mind."

That voice.

"...Haruki?"

"Heh. Who else would it be?"

Opening my eyes proved a formidable challenge. It felt like I had 50 kilogram weights on my eyelids. But when I did, I saw Haruki's face staring back down at me.

"...What are you doing here?"

"Ouch. That hurts. Are you saying you want to end our date already?" The boy pouted like a little kid who was just told to put his toys away and to go to bed.

Blood began to rush to my face. "Date?" Then I realized where I was. I could see we were on a bench in the park. It was... well, it felt familiar. Like I'd been on this bench with someone before. But when I tried to think about who, my mind went blank. More importantly, I noticed where my head was, which was in Haruki's lap. I immediately sprang from the bench to my feet, making sure to get a good 5 meters between us in the span of a second or two.

"Wh-what's going on here?! What was I doing in your—Argh!" It felt so weird. I didn't remember anything. How did I get there? What was I doing? And I had this nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that I was supposed to be doing something else. But what?

But Haruki didn't seem the least bit concerned about my worries. Like that's anything new. He just smiled handsomely and told me, "God, you're cute when you freak out like that."

And immediately, said worries melted away like a block of ice in the Saharah. And a well of embarrassment took their place. "How can you say that so casually?"

"Easy." He stood up from the bench and slowly walked towards me. And then he gently kissed the back of my hand. "It's the truth."

"W-Whatever. Let's just go already." Dammit, keep cool, Kyonko.

...Kyonko? Why does my nickname sound so weird to me all of a sudden?

Before I could ponder and reorganize my internal thought process, Haruki wrapped his arm around mine and started to pull me along. "What're you staring off into space for? Come on, the movie will be starting soon."

"Movie?" I stumbled a few times as the energetic boy dragged me along. Seeing this, he slowed down a bit. This gave me the first chance to really look at him without me covering my face to hide my blushing. He was sporting a pair of tan khaki's and a white button-down shirt. It was simple, but it worked for him. When I looked at his smiling face, my heart always skipped a beat or two.

"Don't tell me you forgot about the movie. The one you practically begged me to take you to."

"Ah? Oh, yeah..." Actually, it did sound vaguely familiar.

Damn, why was my mind so hazy today? Here I was on a date with the hottest boy in school, and yet everything was like I just woke up from a dream. Get it together, girl! You picked out your best outfit, a combo of a crimson mini-skirt, a sky blue blouse, and thighhighs. You've been planning this date for a long time. Sure, you've been officially dating for two months, but with a figure like yours, or lack thereof, who knows when he might just up and dump you for some jiggly-chested bimbo?

So I psyched myself up and off we went together. The movie was a new romantic comedy by a favorite director of mine. It was very charming, I'd say. But throughout the whole show I couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling that something was wrong. But every time I seriously tried to remember what it was, Haruki would say or do something to take my mind off of it. Was it that obvious that I was feeling out of it? Or maybe he was secretly an alien and was capable of reading my brain waves.

Wait, aliens? I know I was joking, but... I get the feeling that nagging feeling had something to do with aliens, as crazy as that sounds.

"What's wrong, Kyonko? Didn't like the movie?"

I shook my head. We were outside the theater now, just walking along the sidewalk to kill some time.

"Haruki, I'm sorry. Today was supposed to be such a special day. I wanted it to be perfect, but I fell asleep on you and I've been spacing out all day."

But he still just smiled back at me. "It's okay. I had fun. It's just fun to be with you. Just spending the day with you like a normal couple out and about is good enough for me."

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

My mind suddenly felt like it was about to split in two. I could here a voice screaming in my head.

"That man is not Haruki."

That's what the voice was telling me. But I didn't need him to tell me that. "Wait, this date we're on. It's so... normal. That's wrong. It's completely wrong!"

"Kyonko, wake up, please!" The voice cried out to me again. I knew it.

"But Kyonko, we always go on dates like this together," the fraudster claimed. But I didn't believe it. I knew something was wrong with this scene.

"Do you take me for an idiot? Haruki would never do anything normal! Sitting in the park? Going to the movies together? That's not like Haruki at all! We should be out looking for hidden dinosaurs or trying to develop psychic powers or something insane like that!"

Haruki took several steps back. "Kyonko, calm down. Please, I know this is what you really want. It's what your heart desires."

My blood was boiling. I stepped forward and in one blow, I threw my fist into the fake Haruki's fake. "Who the hell do you think you are, telling me what I want? Even if you were right, the world never goes as you want it to. Reality and desire are two seperate things. And what I really desire right now is to get out of this fake world right now!"

I stomped my foot with all my anger and the world around me began to tremble like an earthquake. Buildings crumbled. Trees shrank until they disappeared. The sky began to fall. And the world exploded into a bright, white light.

As the dream world ended, I began to drift back to the real world.

I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came to, my head felt like someone had taken a jackhammer and applied it directly to my brain. I tried to open my eyes, but water seeped into them, stinging pretty badly.

Wait, water?

As feeling returned to my body slowly, I realized I was definitely underwater. Yet I could breathe. I pulled my hands to my face. A respirator.

I never was much of a swimmer and I never could open my eyes underwater, but I figured a little stinging was probably a small price to pay to figure out what in the hell was going on. As my eyes adjusted to the water, I could tell there was a wall of glass before me. Not only that, but there was a door built in to it. Unfortunately, it couldn't be opened from my side, and the fact that no water appeared to be leaking from the cracks meant it was also air tight. And looking up, I could see a steel plate blocking the only other possible escape route.

Well, on the upside, I was alive. On the downside, I had no idea where I was, I had no clue where anyone else was, I was still the wrong gender, I was cold, stuck in a tank like a goldfish, and I was naked. Did I mention that last part? Because I was. Apparently, whoever threw me into this thing decided I simply had too much dignity left.

Given the absurdity of the situation, I was half expecting a dark man in shades to come fetch me from my tank and explain to me that my whole life up to this point was an elaborate lie cooked up by a race of sentient computers.

Actually, I doubt a bunch of computers could ever hope to dream up a world as insane as mine had become, so I suppose that rules out that possibility.

And yet, a tall, dark man did come into the room at that moment. He wasn't wearing shades and a leather trenchcoat, though. Instead, he had on a dark military uniform and a combat helmet that obscured everything above his mouth. He walked to a console I hadn't noticed before and the water in my tank began to drain.

While I'm not usually friendly with heavily armed guards, this one appeared to be a gentleman as he opened the door and gently helped me out of the tank, leaning me up against the tank. He even brought me a towel to dry off with (and provide some much needed modesty).

"Here," he said in a strangely high pitched voice, at least for a man his size and then handed me a strange sealed bag. "It's a change of clothes. An officer's uniform. I can't stay long, so please listen carefully. Some guards will come in soon. Show them the badge that's in the bag. Tell them to act in formation X3D. When they leave, take the stairs to the top. I'll see you again soon."

Then he left as quickly as he came, stopping only briefly to look back before the door closed.

Just who the heck was that guy? But I suppose now is a bad time to sit around and ponder this mystery, so I opened the bag and pulled out... Oh god.

The officer jacket and hat I could understand, but the pantyhose, high heeled shoes and knee length skirt? It felt more like I was getting ready to go be an office lady. But beggars can't be choosers, and it's either this or run around an unknown, presumably guarded facility stark naked.

And worst of all, they all fit. How did these guys know my measurements? Argh, none of this makes sense!

The door opened again and several more guards entered the room. These ones, however, didn't have the same tact as the previous one, as they immediately raised several mean looking guns at me.

"Freeze!"

The correct reaction to the combination of guns aimed at you and a command to freeze is to follow their orders. But given what the man before had said to me, I figured it was better to put on a little act.

"Don't shoot, it's me! It's me!" I cried.

One of the guards moved closer. "Identify yourself."

Oh God, I hope this works. I carefully glanced at the namebadge that was pinned to my uniform. "Colonel Sekiutsu Chiri, check my ID."

The soldier up front moved closer and examined my ID badge. "Hmm..." He removed a small device from his pocket and appeared to scan it. A small beep came from the gadget when it finished.

"It checks out," he said turning to his squadmates. He turned back and added, "Sorry about that, ma'am. We just, uh, didn't recognize you in this lighting. Are, uh, you new, ma'am?"

"Y-yes, I just, uh, transfered in. In any case, uh, why don't you give me a situation report?"

"Yes, ma'am!" The soldiers saluted. "We had several intruder alerts aboard the ship and have lost contact with several teams. Shortly after that, we detected abnormal activity in the Prison Hold. We were dispatched here just a minute ago, and that's when we ran into you, ma'am."

"V-very well," I said while nodding my head. Ship? Intruders? What in the hell was going on? This was too weird even by Haruhi's standards. Had I somehow been transported into some sci-fi drama? The only alien I ever want to deal with is Nagato.

"I, uh, I was also investigating the escapee. So, let's not waste time. Take formation, uh..." Quick, what did that guy say, oh yeah! "Take formation X3D."

"F-formation X3D? M-Ma'am, is that wise?"

"You have your orders. See to them," I commanded. "Until then, I'll be here looking for clues. Dismissed."

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" The soldiers saluted me, turned, and left the room.

And immediately, my weak knees finally gave out as I fell to the ground. My heart was racing, sweat was dripping everywhere. I was utterly petrified. All I can say for sure is I'd be either dead or recaptured at this point if it weren't for that guard who rescued me and my recollection of how military types talk via old war movies.

I doubt I had the nerves to try that a second time, and it probably wouldn't be long until someone figured out I wasn't one of them. So I had to escape before that happened.

Once the guards were long gone, I quietly snuck through the door and into a small corridor. It branched off in every direction, with a set of stairs before me. I remember what that guard told me. Could I trust him? Who knows. But he got me out of that tank of who knows what and gave me some clothes, so I was willing to give him the benefit of a doubt. Besides, it's not like I had any better notion of where to go.

Though a minute or so later, I wish I did.

"Haven't... these people... ever heard... of an... es... es... frickin' escalator?!"

I lost count of how many flights of stairs had gone by. How big _was _this place? _What_ it was was also unclear, though a soldier had called it a ship. But I couldn't think. I was too tired and too sore. My head was still throbbing and now my legs were sore. It didn't help that I was running up the stairs wearing high heeled shoes. Seriously, women who wear these by choice must all be masochists. I must have fallen at least a dozen times. But despite the pain, I eventually made it to the top.

A large metal door greeted me, with some sort of ID checking device on its side. Maybe I went too far up? But he said to go to the top...

But as I pondered my mistake, the scanner on the door went off, sending a red light all over my body.

"ID verified. Access granted," said a computerized voice as the metallic door slid open.

"The hell...?" I wondered why I was given access. Well, I guess my ID must be real, as those guards before accepted it. I slowly walked into the open door to see that it was obviously some sort of control room. Panels covered with buttons and dials adorned every inch of the walls, at least the parts that weren't covered by monitors. My theory that I had somehow gone into some sci-fi movie suddenly seemed even more plausible.

Then the door slammed shut. I quickly turned to try and open it, but I had no idea how. Worse yet, when I turned around, I could clearly see a man sitting at a panel at the front of the room. Probably hearing the commotion, he got up, turned around, and began walking towards me.

So, on top of a pounding headache, sore legs, an inability to walk straight, I now also had a heart that was about to burst out of my chest in total fear. Oh man, I hope my officer impersonation pays off again.

But before I could think of what a military officer would say in a situation like this, he stopped in front of me and... was he smiling? All I could see was his mouth, but I was sure that was a smile, and not a sinister one.

"It's been a long time, Kyonko. Well, if you don't count that thing a few minutes ago."

"H-how do you know who I am? Who are _you_ for that matter? Were you the one who helped me out back there?"

His smile only widened. It's purity set my heart at ease, at least a bit, but I was still scared.

"Well, I did help you out of that tank, but I've also helped you out a few times before that. And you helped me. Especially on Tanabata."

Instead of my heart, it was now my eyes that threatened to jump from my body. There was only one person who could know all that and would talk to me in such a way.

"A-Asahina?"

The guard slowly pulled off his helmet, revealing—Oh my god. He's utterly gorgeous. I mean, drop dead beautiful. His face still had Asahina's youthful charm, but with far more maturity and dignity. He'd certainly never be mistaken for a girl, unlike the Asahina Mitsuuru I knew.

Did I mention his medium length, fire-colored hair was tied back in a ponytail? Did he do that just because he knew my one weakness? He's certainly not to be underestimated.

"Ah Kyonko, every bit as cute as I remember."

My face turned red.

"And I must say, that outfit truly suits you."

Warning. Embarrassment levels rising. Face reddening reaching critical levels.

"Ah, well. What can I say? With a girl like you, Suzumiya must be the luckiest guy in the world."

Ding-ding-ding. Ladies and gentleman, it's over! Winner by Technical Critical Embarrassment, Asahina Mitsuuru!

"What do you mean 'with a girl like me?!' Since when did I become property of Haruki? Didn't I tell you I was supposed to be a guy?"

But the totally pure, sincere, and utterly un-Koizumi-like smile didn't disappear from the man's perfectly-formed lips.

"You say that now, but I still remember the way you looked at Suzumiya down at the beach. Don't worry, you two will be very happy together."

Oh god. The fact that this was coming from a man from far in the future meant that my and Haruki hooking up was a predetermined event? Oh man. Whatever happened to whispering "classified information" cutely and leaving me in the dark? Some things are best left unsaid!

But the composed time traveler just shook his head casually. "You know I'm physically unable to tell you anything that you're not cleared to know. Which means you already know about your feelings. But it's okay. I apologize for teasing you like that."

Sigh. I suppose I could at least take this as a sign that I wasn't going to be riddled full of holes or skewered today. But better safe than sorry. So let's get down to business. "Just what are you doing here, anyway?"

Asahina turned away and headed back to the control panel. "Just my duty, as always. Making sure history progresses as it is supposed to. Especially when it gets complicated. And today, that means making sure you all get out of here in one piece."

"Quick question, though." I was quite sure I wanted to get out of here, but... "Where, exactly, is _here?_"

"You mean you don't know? But you were the one who told me that... Ah, I see. So that's how it is." Asahina said as he continued to mess with the panel. "See, we're not really anywhere. Perhaps it would be easier to just show you."

Several of the monitors began to switch between various spots, until one stopped at a very familiar room.

"No way. No. Not again." I had my suspicions and they were just confirmed. I did know this place. On the monitor was an open room overlooking a nearly spherical observatory. Outside the glass window, two large, swirling, sun-like objects were clashing together.

It was the ship Youji brought me on in my dreams. I had been kidnapped twice in one day to the same place.

"Well, at least this time, you've got some friends to rely on, Kyonko."

I nodded. "Yeah. I suppose you've always got my back. Thanks."

The future boy shook his head. "No, not just me. Take a look."

He cycled through a few more security cameras. As I pondered the need for such things on board a ship inbetween dimensions where visitors are sparse, he stopped on one video feed of a squadron of guards running down a corridor. As soon as they left the field of view of the camera, there was a clamour of gunshots, slams, and screams. The few soldiers that weren't thrown back down the hall they came from retreated the same way. Then Nagato stepped into our view, with Asahina (younger) cowering behind him.

"Eh? How'd they get here?" I wondered aloud.

"Simple. I let them in," Asahina noted as he continued to fiddle with the controls in the room. "This ship has the capability of opening multiple portals to anywhere in any world. After you were abducted, I reported it to my bosses. So they sent me to the ship to grant me access."

Ouch. Time traverler logic should not be listened to when you already have a headache, especially one this painful.

"But... then how did you, I mean, _you _you, not your younger self, get here?"

My handsome savior simply put a finger to his lips and winked. "Classified information."

Ah, much better. I think I actually prefer being left in the dark to the little details.

"In any case," Asahina continued, "Those two aren't the only other people on board you may recognize, though I'm getting ahead of—Hey, are you all right?"

No, I'm not. This should be evident by the fact that, as the throbbing in my head worsened beyond what a normal headache should be, I began to teeter and eventually found my way to the floor. For a record-shattering fourth time today, I saw the world around me begin to fade away.

But as it did, I was at least comforted by the words, "Don't worry, Kyonko. Help is on the way."

A number of strangely familiar scenes flashed before my eyes. Memories from a childhood long past. But they weren't exactly as I remembered. A picnic with my family when I was barely old enough to have memories. But I certainly wasn't wearing a dress back then. The same could be said for my first kindergarten outfit. And I remember greeting a new sister home, not a younger brother. But that was exactly what I saw.

It occured to me in my fevered dreaming that these weren't my memories, despite the similarity. They were the memories of Kyonko. The past of the woman whose body I was stuck inside. But why was I seeing them now?

The visions continued, and as they did, they differed more and more from my own, but nothing truly of note until a day I remember all too well. The first day of high school. The day Kyonko met Suzumiya Haruki. I felt the way her heart wouldn't stop beating when she first saw him. The way her face burned up as she looked at him. And how that all came crashing down the moment that idiot opened his big, fat mouth and spouted all that junk about aliens, time travelers, espers and sliders.

But I also felt those feelings gradually returning with time, as things changed. As Haruki changed.

And then I felt a prick on my left wrist, and I woke up.

Nagato had my arm in his mouth, his incisors digging into my flesh.

"Kyonko!" squealed a (younger) Asahina Mitsuuru, who immediately threw himself around me before I could even stand up, tears rolling down his cheek. "Kyonko, thank goodness you're all right! When we came in, we saw you lying on the floor like that and... and... we were worried!"

Freeing my arm, Nagato took his teeth out of my arm. "The virus has been neutralized."

"Virus?" I asked.

"A fabricated virus designed to attack the central nervous system. It paralyzes the infected individual temporarily and then proceeds to the brain where it rearranges the chemistry of sections in order to upload data programmed into it into the recipient. The likely effect is to alter the memories of selected individuals and then erase others."

Well, that certainly explains that.

Nagato continued. "The process was neutralized before the virus could begin memory deletion." He paused, as if unsure if he should continue. "I am relieved."

Nagato was... relieved? Well, that was a rare thing to hear. Rare enough to make me smile, despite all that had happened.

It was then that I noticed that both of them we also wearing the same suits as the guards, minus the helmets. I suppose running around barefoot and wearing little more than practice robes would be rather difficult.

"Kyonko, listen, I'm sorry," apologized the cute, orange haired boy as he finally let me get to my feet, not that I enjoyed being being back on high heels again. "I promised to protect you, but I couldn't stop you from getting kidnapped right in front of me. I'm useless..."

I patted the boy's head and mussed up his hair. "Don't say that. You were a big help to me. I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you."

"What? What do you mean? I didn't do anything."

I smiled sincerely. "Don't worry about it. You'll understand someday. But I'm really grateful."

The tears halted, and a smile creased his increasingly adorable face. "I... don't quite understand, but... I believe you. Thank you."

I dusted off my skirt and sighed. "But now I suppose we should get around to finding Haruki. Not that I have any idea where he'd be."

But then a familiar voice came to my ears. "Attention, would Colonel Sekiutsu Chiri and Officer Kino Mikoto please report to the detention level 5. All other personell are to remain at their stations until further notice. I repeat, would Colonel..."

As the female voice repeated itself, I remembered something. I stared at my ID badge, which was still pinned to my chest. Colonel Sekiutsu Chiri. That was the name Asahina (older) gave me for this disguise. Was I being called? Wait, then who was the second person that voice was calling? Well, I suppose one sign was as good as any other at this point. Besides, if that voice belonged to who I thought it did...

"I think I know where to go now," I said as I walked back towards the stairs.

Asahina, however, was a little worried. "But how do you--"

"Just trust me."

"No, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just... do you know where the detention levels are?"

"Ah." Well, yes, that was a bit of a problem. I couldn't exactly go up to a guard and ask them for directions. Being an Colonel, I'm assuming I should probably know the layout of the ship already, and it wasn't like there was writing on the wall pointing the way.

The quiet, rapid-fire tapping of computer keys drew my attention to Nagato, who sat at the console.

"Nagato, what are you--"

Before I could ask what he was doing, a large, 3D map of the ship popped up. Ah, yes. I had forgotten. When in doubt, Nagato. Words to live by.

A minute later, I found myself cursing the idiot on-board this ship who decided that A) Elevators were apparently too expensive to install and that B) Female officers should wear high heeled shoes. There should be a law against combining those two ideas. Anyway, after tripping another half dozen times (thankfully Nagato and Asahina at least caught me these times), we came to the detention levels.

It was something of a large room, with intercrossing walkways leading in every direction. We stood over the railing on the highest level, staring down. The bottom floor was flooded with soldiers patrolling the area.

"Psst, in here." A faint whisper came from behind us. Turning around, I saw one of the high-security doors was unlocked, its digital lock glowing with a dim green light. As I stepped near it, the door automatically slid open. The room was dark, but if there was anything to fear, well, at least Nagato would have reacted to it. But as the three of us stepped inside, the door slammed shut, leaving us in total darkness.

"Kyonko," Asahina cried out. "What's going--"

Thump.

The sound of a body gently hitting the floor echoed throughout the room. The lights suddenly came back on, blinding me momentarily. I looked away to see Asahina sprawled out on the floor.

"Asahina! What's wrong?!" I began to panic.

"Don't worry, he'll be fine," a familiar, feminine, and calm voice reassured me. I turned around to see a beautiful face I thought was forever lost to me.

Before me, in a similar military officer's uniform to mine, though with a figure that filled it out in ways I could never hope to, was Asahina (older, female). Beside her, smiling a handsome smile, was another familiar face, another Asahina (older, male).

"W-what's going on here?!" I couldn't help but scream, despite the fact that alerting the shipful of heavily armed guards was probably not in my best interest.

"We'll explain just as soon as the last of the guests arrive. Speaking of which, I believe they're just about here," said Asahina (older, male). The lights dimmed and I was treated to a replay of the previous scene.

"Psst, in here."

The sound of footsteps enterting the room. The door shuts once more.

"Kyon," says a light, feminine voice. "What's going--"

Thump. A body hits the floor.

The lights come back on.

"You!" we both yell in unison.

Before me was me. Kyon (male), that is. And not just him/me. But Nagato (female) was there, too, and the younger (and female) Asahina was now lying right next to her alternate self.

Me and myself began to rub our temples. This was giving me a headache.

"Just what's going on here?" Kyon asked.

"You two were drugged and captured by agents of Multidimensional Microbial Collective," explained Asahina (older, female). "The purpose was to seal away your memories of who you once were."

"Who we once were?" I asked. "So you do remember--"

Both of the older Asahinas shook their heads. "Unfortunately, not," spoke the more masculine of the two. "Several reports from our time indicate that during the night before the incident at the dojo, we disappeared from our respective time-space contiuum. At the time we assumed it was merely interference with our technology due to – well, it gets complicated. Long story short, we were kidnapped, much like you. And we had our memories altered."

"But... why? Why go to all that trouble?" I asked.

"Because we are a threat," the female Asahina noted. "We are friends with Suzumiya and would fight to protect our friend. We wouldn't let them erase our bonds without a fight. But if we forgot who we were and forgot we ever fought the agents of the MBC, they could act without interruption."

One bit of this whole scene was bothering me. Before I could bring it up, however, Kyon did. "How, exactly, do you know all of this?"

"Simple," the two time travelers answered in unison. "You'll tell me all of this when I wake up."

Ow. Time traveler logic.

"But... it's okay," said the male version.

"Because I'm still me," said the female. They continued to speak back and forth.

"My memory may have been altered..."

"But I still know who I am."

"Gender doesn't matter. It's who you are."

"And that can't be changed so easily."

Whoa. They knew they weren't who they used to be, but they still accepted it so easily.

"In any case," explained Asahina (older, male), "Suzumiya Haruki and Suzumiya Haruhi are both here and are in the sector with the highest-security on the ship. We'll need someone to open it from a distance. Fortunately, we have two such people." He walked over to another control panel and brought up a large monitor. On the other side sat two very familiar faces.

"Ah, greetings, Kyon."

"Hello, Kyonko. You look well, all things considered."

Both of the two Koizumi shared the same phony smile.

"Ah, Asahina," said the male Koizumi, "about Tsuruya, thanks to your aid, we successfully evaded all guards and transported both of them to the dimensional gateway. They should both be home and unaware that anything has happened."

"Excellent," Asahina (older, female) exclaimed. "And the other thing?"

"It took some work, but we figured it out thanks to your instructions," said the female Koizumi. "We should have remote access to the room open at any time. In any case, it's unlikely we'd be of much help over there, so we'll stay here and fiddle with the security controls to see if we can't buy you some time before you're discovered. Speaking of which..." she turned to her male counterpart. "Would you be a dear and activate our little trap?"

The male nodded and smiled. "I'd be delighted."

Ugh. Two of them is too much to bear to watch.

"Intruder alert," an alarm screamed. "Intruder alert. Several intruders have been spotted approaching the bridge. All hands, please respond. This is not a drill."

"Well, that's our cue. If you'll excuse us," said Asahina (older, male), we have much to do. "As do you. Leave this room, take an immediate left, and you'll figure out what to do."

"Wait, you're leaving?" Kyon interrupted.

"I'm afraid we have to. We can't be here when we wake up," answered the female. "But don't you worry. I know you'll do just fine. So, until we meet again..." She blew a kiss and with that, the two time travelers left the room.

"Ugh... What happened?" Like clockwork, at that moment the two younger incarnations awoke, struggling to their feet.

"Ah, who are you all?!" They both yelled.

After managing to calm the two of them down, Kyon and I re-explained what we had just heard, ommiting, of course, the parts involving their older halves.

"I'm... still a little confused," said Asahina (female).

Join the club. I haven't understood a damned thing since this whole mess began.

"But we're both with you, Kyon, Kyonko," said Asahina Mitsuuru with a fiery determination in his eyes. "So please, let's hurry! We have to rescue Suzumiya!"

I couldn't have agreed more. I thought back to all that had happened over the course of less than a week. I was trapped in the body of a girl, an experience I'm scared to say is growing more comfortable than I'd like to admit. I was publically humiliated on a beach. I met alternate versions of myself and my friends. I was held at gunpoint, kidnapped, knocked out, nearly brainwashed, and confused out of my mind. And the whole apocalyptic scenario our world faced was none too pleasant, either.

But now, Haruki and Haruhi were both here. They were just down the hall, waiting to be rescued. I don't know how, but we're getting them back and we're getting back home. So things can go back to normal. So I can enjoy my days as a high school student again. So I can beat Koizumi's stupid board games, savour Asahina's fine tea, feel comforted knowing Nagato was watching over me, and deal with whatever Haruhi would throw my way next.

One way or another, this was going to end.

To be continued.


	9. Viewing the Past, Changing the Future

Okay, I know I promised that this would be the last, last, final chapter. Well, like Final Fantasy, it just keeps going. But with less spiky haired fashion disasters and more meta-jokes. As I was writing, I realized I'd gone on for about 20 pages and realized I was only about halfway there to the end and it would take about another week to write if I focused (which I never do). So, instead, here's an update. And since school is out, expect the next chapter to come out very, very soon. And this time I mean it. It will be the last, last chapter for real. (excluding a possible epilogue)

As always, comments: appreciated, Haruhi: Not mine, Me: too lazy, etc.

And for this chapter, a special thanks goes out to Durandall. After I first posted this chapter, Durandall provided some much needed criticism. Thus, I went back and rewrote the last section of this chapter. I feel it is more exciting and more in character through the changes. I hope you agree.

* * *

To put it into an analogy, if this were some fantasy RPG, we'd have just passed the point of no return. No more save points, no more item shops, just a gauntlet of villains between us and the goal. That goal was currently in the form of Suzumiya Haruhi and Suzumiya Haruki, both kidnapped. The villains were the lackeys of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective.

In such a situation, the hero would bravely charge right in, give a few dramatic lines, beat everyone, and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, I wasn't that hero. I didn't have spiky hair and a large sword. My ability to spout one-liners was significantly hampered when I was in mortal peril. I couldn't even really "charge" in, seeing as I was stuck wobbling in high heels.

And, sadly, I was the only one available.

It wasn't all bad, though. I did have allies, at least. Granted, three of them were about as useless in a fight as I was, (in fact, one of them was me, or at least some alternate version of me in my body.) but Nagato was likely all the back up anyone could ever hope for, and we had two of them.

So with my spirits relatively high, I dashed with my companions along the metallic catwalk towards the room that hopefully contained Haruhi and Haruki. I say dashed, but it was more along the lines of a hobble, as I was forced to wear high-heeled shoes which were quickly becoming the bane of my existence. Quickly enough, though, we came to a large, metal door, blocking our path. I call it a door, but in actuality, it seemed to have more in common with a gigantic safe. Bolts thicker than my arm held it firmly in place and there was no sign of a way to open it. There was no handle, no ID scanner, no tumbler, nothing. If it weren't for the fact that Asahina had pointed me in this direction and the overhead sign which read "High Security Zone: No unauthorized personnel," I might have mistaken it for a wall.

And yet, while staring at it, it opened on its own. The floor shook slightly as the door dragged itself noisily back a while before slowly lifting upwards.

Had I been given psychic powers? Or maybe I was a sorcerer (or rather, a sorceress) now. I wouldn't be surprised by anything at this point.

"I've opened the door for you all," echoed the voice of the female half of the Koizumi pair through the speakers of the detention center. "I leave the rest up to you. Please bring our friends back as they were, okay?"

For once, Koizumi and I agreed. "Gotcha," I whispered under my breath.

"Okay, this is it, let's go!" Kyon announced enthusiastically as we stormed the open room.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting to see in that room, but it certainly wasn't a jungle of wires and tubes hanging from every corner of the room, all coming together to form a massive tower. The contraption at the center of the room stood at least 10 meters tall, but one part stood out above all others. At the top of the bizarre structure was a glass sphere filled with liquid.

Suspended in that liquid were two figures, a boy and a girl.

"Haruki!"

"Haruhi!"

Kyon and I screamed together. What surprised us the most was the fact that they seemed to be covered in cybernetic materials. Metal plates, wired helmets and mechanical devices covered their bare bodies.

"What the hell are they doing to them?" I cried out.

Kyon looked at me, adding "Well, whatever it is, it can't be good. We need to get them out."

"Agreed."

"Nagato, can you-"

"WHYYYYYYYYYY..."

Kyon's attempt to ask the two aliens to get Haruhi and Haruki back were interrupted by a loud, booming voice that seemed to come from every direction.

"...Who was that?" I asked as I looked around the room. The two versions of Asahina both shook their heads. Well, it wasn't me, Kyon, either of the time travelers or the aliens, and Koizumi isn't here, so who does that leave?

"WHY... HAS IT COME HERE...?" The voice came again. Every word shook the room just a bit.

The liquid inside the tank with Haruki and Haruhi began to swirl about, twisting and turning until a face appeared. Two sharp eyes and a frowning mouth pressed up against the glass as if a man in a mask were looking directly at us.

"ANSWER. FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAS IT COME? WHAT DOES IT HOPE TO ACHIEVE BY DOING THIS?"

Both versions of Asahina cried out and fell to their knees. "What is that thing?"

"IT ANSWERS OUR QUESTIONS WITH A QUESTION. VERY WELL. I WILL HUMOR IT."

The water, or whatever it was, inside the tank above us began to swirl once more, erasing the face. At the same time, liquid seeped out of the floor before us, growing into a column which morphed into the shape of a man. A featureless man, anyway. Unless you count being mostly transparent a feature.

"It may ask me any question it desires. We only ask that it answers mine in return."

The same voice came from the small 'man,' but without the booming echo that shook the ship.

"Who... or what... are you, exactly?" I'm not sure knowing who we were up against would really be of any use, but I had to know.

"We are the guardians of all worlds. We are the ones who are infinite. We exist on all planes. We are the keepers of order."

Well, that told me exactly nothing. But I had a guess already.

"Are you the Multidimensional Microbial Collective?"

The creature, if it was truly a creature, before me stared back for a moment with a look that made Nagato seem downright emotional by comparison.

"We have no name. We simply are. What it refers to us as is inconsequential."

I'll take that as a yes.

"Wh-what are you doing to our friends?" cried an emotional female Asahina, who was now hugging the knees of Kyon. Dammit. I was getting jealous of myself.

"It does not grasp the gravity of the situation. We are troubled by this," spoke the MMC. "We merely act to fix what has been made wrong. For this, we required the ones responsible."

"Don't give me that crap," Kyon erupted in a burst of anger moments before I could. "This only happened because you sent your stupid minions to screw with our friends!"

But the MMC was unfazed by Kyon's emotions, simply staring back as it calmly said, "It is our duty to monitor all worlds for anomalies and to investigate their causes. The fact that there was such a hostile reaction to such petty stimulus only proves the dangers of the powers these beings possess. Humans are creatures of instinct and emotion. To leave such dangerous weapons would be to make destruction and chaos inevitable."

Unfortunately, he had a point. From the moment I learned of her abilities, I knew Haruhi was trouble. I've seen just how much trouble she can create first hand. The fact that I was no longer a man was also due to her powers. The fact that two worlds were about to collide was also, at least partially, her fault.

"Now that I have answered its questions," spoke the MMC in a slow, monotonous tone, "please answer mine. Why has it come here? What does it hope to accomplish? Why did it escape from the worlds I had created for it?"

"What worlds are you talking about?" Could he mean those dreams I saw inside that weird tank?

"Humans desire the unobtainable. They dream of worlds that cannot be. As long as they yearn for that which they cannot have, they will continue to suffer. It was granted a release from this futility. It was given a world constructed from its innermost desires, to be its haven until our work was completed. But it rejected its refuge. Instead, it awoke from its slumber. It came here. It now stands before us, opposing the natural order. We wish to understand the reason for its actions."

So, wait, that world I was in, where I was dating Haruki, that's my 'innermost desire?' Oh, there are so many things wrong with that my head doesn't even know where to start.

...But then, the future versions of Asahina said I would... with Haruki and... argh! This is not the time to be thinking about this crap!

"It wasn't real," Kyon said calmly while I was going insane. "You say it's what we wanted most, but it doesn't mean a thing if it's just an illusion." I suppose from what he says that means he, too, was rescued from a tank of goo. It'd be interesting to see what his ultimate desire was.

"Irrelevant and pointless," lectured the MMC with all the enthusiasm and emotion of a brick. "To a human, reality is a construct made of electrical signals to the brain. Humans cannot differentiate between reality and fantasy. The delusion of awareness of the universe has lead it to act irrationally."

"That's not true!" I turned to see the source of the voice that came from behind me. It was the male Asahina, standing as tall as he could while his body trembled. "We can tell fantasy from reality! We can tell in our hearts. We can sense when something is wrong." He scowled angrily, but his baby-like face seemed incapable of being intimidating. "I... I remember now. I thought it was just a dream, but it was you who made me think that I... that I could be together with..." He shook his head. "Don't say you were doing us a favor, dangling our dreams in front of our faces!"

But the thing before us didn't respond to Asahina's outburst. It simply continued to stare blankly with its empty sockets.

Asahina didn't take kindly to the sudden silent treatment. "Well, say something for yourself!"

"It... has begun."

The world around us began to tremble. The walls, the floor, even the air around us seemed to dissolve into nothingness. I tried to gasp, only to find that there was no oxygen left to take in. The ground beneath my feet vanished. My sight left me. I couldn't hear anything. It was like I was deprived of every sense at once.

And as suddenly as they left me, they returned. Like a freight train colliding with me, I found myself back on solid ground. Looking around, everyone was here. I mean everyone. Asahina, Nagato, even Koizumi, the MMC, Haruhi and Haruki, still in their steel tower, and a lot of guards, all of them pointing their weapons directly at us.

"What was that?" I asked, looking around as a cold sweat dripped down my forehead.

"Have you forgotten?" asked a familiar voice. "Our Master controls the very nature of matter and space. Did you really think you could sneak around our ship unnoticed? Did you think you could just lock us in another sector of the ship and we'd be trapped?"

Youji stood in front of me, personally pointing his gun at my face.

And, actually, yes, I was kind of thinking that. I usually count on the spacial laws to stay pretty constant.

"Well, now you've got us cornered, so now what?" Kyon asked, holding his hands above his head.

"We didn't intend for any of you to break out," Youji explained. "But since you're all here, you can witness what your negligence has wrought."

Pointing up to the sky, I could see now that the room had been reconstructed into a dome, with a glass ceiling that showed the two dimensions we knew so well in their half-collided forms. At that moment, however, we could see the two orbs visibly trembling.

Then it happened. In the blink of an eye, without a sound, the two worlds impacted. The twin orbs floating in nothingness, the worlds that contained our families and friends formed one larger sphere, growing larger, larger, until... it couldn't contain itself anymore and collapsed.

Everything.

Everyone.

It was all gone. In the time it takes take a single breath, we lost it all into an empty void.

I fell to my knees, unable to process exactly what it was that I had just witnessed. My parents. My little sister, or brother, or whatever. Even that moron Taniguchi. Every last one of them was gone.

A pair of hands fell onto my shoulders. Looking back, it was Kyon. He pulled me in, and I started to, embarrassingly enough, cry. It was enough to make me forget how awkward it is to console yourself in such a manner.

"Now does it understand the foolishness of its actions?" The Multidimensional Microbial Collective spoke addressed us again. "But despair not, for what is gone is not lost."

I removed my face from Kyon's uniform to look up as the MMC raised itself skyward and submerged itself into the glass ball that contained Haruhi and Haruki. Power surged through the steel tower, as the wires connected to the two versions of Haruhi began to emit a blue aura. Arcs of electricity surged through the air.

Then as if someone hit the rewind button on the universe, the worlds we knew un-imploded and separated themselves once more. Just like that, they sat apart from each other like every other light in the sky.

Kyon and I looked at each other before staring back at the sky in disbelief. What, exactly, just happened?

"They have learned to tap into Suzumiya's powers with this machine." Unexpectedly, it was Nagato, both of them, who spoke up first. "The device before us released a burst of data similar to the ones we've witnessed before."

Wait. What? "Are you telling me they can replicate Haruhi's... whatever it is Haruhi does?"

The lavender-haired alien twins shook their heads. "That is not possible. The machine before us merely manipulates Suzumiya's mind. In essence, it wills Suzumiya into doing its work."

More brainwashing then? My earlier comparison of this group of dimension-hopping lunatics to a cult was more accurate than I realized. Though I suppose it did sort of save everyone we ever knew from destruction, so I couldn't be too mad. "So, uh, I see then that our worlds are back in order," I noted out loud. "I guess that means everything is wrapped up. So, if it's all right with you, how about we take our friends back, and we go home, okay?"

The sound of multiple rifles being simultaneously aimed directly at me echoed throughout the room. I didn't really expect that was going to work.

The two aliens in the room moved closed to me and Kyon, seemingly ready to defend us if it came to it.

"Now now. It's quite all right. You two can stand down. We have no intention of hurting anyone here. We're not bad guys, really," spoke Youji in a haughty tone that made my fist instinctively clench. And what's that about not being 'bad guys?' Oh, so you're the _good_ type of heavily-armed kidnappers who brainwash people?

"Then what exactly is it that you do intend to do?" I asked.

"Well, that's something I've already told you."

"Please refresh my memory, then."

"Very well. Your friend Suzumiya's powers are virtually unlimited. That power nearly destroyed two worlds. Thankfully, with our resources, we reversed the damage. But what about next time? What if Suzumiya desires the destruction of the entire multiverse? Are you willing to leave that to chance?"

Actually, I'd done some thinking on that very subject. My response?

Yes.

Call it selfish. Call it stupid. Call it whatever you like. I was willing to gamble with the fate of everyone and everything because I knew Haruhi. And I knew Haruhi would never want that. The only reason that things got as messed up as they did was because the ones acting all holier-than-thou in front of me wanted to test Haruhi and make her do something she normally wouldn't. Because they used her as a test subject and it backfired. And now they claim she's the dangerous one?

Forget it. Of all the things in the universe, these reality-warping morons are much, much more dangerous. Haruhi never went around with assault rifles, capturing people, erasing their memories, and then attacking those who resist. So screw it and screw you. I'm not going to help you!

"I'm sorry to hear that." Youji sighed deeply. "It is indeed unfortunate that you won't help us, but not altogether unforeseen. That's why we had to take you captive in the first place. We knew you wouldn't help us willingly. So we planned to have your minds written over so you'd forget all of this ever happened. Then we'd be free to operate without you interfering."

I raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "How could we interfere?"

"You have influence with Suzumiya. That alone marks you as a threat. With that alone, you could wipe us from existence. Even after his and her powers were removed, who knows if you could find a way to undo what we would do? It would not be the first time you chose a world of chaos over a world of stability and order. For that reason, you were to forget we had ever met. To simply assume that Suzumiya's powers had diminished with time until they were gone."

I couldn't truly argue with what he had said. I did once see a world where Haruhi was powerless. A world where everything was normal. No aliens. No time travelers. No espers. No secret organizations. No sliders. No murder mysteries. No psychic powers, worlds filled with giant bugs, and certainly no swapping bodies with alternate versions of yourself. Everything was normal. Haruhi was a normal, if eccentric, high school girl. Asahina was just my beautiful senior. Koizumi was still kind of annoying, but his days were spent at another school, chasing after Haruhi. And Nagato was a cute, but extraordinarily shy, girl who spent her days reading.

It was everything I had wanted since I first found out about Haruhi's bizarre gift. It was an ordinary life. And what was I but a normal, ordinary, plain, run-of-the-mill lazy high school boy? Now look at me. Look what Haruhi's powers had done. I wasn't even a boy anymore. I was stuck in a girl's body and had to deal with all that entailed as well as dimension-hopping, gun-totting freaks.

But, all the same, I rejected that normal world once. And I'd do it again without a second thought.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Kyon said, affirming that his heart was indeed the same as mine. "But even if you erased my mind, I'd still fight back. You say this world is chaotic? Well, that's fine by me. So, screw you guys! You're not going to do a damn thing to our friends!" Well said.

"On that we agree," Youji said reaching into his suit, pulling out a strange device resembling a detonator. "Because you're going to do it for us."

"Ah!" Both Asahina squeaked quietly upon seeing the jerk's newest toy.

"And how do you suppose you can get us to do your dirty work?" I asked. Immediately, every guard in the room stepped closer and aimed their rifles at me and Kyon. Oh, right. They have us captive.

"It would have been easier had you complied and delivered to us the TPDD from your friends, but when we captured your time-jumping companions, we managed to copy the technology sufficiently, anyway." With that, Youji pressed a button on his device and the space before me began to warp and shift.

Energy twisted and flowed, altering the space in front of me until I saw a field. A dark, empty field, devoid of life save one lone figure in the distance, moving around frantically. Then I realized what it was I saw.

It was the night at the field outside Haruhi's old school. The night she spelled out 'I am here' in an alien tongue on the field. And the night I helped her.

"Now move." A guard behind me shoved me with the side of his rifle, pushing me nearly into the time-space portal. Behind me, the nervous squeals of Asahina echoed through the wide open room. Nagato, on the other hand, wasn't nervous. Instead, I could feel almost a killing intent emanating from both of the normally serene male and female aliens.

I turned my head back to watch my extraterrestrial friends vanish into thin air. Before I can react, the sound of a body hitting the floor echoes in the room. The guard who just shoved me was struck down in one blow, knocking him unconscious. No, not just him. A dozen soldiers hit the ground at once.

Another thud. And another. And another. Before my heart could give a single beat, nearly every guard in the room had suffered a blow from one of the two quiet aliens.

And then they were stopped. Mere centimeters from Youji's face, the aliens met a barrier that quickly encased them. They were left floating in the air, as if stuck inside a large blue bubble.

Youji sighed disappointingly. "I had hoped your two friends here would have been reasonable and seen the necessity of what we are doing. But I suppose it can't be helped." He approached me and picked up the gun of a fallen guard and aimed it at me.

"Ladies first," he said with a smirk.

I looked at the cowering Asahina pair, the trapped Nagato, and finally at Kyon whose sullen look matched my own. I suppose at this point I was pretty much going to have to comply.

My feet made a rough transition from the hard, metallic floor to the soft, wet grass. I turned around to see the gateway close, leaving me standing in an open field, alone, save a gun-totting jerk standing in front of me.

"Let me explain how this is going to work," Youji said, never lowering his weapon even the slightest. "This is your former world, the field where Suzumiya will come to. We never figured out how she did what she did, what gave her these dangerous powers, but we know it happened here on this date." His face twisted into a smile that said that he was in total control of the situation. The kind of self-satisfied grin that makes anyone who sees it want to slap it off its owners smug face. "You're going to stop that from happening. Then I'll take you back and your other half will do the same."

"And how, exactly, do you expect me to stop Haruhi from gaining her powers?" I asked.

"Don't know, don't care. Talk to Suzumiya. Sabotage her operations before they begin. Scare her away. Just get it done. Because if you don't, then we're going to deal with Suzumiya my way, the way I had planned to from the beginning."

I didn't need to ask what his 'method' was. But I did anyway.

"So if I don't stop Haruhi, what do you do?"

"I kill her."

That's what I thought. And I can't let that happen, but I also can't change the past. So I just need to play along for now until I can think of, well, something. But what should I do in the meantime? I slipped my hands into my pockets out of habit and noticed something there. I pulled out a folded piece of paper. Quietly, I unfolded it and saw it was a note in Asahina's handwriting. When did...? Nevermind.

"Kyon, go to the storage shed. Find a weapon in the toolbox. -Asahina"

I quickly shoved the note back into my pocket and started walking towards the shed.

"Hold it. Before You go anywhere, I want to know what it is you plan to do."

"The supply shed. I, uh, need some tools. I have an idea."

"Fine, but don't try anything stupid."

Unfortunately, just about everything I could think to do at this point was suicidally stupid.

The door to the storage shed was, thankfully, unlocked. As I pulled open the rusty door, I flicked on an old lamp. The room was a disaster area of machines, tools and equipment, scattered about recklessly. But right at the front of the room was something I recognized. A machine for spreading the lines on a baseball diamond. What was it called...? Never mind, it doesn't matter. But what does matter is that Haruhi should come here soon to use this to write on the field.

But first, the note said I needed to get something from the tool box. I walked to the corner of the shed and found it covered in dirt and grime. Opening it up, there was another note. 'Take this' was written on it, with a downward arrow pointing at a large wrench in the box.

An idea hit me.

"Haruhi is going to take this thing here," I pointed at the chalk machine. "But if it were to be out of commission when she got here..."

"Are you telling me the power to alter reality came from a stupid chalk laying machine?"

"You mean you didn't know?"

"We only knew that Suzumiya Haruhi came to this field. At the time, there was no reason to monitor the region closely. We only knew what had happened after the fact."

So, despite their claims otherwise, this Multidimensional whatever isn't all-knowing and all-seeing. That's good to know. If I was up against something like the Integrated Data Sentient Entity, I'd be in trouble. But it seems these guys can't see through time and that means they don't know about what will happen tonight.

I reach into the tool box and grab a screwdriver and the wrench, sliding the latter of the two into a pocket, I approached the device and sat down. Pretending to work on it, I reach for the wheels under it. "If I can just unscrew the wheels, we can hide them someplace... ungh..." Fortunately, pretending wasn't actually necessary. The machine was pretty old and the screws that held the wheels in place had begun to rust. I couldn't loosen them a little.

"Do you think you could give me a hand with this?" I asked.

"...What's the problem?"

"I'm not strong enough to turn the screws on my own."

Youji snickered. "That's pretty pathetic."

I shot him an icy stare. "Whose fault was it that I was trapped in this girl's body?"

"Ugh, fine, fine. If it will shut you up and get this over with, I'll help." Holding his gun in his left hand, he got down on his knees and took the screwdriver from me, looking under the chalk spreader intently.

It was my chance. He dropped his guard. I pulled the wrench from my pocket and held it up high. Without a word, I brought it down with all my might right on Youji's thick skull.

Only he raised his left arm and blocked my attack with his forearm. My sneak attack had failed. Not only that, but he quickly dropped the screwdriver and grabbed the wrench from my hand, tossing it towards the entrance.

"That was a dumb move." He grabbed me by the hair and yanked me upwards. Hey, that's no way to treat a girl! "You had a chance to make everything right. A chance to leave the world in a safer place. And you threw it away because of some misconceived notion of loyalty to your supposed friends."

"Yeah, that sounds like something I'd do." Joking was really the only thing I could do to keep myself from passing out from fear. I was about to die, wasn't I?

I received a punch to the left cheek, sending me straight to the ground. As I rolled around in pain, a foot continually slammed into my gut, causing me to cry out in pain.

"Stupid... stupid girl..." Youji was irate. I had the feeling he never wanted to even give me a chance to do it myself. "Now your friend has to die. But before that..." His beatings stopped momentarily. I looked up to see a rifle pointed straight in my face. "Don't feel bad," he said with a sinister smirk. "This is really for the best."

How reassuring.

I shut my eyes tight. I didn't have the nerves to look a gun down the barrel before it would fire.

Clang. Thud.

Two sounds rang out, and neither of them sounded like a gunshot. Then again the fact that I was still alive enough to hear them suggested that they weren't the sounds of my imminent demise. As several seconds went by, I worked up the nerves to open one eye and saw instead of a gloating homicidal maniac I instead saw one unconscious homicidal maniac and one older Asahina Mikuru brandishing a wrench.

"Well, we seem to keep running into each other this night, don't we?" My savior smiled with a glow that made me think that truly she must be an angel. My relief was short lived, however, as she quickly pushed me along to a set of lockers in the corner, opened the door, and shoved me in. "Please be quiet for just a minute. We can't be seen."

Through the slits in the locker, I watched as Asahina dragged the comatose Youji to the locker beside me, throwing him up and sealing it shut. She then turned off the light, moved behind a pile of scrap metal and ducked down.

A minute passed. Then another. And another. Just as I was about to speak up and ask what it was we were hiding from, I saw it. Or rather, her. Suzumiya Haruhi, still in middle school, entered the shed. She turned on the light, grabbed the chalk-line machine and headed out the door, looking back only for a moment, as if she felt our eyes on her.

After the lights went out and the door was shut, a minute passed before Asahina got up and opened the door to my locker. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up," she said smiling gently. "And don't worry about your 'friend' here. Some agents will be by to take him into custody very shortly."

The older time-traveler took me by the hand and escorted me through the empty, dark halls of the middle-school to the nurses office. When I got there, I saw what she meant by getting me cleaned up. My cheeks and clothes had a fresh layer of blood on them and my face and stomach were slightly bruised where Youji had struck me.

"Ow ow ow!" I winced as she applied anti-septic to my cheek.

"I know it hurts, but you need to hold still. Just about... there. Now, take off your shirt so we can take care of your other wounds.

I could feel the blood rushing to my already pained cheeks at the request. I tugged down tightly on my stained officer's disguise.

But Asahina just laughed politely. "Don't be so nervous, we're both girls here." A fact I wish everyone would stop reminding me of. But I begrudgingly removed my top and laid back onto the bed and let Asahina work on my cuts and bruises.

After some time of awkward silence, I spoke up. "Say, Asahina..."

"Yes?"

"I don't know if I want to know the answer to this or not but..."

"Kyonko, I can't tell you much about the future, but I am authorized to let you know that things will not be restored to normal. As I will tell you on the ship, history will decree that we will not switch back to our original bodies."

My head dropped down. Yeah, she told me this before, but somehow a glimmer of hope still remained in me. But the fact finally hit me that I'd never be a boy again. I sat up as Asahina finished her treatment and looked down at my partially-clad body to realize that this was my new life.

A gentle hand petted my head softly as Asahina looked into my eyes and smiled brightly. "Now, don't look like that. I want you to remember, your body is just a shell. Who you are will not change because your heart is all that matters."

Despite the fact that her lines felt like they were ripped directly from a magical girl anime, I knew she was speaking the truth. I tried to smile for her, but instead tears began to fall. The next thing I knew I was face first in her bosom, sobbing quietly.

"It's okay. It's okay," she consoled me. "I know it's still tough to deal with. I wish I could tell you more, but all I can say is that you will be happy, regardless. You will be very happy. Please trust me on that."

I lifted me head up and nodded gently. I did trust her. But when I thought of my kid sister, how I'd never see her again, it hurt. Yes, I had a kid brother now, and 'he' was 'her' but it was still bothering me.

"Oh, and there's something I'd like you to see," said Asahina.

"What's that?"

"The cause of everything. It may give you some closure before we return to the ship."

"...All right. Show me."

"Good, just close your eyes and try to relax."

I shut my eyes and laid myself back onto the bed and felt my consciousness slip away.

The rays of the sun pouring through the window barraged my eyelids bringing me back to the land of the living. Wait, sunlight? But it was just nighttime, specifically the night of Tanabata. And as I sat up and looked around, this wasn't the same nurse's office that I went to sleep in. It was a nurse's office, but I recognized it as the one at my school.

"Well, good morning. I hope you slept well." The voice that greeted me was that of the older Asahina, now dressed in a somewhat revealing nurse's outfit. The fact that one look at her in such a state immediately filled me with feelings of envy and inadequacy instead of lust made me feel even worse.

"What happened?"

"This is where it all began. Approximately a week before all this business with dimensional collisions and soul swapping began."

"Here? At school?" I looked around. Everything seemed normal for here. Hey, wait, when did I lose my officer's uniform and dress up in my school uniform?

"Oh, that? I changed your clothes after I brought you here."

My face began to burn in embarrassment. "Hey, don't feel to embarrassed." The large time traveler got back on her feet and wrapped her arms around me, gently caressing my head. This had the unfortunate side effect of placing me face first in her chest, which did little to soothe my jealousy.

"Ah," sighed Asahina in a rare moment of bliss. "You're just so adorable as a girl I can't stand it! You're going to be very popular with the boys."

I don't think Asahina realized that to someone who just recently lost his manhood, that is not a very reassuring thing to hear. Oh well. What does it matter.

"Now, Kyonko. Remember, you're just here to observe what happened. You can't interfere. And most likely, interfering with time would not change things, anyway. Changing the future is not impossible, but it is very difficult. Just keep that in mind." She handed me a slip of paper. "This pass will give you free access to the school without anyone realizing that you don't exist in the school database."

"That's all well and good, but just where am I supposed to go?"

"Just follow Suzumiya, and the answer will come to you. Now, go on! I'll be here if you need me." With that said, Asahina sat back down at the infirmary desk like it was the most natural place in the world for her to be.

I quickly glanced at the clock. Any second now...

The bell rang. Lunch time.

And one constant at this school was that you could count on Haruhi to wander around during lunch. She wasn't one to sit still during a break like I was. Which means I need to find her quick before the break ends.

Running down the hall, which was considerably easier with my school shoes back on, I made a beeline for our classroom. Sure enough, as I rounded the last corner, I saw someone familiar. Coming out of the door to the class and headed the other way was our SOS Brigade Chief. I walked casually behind her , stopping briefly to look into the room to see myself talking to a very annoying Taniguchi. I, that is, the other me, casually looked out the open class door and saw me staring back. A chill ran up my spine. I was looking at me, looking at myself. I quickly moved out of his, err... my view.

Come to think of it, I vaguely recall seeing a girl like me walk past about a week ago. The more I thought about it, the better the memory became. I remember an unfamiliar girl walking by, looking at me. I seem to recall thinking she must be new, as there was no way I'd forget seeing someone who looked that damn good in a ponytail.

Oh god. I just ogled myself. I feel so unclean.

Dammit, Kyon, this isn't the time! Haruhi is getting away!

I dodged the crowds of kids moving each way. Fortunately, eating in your classroom was the popular choice, so I didn't have too many people to worry about. I quickly caught up to Haruhi, but kept enough distance between us so that she wouldn't get suspicious. If what I've heard is true, Youji will make an appearance soon and he'll say something that will set this whole mess into motion. I just have to wait and see it for myself.

Haruhi ran up a flight of stairs. I followed. She ran down the hall. I followed. Then she went back down another flight of stairs. Where was she going?

Before I knew what was going on, we'd walked aimlessly around the school for five minutes. Finally, Haruhi went inside the door to the clubroom. Damn. I can't follow her inside.

As those words crossed my mind, the door to the SOS Brigade clubroom flew open and a hand came out, grabbed me by the arm and dragged me inside.

"Tell me who you're working for!" Haruhi pushed my back into the wall and pinned me there by my shoulders.

"Wait, huh?"

"Don't play dumb!" Despite the anger in her voice, Haruhi's face was lit up with a smile like a kid on her birthday.

The interrogation continued. "So, who is it? The student council sent you, didn't you? That's why you were following me, just waiting for the moment to strike, eh? Well, it won't work! So tell your slimy boss that he'll never take down the SOS Brigade!"

"But I'm not-"

"Not from the student council, eh? Then, who sent you? A government spy, maybe? A special branch of the Japanese Self-Defense Force? Or maybe you're from the Illuminati! Majestic-12? Who do you work for?"

Oh man, I was scared out of my mind. I backed into the wall, trying so hard to get away.

"Answer me!" Haruhi pounded the wall.

"...She is a friend." In a voice that could barely be heard, Nagato, who had been sitting in the corner reading her book, came to my rescue.

"Huh?" Haruhi and I were both stunned.

"...I asked her to come here." Without even looking up from her thick novel, Nagato came up with a perfect excuse. You truly are my personal guardian angel.

"That... That's right." I nodded. "N-Nagato asked me to... to come here during lunch and I... uh... I didn't know where the clubroom was so..."

Haruhi sighed disappointingly. "Yeah. I get it, so you followed me, thinking I'd lead you here." She kicked the wall hard. "Dammit, I thought I'd found some secret government agency. Or at least another chance to pester the student council. Anyway, next time you follow somebody, make sure you're part of some conspiracy first!"

...Yeah, I'll get right on that.

As Haruhi let me go, I decided if I was going to stick around, I need to act casual. Nagato, apparently, 'asked me to come over' so there was only one thing to do. I walked over to the bookshelf, grabbed a book, and took a seat next to Nagato.

A few minutes passed as I attempted to read the random sci-fi novel I'd picked up, but considering the circumstances, I found concentrating on the book to be difficult, what with having just come from an inter-galactic star ship where we were all held at gunpoint and realizing I'd be returning there shortly. It didn't help that Haruhi had taken a seat across the table and was staring at me relentlessly.

"Hey, what's your name?" Suddenly, Haruhi asks me a question I hadn't thought of.

I pull a name out off the top of my head. "Hidaka Sayuri."

"Huh. Never heard of you. And I took a close look at every name in the student records at the beginning of this year." Dammit, Haruhi, stop being so thorough and observant!

"I, uh, just moved here."

"Is that so? Where'd you move from? Where do you live now? How'd you get to know Yuki so well that she'd invite you over?"

My forehead was soaked in cold sweat. How the hell would I respond to such a barrage of questions? Hell, a normal person _not_ trying to pass themselves off as a stranger would fumble at such an interrogation.

But my savior came in an unusual form as the door knocked. Opening up, a handsome boy in a different school's uniform stepped in. "Excuse me, but is there a Suzumiya Haruhi here?"

Haruhi jumped from her chair and walked to the door. "Who's asking?"

"Ah, of course. How terribly rude of me," said the boy with a small bow.

But he didn't have to introduce himself to me. My nails dug into the spine of the book in my hands when I saw Youji's face

"My name is Amano Souta. I'm an acquaintance of your friend Kyon."

The urge to take the novel in my hands and tear it into shreds became almost irresistible at that moment. What lies was this bastard here to spread now?

"Oh, really? Who cares." Haruhi shrugged off Youji... err... 'Souta's' comment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bore you. It's just... when I heard you were also acquainted with him, I felt it best to come here to warn you."

"Warn me about what?"

"Do not fall in love with him."

WHAM!

Haruhi launched herself into the air, delivering a picture perfect drop kick to his chest, sending the all-too-deserving boy flying backwards into the wall where he slumped down. But Haruhi didn't let him rest. She grabbed him by the collar and lifted him to his feet, gnashing her teeth all the while.

I should note that the only reason I was not doing the same thing to the bastard at that moment was because Haruhi beat me to it.

"You've sure got a lot of nerves to come into my Brigade headquarters not only to give me orders, but to speak so casually of our internal affairs as if you knew anything. As for love, I have no time for such nonsense. So give me one good reason why I shouldn't open that door and launch you through it?" The rage in her voice was crystal clear. Even more so when she added, "Speak quickly."

But Youji just laughed to himself. "Temper, temper. Must have hit a bulls-eye somewhere there."

KILL. KILL. KILL.

Haruhi stood still for a moment, but there was an aura surrounding her. An aura that made me get out of my seat and back away slowly, covering myself with my book.

But Haruhi didn't kill him. Unfortunately. As entertaining as that was, instead, she made good on her threat. She opened the door to the club room and prepared to toss that worthless scumball out on his ass.

"Well, all I was here to say is you're not his type, anyway."

And Haruhi stopped. Her face was still filled with rage, but I watched as her lips twisted and turned in a Kafka-esque manner into a sinister-looking smile.

"Oh, is that so? You know, you're pretty funny. So go on, say what you have to say. I could use a good laugh before I throw you out."

With the aura of death surrounding Haruhi slowly retreating, my courage built up again, enough to confront her. "No, no, I think you were better off throwing him out."

"Nobody asked you. And I'm not done with you yet, so just wait your turn." Okay, so, plan A, prevent Haruhi from talking to Youji, ended in complete failure. Plan B, so far, consists of sitting there quietly and listening until I come across plan C.

Youji straightened his tie and smirked. "Thank you. Now, you see, what you need to know is that despite how he seems, Kyon is..."

"He is...?" Haruhi leaned forward.

"Kyon's really a total homo."

WHAM.

The one delivering a painful blow to Youji this time was not Haruhi's feared dropkick. Instead, a hardcover book found its way across the room and the spine crushed the lying bastard's nose. Shortly thereafter, a young, pony-tailed girl sat on his chest, slamming the already battered boy's head repeatedly into the floor until he stopped moving.

"Don't you dare go spreading such horrible lies about me!" I cried at the top of my lungs.

The only sound that filled the room was the sound of cold sweat dripping from my forehead. Did I really just say that out loud?

A hand gently touched my shoulder. That gentle touch then became a life-crushing squeeze as I was pulled from the body of the unconscious boy. "So, what was that you just said?" Haruhi held me by my convenient ponytail handle and gazed into my eyes as a lion looks upon an injured gazelle. "To me, it sounded something like "'Don't spread lies about me.' But he wasn't talking about you. So, why would you say that?"

The droplets of cold sweat flowing down my forehead formed a stream as my mind looked for a hundred different excuses.

"I'm not an idiot. I can see what's going on here," said Haruhi with a grin. "You were stalking me. A girl who shouldn't exist at this school, yet does. And your mannerisms seem familiar, too. It doesn't take a genius to see what's going on here. You're Kyon!"

My jaw hung open. This. Is. Bad. This is very, very bad. Asahina, if you've got some sort of memory erasing beam or some other futuristic device on your person, now would be a really, really good time to come on in and use it. Or else I don't want to know what kind of effects this will have on the world.

"The only question is... why would somebody make and release an obviously imperfect clone of Kyon? And why Kyon of all people?"

Huh?

"My first thought would be that you were sent by aliens. But would aliens have technology that could perfectly stamp out perfect copies. But what if the genetic sample they used was incomplete? Or maybe it was meant to be incomplete, because a perfect duplicate would arouse suspicion? That makes sense. But I can't rule out the idea that it's a government project, too. Like, altering their genes so they're not the same, but having the same memories so that the original won't get suspicious? But what would Kyon know that the government... of course, me!"

After her breathless display of conspiracy-theory logic, Haruhi, smiling from ear to ear, approached me. "So, I've figured out what you are!"

"And what, exactly, am I?" I truly wanted to know what contrived idea she had gotten.

"Obviously the government has no interest in Kyon. But in order to get to me, they went through him. Capturing him in the dead of the night and trained him to answer their every call when a certain stimuli was administered. But the problem was that Kyon could never get close enough to me, because he was way too far down the command chain of the brigade. So instead, they took a genetic sample and modified it to create a female version, who could ambush me in the women's room or locker room! It's so obvious!"

I was at a lost for words. Truly, she had lost her mind. I'd say she was having delusions of grandeur if it weren't for the fact the universe did, in fact, bend to her whims.

"Thankfully I stayed up last night watching that movie series about evil clones, or I might not have seen this coming."

Oh, well, then that explains it. But I couldn't let this go on.

"If that's the case, and I'm really a clone of this Kyon... person, then why did I attack that... huh? Where'd he go?" Haruhi and I looked to the spot where Youji had, until moments ago, lay unconscious on the floor. There was nothing there.

Haruhi shrugged her shoulders. "Must have snuck out when we weren't looking."

_That's _all you have to say about that? I get the conspiracy theory treatment from one slip of the tongue and a disappearing body gets a 'oh, he left?' Life isn't fair.

"Besides, who cares about him? Not when I have a real life vat-grown secret project created genetically modified clone right in front of me!"

"But I'm not a clone!" I cried out. "The truth is I'm really... I'm really..." You know, I probably should have thought of a probable excuse before blurting that out.

"You're really what?" Haruhi wore a self-confident smirk that suggested that she wouldn't buy my story no matter what, but I gave it a shot.

"I'm... really Kyon's old girlfriend!" Yeah, that'll work! "I moved away, but now I'm back. And... I heard that he was in your club, so I decided to follow you and see if you'd lead me to him. Then this guy comes in and starts bad mouthing my love and I-"

"That's a bunch of garbage!" Haruhi stood triumphantly pointing at me. "There's no way Kyon could ever get a cute girlfriend!"

An awkward combination of a compliment and an insult, like a gentle hug followed by an arrow through the heart. I sat back down in my chair sighing as I contemplated the complicated nature of that statement.

"In fact, you're just _too_ damn cute." Haruhi began circling around me, the look on her lips like that of a wolf approaching an injured deer.

"Haruhi, you're scaring—Kyaa!" A pair of hands wrapped around me from behind, squeezing my breasts.

"Nothing like Mikuru here," she said calmly, "but your charm is... Dammit, how could Kyon make such a damn cute girl? Come here, you!"

The next thing I knew, I was shoved to the floor with hands groping me everywhere.

Oh, my dearest Asahina, I pray you forgive me. Forgive me for any joy I may have ever taken in watching Haruhi sexually assault you and know that I feel your pain.

When my senses returned to me, and the shell-shock wore off, I got to my feet. I was dressed in Asahina's maid costume. Fortunately we had similar measurements, save for... obvious places.

Haruhi stood in front of me with a video camera, beaming with joy. "My first experience with a real-life clone! And she's filled with that moe-factor! It's a dream come true!"

By this point, I'd given up resisting. So I was a clone, according to Haruhi. I was also now her personal dress-up doll, in Asahina's absence. Believe what you want, Haruhi.

"But now comes the important part," she said as she approached me. I sighed to myself and spread my arms out. What's next? The waitress outfit? The bunnygirl costume? What did it matter? I had no dignity left to lose.

Instead, she placed a hand on my shoulder and looked serious. "I won't allow what they've done to you. Or to Kyon."

"Eh?" Okay, now I'm confused.

"Clone or not, you're a person. And that person happens to be a member of my S.O.S. Brigade. Even if it is just Kyon. And I won't stand for a member of my crew to be experimented on and brainwashed into performing some evil organization's agenda! So, tell me where your base is located. Tell me where they made you, and I'll see to it that it's taken down permanently!"

...And finally it all clicks into place. I could see that there was only one way out of this situation, and that was to play along.

"...Okinawa," I mumbled. "The base is in Okinawa."

"I knew it!"

Liar.

"But you could never defeat them," I said in my best damsel-in-distress voice. "They're too strong."

But Haruhi smiled back. "Then we'll get stronger. We'll train over Golden Week and become tougher. And when they show themselves, we'll stand ready."

"...I see. Then, I place my trust in you." Gods, I can't believe the crap I'm spewing.

"I need to go talk to Tsuruya!" Haruhi was acting like a five-year-old on a sugar rush. I could practically see her trembling with excitement. "I think she's got a place in Okinawa! Oh, this is going to be perfect!"

Haruhi made for the door to the clubroom but turned back before she left. "Oh, and you, the clone?" I lifted my head and looked back at the insane brigade leader. "Stay safe. We'll get those guys. You can bet on it." The door shut.

Silence prevailed in the now emptier room.

Until, that is, under the stress, I began to laugh.

"Ha ha... heh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" I was shaking all over, nearly falling to the ground. It was simply too stupid. Was it a joke? If it was, it wasn't funny. But I laughed anyway.

It all made sense now. Youji thought he was the one who started this whole mess. I don't know why he thought telling Haruhi that I was gay would make her react, but she didn't believe him. Or she didn't care. No, the one who started this whole mess...

It was me.

I gave Haruhi the idea to go to Okinawa. Because I attacked Youji during his attempt to fool Haruhi, because I blurted out my identity, I got Haruhi to believe there was some super secret cloning facility bent on opposing her. And I gave her the idea that she needed to be stronger to fight it. To be stronger, like Haruki is.

It was all my fault. I was playing a starring role in the biggest comedy I've certainly ever seen.

I looked to my left to see Nagato, casually reading a book as if none of this had taken place before her.

"Nagato, do you know who I am?"

She nodded and continued to read.

"And that all that I just said was a lie?"

Another nod.

I sat back down in my chair and slumped forward. "How can things get any worse?" I asked myself as I cradled my forehead in my palm.

Nagato shut her book. "I do not know the circumstances surrounding your genetic recoding, nor why you have traveled back in time with Asahina Mikuru. But whatever troubles have sent you this way, know that I pledged to protect you. This vow will not change with any physical changes you may encounter. Regardless of what you may face, I will be on your side."

With that said, Nagato reopened her book and started to read it once more.

And in my mind, the words of the two older Asahinas echoed. How they were themselves. How who a person is doesn't change with their body. He might be much taller and still wear his glasses, but Nagato Yuuki, the tall boy from the world I just journeyed from and Nagato Yuki, the quiet girl in front of me were truly one in the same. That fact finally hit me.

And for the first time in a long time, I smiled. "Thanks, Nagato. I know what I need to do now."

Not even bothering to change out of my maid uniform, I dashed down the hallway, back to the infirmary.

"Oh, Kyonko, you're ba-" Upon seeing my outfit, Asahina began to snicker to herself.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," I sighed.

"No, no. It was just... unexpected. Which is truly not something a time traveler often gets to say. You look adorable, though! But what, exactly, were you doing?"

"Causing no end of problems for myself. But I came to a realization."

"Oh? And what's that?" she asked.

"That what has happened, has happened. I need to deal with the present. Which means I need to rescue my friends."

"That's a healthy attitude to take, Kyon. So, are you ready to go back?"

I nodded. Let's do this.

To be continued.


	10. The Immortal Foe

IMPORTANT NOTE: After I published the last chapter, I made some major alterations to it. Specifically, I pretty much entirely re-wrote the ending (from the point where Youji appears on) thanks to some needed criticism from user Durandall. Some of this chapter won't make sense unless you read the up-to-date version. Anyway, on to your regularly scheduled bullshit.

I said this would definitely, 100%, guaranteed, without a doubt be the last chapter.

Well, I'm a big fat liar. Turns out I had more to write than I thought. But I figured better to be a little late with a new chapter than to be really, REALLY late with a final chapter. I've been... busier than expected lately, which has made writing hard. But I managed to scrape this much together and have some ideas for another new Haruhi fiction starring everyone's favorite plot hole eliminator- I mean, alien, Nagato. So, hopefully, new stuff very soon. But I don't want to break another promise, so no guarantees.

As always, these characters ain't mine. Blah blah blah, legal mumbo jumbo, etc.

When I woke up, Asahina was gone. So was the school. And the Earth. I recognized the place, though. Asahina had dropped me off in the detention center of the Multidimensional Microbial Collective's ship, the room where they explained the situation earlier.

Without wasting any time, I leapt to my feet and made a dash for the door, running for the room where my friends would still be facing the MMC. As I entered the room, I watched myself leave. Specifically, I saw myself head through the portal with Youji and disappear. I came back before I ever left.

"Kyonko! You're back!" The cry came from the masculine Asahina, who turned away after seeing me off. "Thank goodness!" He ran up and gave me a warm embrace. "I was so scared that you wouldn't come back."

"It's okay. I'm okay," I reassured him. "And that jerk Youji isn't coming back anytime soon."

"Umm, Kyonko, I'm glad to see you back, as well..." The feminine Asahina also greeted me. "But why on Earth are you wearing my maid costume?"

Oh, right. I didn't change back, did I? I sighed. "It's a very long story. I'll tell you some other time."

The sound of glass shattering was followed by the sound of two pairs of feet hitting the ground. The two Nagatos had burst through the barriers that held them back and landed beside us.

Kyon asked, "Are we ready?" To that, everyone nodded. "Then let's save our friends."

There was nothing left in our way. The guards were knocked out, Youji was currently in a time traveler's jail somewhere. All we had to do was smash open the glass sphere containing Haruhi and Haruki, get them out, and find a warp hole back off this stupid ship and then everything could go back to normal.

Well, actually, I did forget one small detail.

As I approached the metallic tower that held both halves of Suzumiya Haruhi, a voice rang out.

"IT HAS BESTED THIS ONE'S SERVANTS... BUT IT SHALL GET NO FURTHER."

We were all blown back, my back smashing into the wall behind me. Despite what you may see in the movies, being thrown into a wall really, really hurts. I groaned in pain on the floor for a little while, and when the pain subsided enough to get to my knees, there was a translucent, blue body standing, staring back at me.

"It must be eliminated," it said in a cold, monotone voice. The Multidimensional Microbial Collective was standing before me with an unfeeling glare coming from what might have been its eyes.

In fear, I closed my eyes, waiting for whatever it was going to do to me, but nothing came except a light splash of water all over me and the floor. When I stomached the nerve to open my eyes, the MMC had quite literally lost its head. Standing beside it was the male half of the Nagato duo, his elbow extended towards the neck of the monster.

In one blow, he had decapitated the beast, whose body slowly sagged down to the floor into a pool of liquid.

But that was too easy. I knew that wouldn't be the end. So I clawed my way up Nagato's leg and held on for dear life.

From the pool of liquid that was once the MMC, a torrent of water launched itself towards me, only to be intercepted by the other half of the Nagato pair, who jumped before us and seemingly erected an invisible barrier that pushed it back. But before I could so much as wipe my brow, the water became a torrent of blades instead. Swords, knives, spears and arrows seemingly formed from what looked like an ordinary puddle. And as if guided by an invisible hand, they all smashed through the invisible barrier and headed for me.

What happened next is hard for me to explain because, quite simply, I didn't see it all. Everyone was moving too fast. I couldn't keep up with who was who, I simply saw a blur of weapons and two indistinguishable forces of utter power striking them down whenever they got near. As soon as I would see a sword, indistinguishable from the real thing, raised over my head, the blade would shatter and then explode into a fountain of liquid. When an arrow would fly to my face, in an instant, one of my two saviors would be there, I think, and snap it like a twig. It, too, would then fall to the floor and melt away. What the hell was this thing?

Unfortunately, for every weapon they struck down, another two would take its place. Very shortly I was drenched in whatever juices constructed the MMC. I looked like I had been standing in a monsoon, but that was the least of my concerns.

Eventually and without warning, the attacks ceased. Reforming itself, the MMC took its more familiar human-like shape.

"It sees now, does it not? This one is incapable of defeat. This one is constructed from an immeasurable number of cells, each containing all the knowledge, all the power of the whole. As long as one cell of this one exists, this one can be regenerated."

Oh, lovely. So it's immortal, too.

"That is incorrect," said Male-Nagato. "It merely means he must be isolated and eliminated entirely at once."

Of course, that lead to one further problem. How do you eliminate something down to the last cell short of hurling it into the sun?

Actually, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea! Well, we can't drop it into a sun, but how does a sun kill things? Through heat and radiation. If we could get that thing alone and heat the room high enough, that might do it. But what could we use to generate that much heat? Maybe the ship's engines? Or...

Well, there's the obvious solution. When in doubt, there's only one person to rely on. Or in this case, two.

"Nagato! Heat is the answer! Cook him in his own juices!"

The pair nodded. But the MMC wasn't about to sit still and let them go on the offensive. Reaching out, he created a series of barriers around both of them, trapping each alien in a series of transluscent cages.

Sadly for the MMC, Nagato had gotten the hang of taking down those barriers and in a second, the two aliens had shattered them all. Not giving up, though, several more barriers were erected in an attempt to hold the two of them back. But then they were taken down even more quickly than the last few.

Nagato Yuuki leapt through the air like an acrobat, landing on the other side of the MMC. Simultaneously, the two of them began a synchronized assault that was almost painful to watch. Liquid flew in every direction as their fists worked like a powerful jackhammer, pounding away, sending large portions of the beast flying in every direction, causing liquid to splash everytwhere. When they were done, all that remained where the barrier-erecting dimenion-crawling monster was a puddle.

But then he began to pull himself together. The pools of whatever-the-hell-that-is that were strewn across the room began to crawl across the floor, gathering at one point. Even the liquid that covered my skin and clothes seemingly dried up as they dripped onto the floor, forming a pool that also slid across the floor.

From the puddle that formed before the steel tower, once more the MMC formed. Surprisingly, it didn't bother to lecture us on the futility of our actions or something and instead caged both Nagato in another barrier before launching itself at me.

In that split second, before fear could even register in my brain, before I could even fathom a reaction, I heard chanting. A quiet, almost inaudible voice, no, two voices, speaking quickly, in unison. As quickly as it moved, the MMC was stopped in an instant, trapped behind what looked like the very barrier it had used not two seconds before. Meanwhile Nagato was free. My guess is that being behind those walls so frequently, you learn to find their weakness.

Not stopping to explain their plan, the female Nagato began to chant again while the male took a deep breath. And then, uncharacteristically of him, the male screamed. Only, there was no sound. At least, nothing like a scream. In its place was the roar of an open flame. Like a human- err... alien flamethrower, a tremendous wave of fire exited his mouth. Standing a good three or four meters from the target, the heat was still intense.

When the flames died down, there was nothing left. The spot where the beast had sat seconds ago was completely bare. The walls and floor, all made of solid metal, were warped and twisted, most of it was partially liquified.

"Nagato..." I stared in amazement. For a few seconds, my jaw simply hung there before I remembered how to speak. "How did you do that?"

"We manipulated the molecules within my lungs to create a substance that would combust upon contact with oxygen."

Ah. Sounds utterly impossible, but it happened, it worked, who cares. So I sat back and took a deep breath. Finally, it was over.

Very quickly, the Asahina and Koizumi pairs were before me, fretting. The male half of the former was squeezing me tight.

"Kyonko, Kyonko! I was so scared! Are you all right?"

I petted the lad on his head and smiled gently. "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks to Nagato."

Kyon, who I had forgotten was here, asked, "So, is it over?"

I looked around. There was no sign of any movement. Those flames were hot enough to melt steel. I doubt anything could survive that. I sighed in relief. "Yeah, I think it is. Come on, let's free Haruhi and Haruki and get the hell off this ship."

We approached the contraption that held our friends captive, examining it from all angles.

"So, how do we get them down?" asked Koizumi (male)

"It will not get them down. It will go no further."

I recognozed that voice. So, it wasn't over, after all. But I began to panic further when I realized that that sinister voice was coming from my own throat. I moved my hands to cover my mouth, but they resisted my will.

Asahina (female) slowly backed away. "Kyonko, what are you saying?"

Kyon jumped in front of her. "Don't go near her! The Multi-whatever is inside her!"

"It appears to have some intelligence after all, besides blind luck," were the words that came from my mouth, this time in a meld of my voice and that of the beast's. "During our battle, when we were scattered about, we seeped into it through the pores of its skin, into its blood stream. We control it, and its life is in our hands."

"Tch," Kyon clicked his tongue. "Bastard."

"R-Release our f-friend!" Asahina Mitsuuru stood adamant. Or at least he tried to. The shaking didn't help his case at all.

"We cannot allow that," continued the voice from within me even though I tried to stop it. "It has taken from us the commander of our forces. We will take this one's mind and use it in place of the lost commander."

"No!" cried the Asahina and Koizumi pairs.

"You... can't have my mind!" I struggled to fight back. "So shut up and get out of my head!"

But the will of the MMC was strong and quickly overwhelmed my own. "We cannot. We exist only on this plane of reality. To influence other worlds, we require the indoctrinated minds of others."

Kyon growled audibly. "Indoctrinated? The hell are you talking about?"

"He means that the men we fought before were not of their own minds," explained Koizumi (male).

"It is a necessary step we must take," came the voice from my throat. "We possess the ability to manipulate matter and open channels to other dimensions, but we cannot traverse these worlds ourself. We require servants to act on our behalf. Those who are not willing shall be made willing."

Asahina Mitsuuru clenched his fist tightly. "You're disgusting!"

The MMC didn't care, though. "We neither require nor desire its approval. Our cause is just and we do what we must to bring stability to the universe. And it shall aid us."

Not even waiting for a reply, "I" charged forward, grabbing the male Koizumi by his uniform and yanked him towards me. Like a vampire, I tried to sink my teeth into his neck. But, thankfully, a powerful hand hit me in the chest, sending me staggering backwards. As I fell to one knee, I saw Nagato Yuki standing before me, her fist extended.

"Its resistence perplexes us. Does it not see the danger inherit in allowing such powerful creatures to continue to exist? Does its masters not see the danger?"

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity does realize there is possible danger in allowing Suzumiya to exist freely. However, it is also thought that what can be learned and utilized through study warrants the risk."

"A pity." With each word the MMC spoke through me, my own will was pushed further and further away. I had no say over my own actions. "We were hoping that beings revolving around data would be more rational. But it matters not, as it will be brought to serve me either way."

A surge of pain rushed through my body as I launched myself like a rocket towards Nagato Yuki, my body unused to such superhuman forces. My fists flew towards her face, but they were intercepted by her double. In their place my right foot left the ground and attempted to take his head off. He ducked. But he did not retaliate. As my right foot returned to the steel floor and I spun back into position, my left foot raised itself and attacked.

As all this occured, my body was screaming. Not only did I not want to fight my own friends, not only was my entire being under the control of some freakish monstrosity, but the sheer force of my movements was taking its toll. As my left foot attempted to hit Nagato in the chest, I swear I felt my leg break just from the deceleration alone. But still I fought on.

With every kick, with every punch, it became clearer and clearer that neither Nagato had any intention of actually fighting back. They would dodge or block my attacks and, when possible, attempt to restrain me, but never once did they attempt to strike me down.

And they could have, quite easily. I've seen them move. Actually, scratch that. What I mean to say is I've seen first hand that they're way too fast to see. But their movements right now were, while still amazing, quite perceivable. They were going easy on me. I wish they had not. Even being slammed to the ground couldn't have been as excruciating as just moving like this was.

Then the MMC must have gotten an idea. It's not like he kept me in the loop for his plans. A straightforward charge towards male Nagato quickly changed directions and—No! I was heading straight for both Asahina, who were trembling together.

Before I could get to them, though, an arm was stuck in my way. Just as the MMC probably wanted. Instead, my mouth opened wide and I sank my teeth into the arm of the boy alien. The taste of blood quickly flooded my mouth. Nagato ripped his arm from my mouth, but it was too late.

After a moment of hesitation, Nagato Yuuki stood up straight and with the same emotionless face as he always had, spoke in unison with the Multidimensional Microbial Collective. "This body, it suits us well. We feel the connection to the world of data. We feel the power it brings us."

Oh shit. Shit. Shit. This is bad. This. Is. Bad. Not only has my body been taken over, not only was our enemy essentially immortal, but now it has taken control of one half of our trump card. It can't get much worse than this. And yet, it did, very quickly.

Nagato began to tremble violently, holding his head in his hands. "What is... how does it still resist us? Its willpower much be truly strong to fight our influence. But from where does this resistance stem from?" The MMC monologued to itself as if none of us were here. "We must search its mind."

Silence prevailed as Nagato's fierce resistance stopped. Instead, he stood still like a statue. Asahina, Koizumi, Kyon, the other Nagato, we could only stare in anticipation, wondering what was happening to our friend. The only upside to the situation seemed to be that as that thing was so occupied with whatever it was doing to Nagato that I seemed to have regained control of my body.

"Strange. For one so powerful... Its strength comes from another. One who does not carry any noticeable power at that." Nagato pointed his finger at me and continued to speak in that dual voice. "If this human female is the source of your resolve, then it must be done away with."

It took a second for what I had just heard to sink in. Wait, I'm the source of Nagato's power? Okay, I was convinced then, more than ever, that this Multi-whatever has a few dozen screws loose. But I didn't exactly have time to think of a reasonable argument as to why he was crazy as I was preoccupied with the whole mortal terror routine.

Then Nagato, the still sane female one, jumped between me and the possessed Nagato. Not only her, but everyone got between us.

The Koizumi pair yelled, "We won't let you harm our friend!"

Asahina Mitsuuru stood directly in front of me, his arms held out wide, and defiantly stood his ground. "It's my d-duty as a m-man to protect her! Y-You'd better not c-come any closer!"

Even Kyon, who I still was not used to seeing as another person, stood before me. "Harming her would be like harming me. There's no way I'll let you get away with that!"

Even the ever silent Nagato turned her head slightly to me and nodded solemnly. I knew she was consenting to what the others had said. It was her way of lending support. Even though, in spirit, she was not the Nagato I knew, she was still willing to fight for me.

For just a brief moment, I was touched. That everyone would defend me when some of them I'd never truly met before...

Unfortunately, it didn't last long.

With a wave of Nagato Yuuki's hand, everyone before me was thrown in every direction. A glowing orb encased each of my friends.

"Do not resist," the MMC said as he walked slowly towards me. "With the introduction of data manipulation into our powers, our barriers' strength has increased a hundred fold."

Sure enough, Nagato Yuki, who had been smashing through the force fields before as if they weren't there, was flailing pointlessly against the wall of her spherical cell.

With every step the MMC-possessed Nagato towards me, I took two backwards. Quickly I found myself pressed up against the steel tower encasing Haruhi and Haruki.

Nagato, against his will, walked closer and closer. My heart beat faster and faster. Eventually the beating became so loud it drowned out his approaching footsteps.

"We are sorry that it came to this," he said. "It could have been of use to us. But we have looked into the heart of the data alien. So long as it, the human female, continues to exist, the alien will continue to struggle against us. Even now, it resists us. We struggle to remain in control. We are sorry, but this is for the best."

Like hell it is!

...That's what I wanted to say, but the words were stuck in my throat. I looked around. All my friends were still trapped behind their barriers. I was alone.

My heart was trying to jump out of my ribcage.

He reached out one hand with his palm facing my chest.

Sweat was pouring down my brow. I was trembling all over. He spoke once more, but I couldn't hear a thing over the sound of my own heartbeat.

And then he closed his fist.

My heart skipped a beat.

And another.

And again.

By the time I realized what was happening, I was already falling face down onto the floor.

He stopped my heart.

I tried to gasp for air, but nothing would come. My lungs were frozen.

Ha ha. I was dying. I was seriously dying. I just started high school and already my life was over.

It took all of my strength to raise my head to look up at the face of my killer.

In Nagato's eyes, a feeling I never saw before. Pain. Someone who could take spears through the chest with hardly a flinch was in pain. I swear I even saw a tear roll down his cheek. No, Nagato, don't blame yourself. I caused this mess. This isn't your doing.

Odd how my mind briefly entertained the idea of comforting him when I didn't have neither the time nor the ability to do so. But I suppose people think weird things on their death beds.

All the feeling in my body had been drained and slowly my sight began to leave me as well. Everything went dark. My head dropped back to the floor. Everything was silent. It was amazingly peaceful.

But then, in my last few seconds, a wave of fear washed over me. What would become of my family? I saw my own funeral in my mind, with my little sister/brother in tears. I don't want to see that.

I saw my school. I saw my seat, vacant. I saw the principal, standing before a wreath of flowers, delivering a quiet eulogy before the classes. Asahina was in tears, as was Koizumi. Nagato was stoic, as usual, but I could see the hidden sadness in his face. And then there was...

Haruki.

He was brash, crude, vulgar, perverted, insensitive, annoying, a brute, and I loved him.

I loved him so much it hurt. I don't know when it happened, but there it is. It was the simple truth. It explained away all the confusion I'd felt around him. It explained why I was so embarrassed to be around him. It was because I wanted him to love me back.

And I would never see him again.

I didn't want that. I don't want to die!

Screw how confusing this all is, my body was telling me I wanted to be with Haruki!

But it was too late.

My mind returned from the fantasy to the cold reality. I was on the floor of an alien spaceship, its leader had stopped my heart, and I was dying.

All I could do was use the last of my life to utter one last plea.

"Haruki... Help... Me..."

And then I died.

To be continued.


	11. Who Am I?

Wow, it's been a long ride, but it's here. The final chapter of Kyonko's New Life. Well, except a short epilogue. But anyway, it's been almost a year, and if you've been keeping up, thank you so much. It means the world to me. It's been difficult for me, but I've learned quite a bit writing this and I got some ideas for some new fictions in the process which may or may not see the light of day.

In any event, this chapter was somewhat more difficult to write. A good bit of action, some romance, and a large supply of hand-waving. Please let me know where I need improvement. I would truly appreciate it.

And now, on with the show.

(Oh, and Kyon, Kyonko, Haruhi, Haruki etc. don't belong to me, don't sue, etc.)

When you hear that someone has died, there's a certain finality to it. Once you're dead, by definition, you're gone for good. There is no reset button. There is no _getting better_. There are no continues, no second chances, and no way back.

Thus there may be some confusion when I say that I did, in fact, die. If I did die, then how can I still be here to explain it? Well, the obvious answer is that I can't, so I didn't actually get killed. After all, the only other possibility is that some sort of special exception was made for me, where the laws of reality are momentarily overlooked.

So when I tell you right now that I died, please do not misinterpret it by assuming I'm being overly dramatic or that I'm being figurative. I assure you I am not.

I was stone cold dead.

Which is why I was shocked to wake up quite suddenly.

It felt like I was shocked with an extra high voltage defibrillator as I sat up. All at once I was struck by the surge of sensations returning at once. Sight, sound, touch... Everything hit me simultaneously.

"Kyonko... you're... you're alive..." Before my vision settled and I could piece together enough focus to identify the voice, I was embraced. A slimy and slick but warm body was pressed up against me.

"...I am? I'm alive? How...?"

Without clearing my confusion, the figure pulled me into his chest.

"Thank God," he whispered. He began to squeeze me so hard I thought I was going to die. Again, I mean. As I was released, enough of my senses had gotten themselves together to allow me to get a good look at my hero.

It was Haruki. He was dripping wet and covered in small cuts. The parts of him that weren't covered by the strange metallic suit and wires that had previously strapped him down, that is. As I looked around, I saw that the glass globe which had held him until a little while ago was shattered. Glass shards and a pool of liquid sat beneath it, as did an unconscious Haruhi.

Haruki stood up with his face alternating between relief and anger. It quickly settled on the latter and approached Nagato, who backed away.

"Stay away, foolish creature. We do not wish to instigate further-"

Haruki punched Nagato in the face, sending the possessed alien straight to the floor.

"Snap out of it, Yuuki!" commanded Haruki.

Haruki must have had some skill as an exorcist, as the moment Nagato's body hit the ground, the MMC was forced out. Taking the form of white vapor, the monster leaked from Nagato's skin, forming a large cloud overhead.

Personally, if I'd known a hit to the head would cure you, I'd have asked someone to do it to me earlier when I was under the MMC's control.

The swirling mist above our heads moved in an unnatural way, gathering at one point, becoming denser and denser until it reformed into the same pile of goo that was the Multidimensional Microbial Collective.

Haruki lent his hand to Nagato, helping him to his feet. "Hey, you alright? Sorry about hitting you like that."

"I am fine," he responded with the same monotone voice. Well, looks like he's back to normal.

"All right, then stay out of this," ordered Haruki as he stepped towards the beast, cracking his knuckles. "I'm going to have a few choice words with that... thing."

The MMC seemed unfazed. He simply stated that "There is nothing to discuss. We ask that for the sake of peace, it offers no resistance. Surrender peacefully and-"

Then Haruki punched its head clean off. The displaced cranium hit the cold floor with a splash before it returned to its body and was shortly reformed.

"We see that it will not. Truly unfortunate. It will have to be subdued, then."

The room went black once again. That nauseating feeling of everything around me disappearing. And then it came back. As the room was reconstructed I saw that the broken tower was gone, as was the door that was our only chance for escape.

Worse yet, I couldn't move. This was mostly due to the fact that my hands and legs were chained to the wall, crucifix-style. As I wondered if this scene could possibly get any worse (or more cliché), I noticed that all of the others were similarly bound to the walls.

"What the hell is this? How did I end up...?"

Haruki was throwing a fit, struggling against his restraints.

"Do not fret, child. We will end its life quickly."

"Okay, I've got a number of things to say here." Haruki's eyes shone with defiance. "First, don't call me a child. Secondly, don't call me an 'it.' Next, you're insane. And last, when I get out of these chains, I'm going to kill you."

"It appears the child is even more foolish than we believed. Truly, to leave such a monumental power in the hands of one so ill-tempered, it is miraculous nothing disastrous happened before now."

"That's it!" Haruki was livid. The chains on the wall strained themselves to hold the boy back.

"Now, for the good of all, it and its powers must be done away with!" With that, the MMC began to change itself. It's arm took the form of a large spear. In one smooth motion, it took that arm and thrust it towards Haruki's chest.

"Haruki!"

Upon seeing what was to be his demise, I cried out.

But the next sound we heard was not the piercing of flesh or the dripping of blood, but the shattering of chains. Haruki leapt from the wall moments before the bastard alien could skewer him. Instead, Haruki landed on the MMC, squashing it into a pool of liquid.

But the Multi-whatever just rose again somewhere else.

"Its tenacity is becoming something of a nuisance. But it must realize we cannot be defe-"

"Shut up!"

Haruki was boiling with rage. It was then that I noticed something. There was an almost ethereal glow to him.

"This isn't good..."

A voice came from beside me. It was Koizumi (female), who was chained to the wall to my left.

"Nothing about this situation has ever been good, why should that change now?"

"It's Suzumiya. His powers are going berserk. Closed spaces are popping up everywhere and he's activating his abilities constantly."

"How can you tell?"

"I just know. Call it an esper's intuition."

"Well, then, what the hell do we do?"

Koizumi yanked on her chain. "Well, given the situation, I'd say our only option is to stay here and pray."

My heart sank somewhere into the depths of my stomach. My life was now in the hands of Haruki. I wonder if it's too late to start making up a will?

Hey, wait a minute, what about Nagato? Surely a couple of chains couldn't hold them back.

"I'm afraid they're as stuck as we are."

I followed Koizumi's finger to see two figures on the opposite side of the large room. The room was so large I almost couldn't recognize the two of them as Nagato. A faint echo of chains being broken reached my ears as I watched the two of them drop from the wall. Sadly, not even a second later, they were yanked back to the wall.

"They've been at that for as long as we've been stuck like this," Koizumi informed me.

Speaking of things going on for a while, the entire time we were talking, Haruki was dodging attacks by the alien overlord and hurling obscenities back at it. The alien was seemingly growing tired of it.

"How does it manage to evade our blows? It is a larger nuisance than we imagined."

"Who are you calling a nuisance? You keep us here, tie us up, and you have the nerve to call me a nuisance, you freak of nature? I was already going to beat your ass, but now I'm going to wipe it across the freakin' floor. But before I do, tell me one thing. I've no idea what the hell is going on here. One second I'm walking down the hall and the next I wake up covered in goo and... and Kyonko is lying on the floor. And she's not breathing. Answer me this. Are you the one responsible, or do you answer to someone else?"

"We answer to none. We merely do what must be done for the good of-"

"I don't care. So you admit you're the one who hurt Kyonko?"

"...Yes, we did it out of necessity. To intensify our powers, to help protect the universe from-"

"That's all I needed to hear."

As he spoke, that aura around him grew in power until it was almost overwhelming to look at. He practically looked to be on fire.

Haruki darted towards the evil alien. The MMC countered by turning one arm into a spear once more and launched it at the approaching half-naked boy. But he simply side stepped the approaching skewer and grabbed it instead. In one sweeping motion, the offending appendage was ripped from the body of the alien.

But this time, when it was thrown to the floor, it didn't gel up and rejoin the body. Instead, it turned to a pile of dust and vanished before our eyes.

"Uragh!" Surprisingly, the alien seemed to be writhing in pain. "How did it... why did..."

And then Haruki punched it in the gut. More of the beast flew off and disappeared.

"That's for chaining me up!"

He tore off an arm. It vanished.

"That's for hurting my friends!"

And then he drove it home with a massive punch to the face that sent the monster down to the floor.

"And that's for hurting my girlfriend!"

What the... did he just call me...? Don't just blurt things like that out loud!

The Multidimensional Microbial Collective flailed around on the floor, giving off what I assume was some sort of death rattle, but it pierced my ears like nothing else. Finally, the flailing and crying slowed. Its clear body slowly turned gray as if it were filling with cement. Eventually it began to crumble to pieces until it was nothing but a pile of worthless dust.

Pardon me if I don't exactly weep at the loss of such a thing.

Haruki stood over the defeated alien, his fist still clenched tightly. Then he fell.

I tried to call out to him, but it was as if I had no voice. The world around us seemed to grow brighter with each passing second until I lost consciousness as well.

You know, I've been knocked out a ridiculous number of times over the past few days, haven't I? It's getting a little tedious. In any event, when I woke up, I was back in Tsuruya's summer home. Specifically, I was splayed out on the dojo floor.

If you tell me this was all a dream from when Haruki knocked me out, I'm seriously going to scream. Except I looked down and saw that I was still dressed in a maid costume. So unless someone decided to play dress-up on my unconscious body, it was all real.

"Need a hand?"

Koizumi stretched out her hand and helped me to my feet.

"It's good to see you're all right. That was a little too close for comfort."

She smiled a brilliant, and for once, sincere, smile with her perfect white teeth. It was so annoying. But I agreed. I never wanted to go through _that_ again.

"Wait," I paused and looked around the room. I saw Nagato and Asahina, but someone was missing. "Where's Haruki? Is he all right?"

"Nagato took Haruki back to his room while he was still unconscious. We brought Tsuruya back to his room, too. They should both wake up shortly. However, before that happens, we should probably all get changed."

I then realized what she meant. If Haruki remembered anything that just happened, seeing me dressed like a maid and everyone else dressed in some cheap sci-fi jumpsuits might make him realize it was all real.

"Fortunately," she said with a smile I didn't like in the least, "I know just what we need in this situation."

Clad in nothing but a bath towel, I gently eased myself into the steamy water of Tsuruya's open-air bath. I leaned against the bamboo divider between the men's and women's section and sighed contentedly. I don't think I'd ever needed this so much in my life. I hate to admit it, but Koizumi had the right idea, not that I'd ever admit that to her face. It felt great and it gave us a good reason to change out of our clothes.

Then the door to the mansion opened, revealing a rather curvy, long-haired figure in naught but a towel.

Oh, crap! No, this isn't what it looks like! I didn't mean to-

I stood up and looked down and saw a pair of breasts. Well, they're only an A-cup, but still. Then it hit me. I'm a girl, too. I had forgotten for a moment. Humiliated, I sat back down until the water covered my head.

"Hey, don't do that." Koizumi pulled me from the water. "The heat's bad for your hair. Here, I think I have some shampoo that will protect it from heat damage..."

"No, really, that's okay."

"But I do need to pay you back for today. After all, if not for you, I don't know if we'd have made it off that ship in one piece."

Actually, most of the credit for that goes to future Asahina. I didn't have the guts to tell her that I was the one, in fact, who caused this whole situation when I went back in time and told Haruhi she needed to 'man up' before she could find a non-existent cloning facility here in Okinawa.

"Fine, whatever."

Koizumi seemed all too happy to lather me up. Is this a girl thing?

"So, you weren't always a female, Kyonko?"

"Wait, you remember?"

"I'm afraid not. Whatever happened to me on-board that ship... Well, as far as I can remember, you and I have always been girls. Asahina said the same thing, that he's always been a boy. Though, given what we saw today, it's hard to deny the truth of what you say."

"Yeah, well, it's not like it makes a difference now. I'm stuck this way, like it or not."

Koizumi flashed her brilliant, flawless teeth once more. God, male or female, I hate that smile. "Well, Kyonko, you must remember that no matter what you're like on the outside, it's what's inside that counts."

Actually, my internal organs have changed, too, you know. You should know enough about biology to understand that.

But Koizumi just gave an adorable, gentle giggle. God, do I hate how perfect she is.

"Now, now, Kyonko, you know what I mean. I'm sure it may be a harsh adjustment, but as long as deep down, you're still yourself, then nothing else matters. Your feelings, your beliefs, your desires, your conscience, these things don't change with the physical form."

"I guess..." I leaned over the side of the bath and Koizumi poured some water over my head. Gah! That's cold.

"And if you like, you can think of me as your senpai! I can teach you all about being a proper girl! Ask me anything at all."

Ugh, that's just plain creepy. And don't be so damn happy about this!

"Oh, don't be like that, Kyonko. It'll be fun!"

With that, she grabbed my arm and pulled me closer, trying to embrace me. Besides being totally creepy, this had the unfortunate consequence of putting my arm directly in her ample cleavage.

"Dammit, get your oversized melons off of me!"

Koizumi let go and seemed taken aback. She looked down at herself, as if she never noticed she was totally racked. Damn you, not just for acting to completely innocent, but for taking those things for granted!

"Huh? Ha... Hahahahahaha!"

And then she started laughing. What the hell is so damn funny?

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh... It's just... Tell me... Are you... jealous of me?"

I turned away to hide the redness in my face. Dammit, I know I shouldn't be, but...

"D-Don't be ridiculous. Why would I, a former guy... That is..."

"That is...?"

"...Okay, fine. I'm jealous! I'm so jealous I can't stand it! It's not like I can control it, it's just, when I see you... I feel so... inadequate."

"Hah... hahahaha... Now that's irony..."

I'm pretty sure if looks could kill, tomorrow's papers would read 'Shriveled Corpse of Woman Found in Mansion Bath.' But sadly, my intense stares didn't spill even a drop of blood.

"No, no, I'm not laughing at you. Quite to the contrary, Kyonko. I'm laughing at myself. Did you realize that since the day we first met, I've had a ping of jealousy for you?"

...Huh?

"It's true," she said with a nod. "Suzumiya's only interest in me has been because of my 'mysterious transfer student' status. If I were to drop my facade, even for a moment... Well, let's just say when he gazes at you, which he does with some frequency, there is a certain warmth to it that is lacking when he looks at me."

The bath felt even steamier than before. Surely Koizumi was just imagining things. But my heart wouldn't stop racing. I thought back to what had happened on the ship. When I realized that I loved that idiot, as strange as that felt. And then... he called me... his girlfriend? I don't know what to believe anymore.

"Ask yourself this, Kyonko," Koizumi continued. "How is it that you are still alive?"

"Eh?"

"We saw you collapse aboard the ship. From the sounds of things, your heart stopped beating. That was quite the scare you gave us."

She was right. My heart did stop. Not just that, but my lungs, too. I lost all sensations. It was as if I was cast into one of Abaddon's bottomless pits of darkness. But then I awoke in Haruki's arms. What, exactly, happened?

"Well, this is only a theory, but I believe if our foe was truly as powerful as he appeared, then there is little doubt that he killed you. But Suzumiya's will would not accept this. His desire to see you alive was so strong, it caused his powers to manifest in a way we've never seen before. As near as I can tell, his desires were being directly and almost immediately granted."

I thought back to what I saw on the ship. The way he avoided all of the MMC's attacks, the way he broke free of his restraints, and of course, the fact that he managed to kill something that could not be killed. There really is no other explanation for how it happened than Haruki's bizarre ability to alter reality.

"There's more to it than that, however."

Koizumi looked at me with eyes that seemed almost on the verge of tears.

"It's true that Suzumiya has the unique ability to warp the world around him to meet his needs, but the truth is that most of the time this power is overridden by his common sense."

Common sense and Haruki's name are not two things I often associate together. But I suppose the fact that this world isn't filled with flying dragons, man-eating giants, and rampaging demons suggests even he doesn't believe in those things. Not yet, anyway.

"However, in this case, his desire to see you well and unharmed overrode that common sense. Specifically, the notion that once someone has died, they cannot return to life. The finality of death is a fundamental tenet of all life. But when he saw you lying on the floor like that, he refused to accept it. That refusal, I believe, is largely why you are sitting here with us now. I find it rather romantic, myself."

It was all I could do to cover my face with my hands. I was too confused, too embarrassed, to be seen right now. Could it be true? Could Haruki actually care for me, of all people? It sounds ridiculous but... I could also feel my adrenaline pumping. I was excited. I wanted this. I wanted this so badly. That's what my body kept saying, at the very least.

"So, really, there's no reason for you to be jealous of anything I might have, when what you have is so much greater."

My brain began to boil like an egg in this hot water. Koizumi, who had a body that almost gave my original angel, Asahina Mikuru, a run for her money, was jealous of me? Because Haruki liked... he liked me? How was any of this possible?

As I pushed my brain into overdrive, noise came from the bath on the other side of the partition.

"I'm telling you, it was the weirdest dream ever!" Haruki's voice rang out from the other side. "I swear, it felt so real, but then next thing I know, I wake up in my bed and... damn, I'm all worked up."

It sounded like Tsuruya was with him, too. "Is that so? Well, nothing beats a good bath to..."

"Kyaaaah!" A piercing, high pitched scream echoed across the bath. It was unmistakably from Asahina, who had gotten in around the same time as we did. "Suzumiya! Tsuruya! Where are your towels?"

"What are you talking about, Mitsuuru? This is a bath! A bath! Towels are for drying off afterward!"

"B-but it's indecent!"

"Nonsense! We're all men here! This is the very pinnacle of male bonding! Now, lose your towel already!"

"Waaah, Haruki, nooooo!"

Asahina's cute squealing echoed through the night sky. I resisted the urge to try and find a way to peek at the other side and just listened intently. My dear, I'm so sorry for finding pleasure in your pain.

"Wait, what the hell is this? Swim trunks? In an open air bath? Dammit, Mitsuuru, this isn't a swimming pool, so lose 'em!"

"N-no! It's too embarrassing! It's indecent!"

"Then you've forced my hand! Tsuruya! Grab his arms!"

"Wahaha! Roger that!"

"N-noooo!"

"Dammit, quit kicking! This will go easier if you just relax!"

"Kyah! No no no no no no nooooooooo!"

"And... here... we go! Hyah!"

A pair of bright red swim trunks flew over the partition and ended up floating in the women's side.

An eerie silence permeated the air.

"...Mitsuuru..."

"What? What did I do?"

"Mitsuuru, I had my doubts. But now I see you are a real man! Congratulations!"

"Eh? I don't understand. What are you... EH?"

What followed next was a long series of screams that I didn't hear well mostly because I was covering my ears and blushing while trying to enjoy the rest of my bath.

After a while, when Asahina's adorable sobbing finally stopped, I spoke to Koizumi.

"Hey."

"Yes?"

"Is it really okay to leave the world the way it is?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, swapped around like this of course."

"Ah, that's what I thought you meant."

Then don't ask.

"Well, truth be told, it worries me a little, too. The point of our agency has always been to prevent, and if necessary, reverse any changes Suzumiya Haruki makes to the world. However, in this case, there doesn't really seem to be any opportunities for us to do so. Unless you have an idea."

I sighed deeply. Dammit, I hate when Koizumi is right. "No, I don't. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not the person I was..."

Koizumi nodded, as if understanding. "Well, I'm sure it will take time to adjust, but remember that people are always changing everyday. The person you will be tomorrow will not be the same as the person you are today. Just think of this as a slightly larger change."

Excuse me? Slightly larger change? Changing your gender is one hell of a change! But... She's right. If defeating the MMC and fixing the worlds so they don't implode didn't change everything back to normal, then I have no idea how to fix this mess. In the end, I'm stuck as a girl, like it or not. Reality may bend to the whims of Haruhi and Haruki, but it doesn't bend to me.

Then it hit me. My little sister. My real parents. My real friends. I'd never see any of them again. Okay, so they have replacements. My little sister is now my little brother. My parents haven't changed physically or mentally. But they're still not the same. They're not the originals. And when I realized that, my heart broke.

"K-Kyonko?" Koizumi showed a look of concern, something of a rarity from her usual poker-faced smile. "Kyonko, why are you crying?"

"I... I don't really know, it's just..."

"Kyonko is crying? What did I miss?"

Koizumi and I looked up at the partition to see Haruki on top of it, peeking over.

My depression disappeared in an instant. In its place was a burning hatred.

"Ah, n-no, I was just concerned, so I—Eh?"

It seems that the partition was not made to withstand the weight of a rather large teenage boy, as a loud cracking noise was followed by the barrier between the two sides collapsing and Haruki falling directly into our side.

"Eek!" The first to scream was Asahina, who covered himself and turned away. Tsuruya just stared blankly. Nagato, in a move that should be considered surprising by absolutely no one, was reading a book in the bath and ignoring the commotion. Koizumi couldn't maintain her cheerful smile and instead tried to hide as deep into the bath as she could.

Haruki, meanwhile, emerged from the water, standing straight up. Stark naked in front of me.

My embarrassment momentarily surpassed my anger at his blatant perversion and/or stupidity. So I merely stood up as well, and walked towards the door.

"Kyonko, wait! I've got something I've got to say!"

He reached out to grab my arm. And I smacked it away.

"Read the mood, idiot!"

But my deflection was ill-timed, instead causing him to grab onto my towel.

"Ah..."

I'm not sure whose face was redder, mine or his, when we realized we were now both totally nude in front of each other, and everyone else, but mine was a combination of near fatal levels of embarrassment and unbridled rage.

"Ah, Kyonko—I didn't, I mean, I was trying to-"

"Haruki, you idiot!"

These feelings manifested themselves in the form of a kick to the gut and a slap to the face before I made a mad dash for the mansion.

Fifteen minutes later, after the tears and fury wore out, exhaustion and some remnants of embarrassment were all that was left in me. It was pretty early and I was still soaking wet, but I didn't care. I threw on a night gown and threw myself face first into my pillow.

Until a knock came to my door, anyway. Can't a girl have a mental breakdown in peace?

"Who is it?"

"...It's me." Haruki's voice came from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?"

That got my attention. Since when did our fearless brigade chief ask for permission for anything? Usually, if he wants in, he'd kick down the door. Unfortunately, I was in no mood to listen to that idiot.

"No. Go away. I've seen more than enough of you today."

In fact, I still saw him when I closed my eyes. And I didn't like how it made me feel.

"Please, Kyonko, I need to talk to you."

"No, I said leave me alone!"

"Please! This means a lot to me."

Sigh. Fine. Fine. I struggled to pull myself from my bed and unlocked the door. I opened it to see a somewhat serious looking Haruki standing in my doorway. He was still dripping wet and wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. I could feel my face reddening as I looked at his tight abs and broad shoulders that I wanted to—Okay, this is not happening.

"At least get dressed before you come to talk!" With that, I slammed the door shut.

"Wait! Ow!"

At least, I tried to, but Haruki stuck his foot in the way. I opened the door once more to see him hopping up and down, holding said foot. The uncharacteristic foolishness gave me a smile for a brief second.

"All right, all right. Come in."

We sat together on my bed side by side. A thick silence hung in the air until I broke the ice.

"So, what was so important that you had to run over here without even fully drying off or getting dressed?"

Haruki took a deep breath. His eyes were darting around the room while he fidgeted with his hands. Was he... nervous? Okay, seriously, this is getting weird.

"First, uh, Kyonko... What were you crying about back there?"

"That? Uh, well... It's a girl thing." Technically true, since the fact that I was a girl was the thing giving me problems.

"Well, you know, whatever it is, you can always talk to me about it, right? I mean, as your chief, it's my duty, you know, to look after my subordinates."

"Oh, well, thanks..."

The uncomfortable silence returned with a vengeance. We both were doing our best to avoid eye contact. The tension continued to build until I had to say something.

"...But... umm... did you really come over here in such a hurry to tell me that?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, no. No. I... I wanted to talk to you about something kinda strange..."

Haruki, if it involves you, it will always, _always_ be strange. Like the sun rising in the east, it's a constant fact.

"Well, I mean, I wanted to talk to you about a dream I had."

Wait, does he mean...?

"See, I don't remember even going to take a nap today, but apparently, when I did, I had this dream, see, and you were in it. And so was Yuuki, and Mitsuuru and everyone. And some people who seemed... strangely familiar now that I think about it..."

Is he talking about Haruhi and our other selves? Does he remember them, even slightly?

"And what happened in this dream?"

"I don't really remember the details, but I remember seeing you were hurt. Worse than hurt. I thought... I thought I'd lost you. And it felt so real, I was so scared. But you came back to me. And I promised myself then and there that the second I had a chance, I'd tell you something. Something I'd been holding back for a while. I finally built up the nerve and... here I am."

Before I could ask him what he wanted to say he took me by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes with a serious gaze that paralyzed me.

"Kyonko, I... I really... I li... no, I lo... lo... lo... _I LOVE YOU_!"

...Huh? You know, in retrospect, I should have seen that coming. After the talk I had with Koizumi, it shouldn't have surprised me. But it did. I was completely blindsided.

I fled back to the center of the bed, but Haruki followed me, climbing over top of me. From there, I got a good look at him. He was definitely fit, with a strong, muscular physique, broad shoulders, and the way he swept his bangs back... I couldn't deny how attracted to him I was, despite an intense desire to do so.

"Kyonko, I need to know, do you feel the same way?"

"I... I..."

I tried to speak, but my heart was beating so fast I had to calm myself down first.

"Kyonko, please..."

I wanted him. That's what my body was telling me. Every fiber in my being was screaming out to hold him, to embrace him, to become his. And I felt that I loved him, too. It wasn't just a physical attraction. I knew it. I felt it.

So why was I putting up such a resistance?

"Kyonko..."

Then it hit me. It wasn't because I was a guy once, so this was somehow disgusting. My body certainly said otherwise.

It wasn't because I didn't love him back. I certainly did. The real reason I was resisting so much simpler than that.

"It's Kyon."

"Excuse me?"

"My name isn't Kyonko. It's Kyon."

Haruki, bewildered, sat up, giving me the chance to do the same.

I thought back to what the two Asahinas had told me on-board the ship. That even if they had swapped bodies, deep down, they were the same. Koizumi told me the same thing earlier. And when I thought about it, I knew they were right. In terms of personality, I hadn't changed. It was all a physical change.

I pushed Haruki onto his back and turned the tables, crawling over him.

"The truth is, I'm not the girl you think I am. Nor are you the boy you say you are. Haruki, I have no right to answer your confession."

"Wait... I'm not... I don't understand what-"

I put my finger to his lips.

Even if I was the same mentally, being a guy was also part of my identity. It was part of what made me who I was. To say that the physical body doesn't matter is just naïve.

And there was something else. The bonds that I had formed were also a part of who I was. My angelic benefactor who I could watch all day was a cute and sexy girl named Asahina Mikuru. The dependable and mysterious alien girl Nagato Yuki was someone who I owed my life and then some. Even Koizumi Itsuki, he was supposed to be an annoying prick who smiled too much, not some jiggly chested annoying girl. The people here in this world were similar to my friends, but the same? No way.

Most importantly is Haruhi and I. Who is Haruhi to me? I'd answer that question one way and one way only. Haruhi is Haruhi. I honestly don't know where I stand with her. She makes my life a living hell, but it's so much more exciting with her in it. But I do know we're not lovers. Kyonko and Haruki are lovers.

But I am not Kyonko. And this boy, despite what he may think, is not Haruki. So that must change.

This worked once before, let's hope it'll work again.

"Please listen to me. Haruki... and Kyonko... are destined to be together. I can feel it. But that's not who we are. Let's go back to who we were. Together. And let's let the lovers be reunited at long last."

I gently caressed his cheek before moving closer.

"This is dedicated to Haruki. Let's hope he gets the message."

And then we kissed.

To be concluded.


	12. Epilogue

Golden Week ended without much in the way of incidents. Haruhi seemed depressed that she never did find that underground cloning facility, but when we left Tsuruya's mansion, she still had a smile on her face.

And then life returned to normal, or at least as normal as it gets when you're a member of the illicit school club the S.O.S. Brigade.

I knocked on the door to the literature club room, which we had illegally and forcibly commandeered, and waited for a response.

"Come in! It's all right."

Asahina's soothing voice beckoned me inside. When I opened the club door, I was greeted to a long awaited sight of the perfect girl in her maid costume, carrying a tray of tea cups.

"Oh, good day, Kyon. Here you go."

She handed me my daily cup of tea. Truly there must be a god if I could be so blessed to experience such a sight on a daily basis.

"Well, you certainly seem to be in a good mood."

On the other hand, I still had to deal with his smiling face.

Koizumi sat at the center table, honing his lackluster chess skills. But I suppose even this was a welcome sight, for now. It was just another sign that things were as they should be.

"Care for a game to pass the time?" Koizumi asked me.

I shook my head. "No thanks. I've something to take care of."

"Very well then, perhaps next time."

Instead, I dropped my bag in the corner and pulled up a chair next to Nagato who was as statuesque as ever.

"So, no one remembers anything, huh?"

She nodded gently as I watched Koizumi try to explain the finer details of chess to an enraptured Asahina. Good luck learning anything from him.

"That's probably for the best," I noted. I preferred everyone this way.

Nagato gave no response. Not that I really expected one. She's come a long way from when we first met, but I doubt she'll ever be much of a conversationalist. But that's also fine by me. In fact, seeing her back to her old self, reading alone, was therapeutic in a way that compared to Asahina's fine, fine tea.

"Any response from your superiors?"

"The consensus of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity is that several days ago, a burst of raw data from two worlds resulted in the return of the consciousness of the involved sentient beings to their respected physical forms. The root cause of the data transmission is unknown."

"Is that so?"

"It is."

I didn't have the nerve to tell her that I knew the source of the "data burst."

At that moment, the door flew open.

"Heyo! Let's get ready! Everyone on your feet, right now!"

That loud, rude voice would belong to none other than Suzumiya Haruhi, making her usual subtle entrance.

"Eh? Where are we going?" asked a frightened Asahina.

"There are rumors of a UFO sighting across town. We're going to wait until dark and see if we can signal it!"

Haruhi looked over at me.

"Hey, what are you smiling at? Quit it. It makes you look like an idiot."

But I didn't stop.

"I said quit it! ...Oh, that does it. Penalty! Penalty! Kyon, you now have to pay for all the drinks we buy on the way over!"

"Sure."

As we all prepared to leave, Haruhi added more and more insane requests to my punishment, but I just smiled.

It was good to be home.


End file.
